Archive for the humor Category

Ninja Day 2009: Things that make a Bad Ass NINJA…well, BAD ASS

Posted in humor, Ninja Day, ninjas with tags , , on December 4, 2009 by Paxton

Ninja Day Banner

Tomorrow, Dec 5, is Ninja Day, my friends. Time to break out the katana, sharpen it up and prepare for all the face and gut stabbing that’ll be required on this most glorious of days!!  It’s gonna be a gut/face stabbing extravaganza.  Are you prepared?

Since it’s Ninja Day Eve, I thought I’d go ahead and post this year’s ninja celebratory article today.  I get a lot of hits on my previous Ninja Day articles for mainly two reasons.  One, the articles are about BAD ASS ninjas (duh) and two, THEY ARE ABOUT BAD ASS NINJAS.  Seriously, check them out. This blog has been celebrating Ninja Day since 2006. And that is not going to stop on my watch.

I get plenty of comments about the copious amounts of ninja love on this blog.  I’m always asked “how can I, too, become a bad ass ninja like yourself?”.  Good question, but let’s make one thing clear; you can become a ninja, but that won’t make you bad ass like myself.  However, since this is a valid question I thought I’d impart to all my “ninja civilian” readers what makes a bad ass ninja.  What do ninjas do on a daily basis that make them so much more bad-ass awesome than a normal person?   You constantly have to work at being BAD ASS and a ninja.  Like P-Diddy said, “Mo BAD ASS, Mo Problems” (I’m paraphrasing).

So here are a few things that make a bad ass ninja (like myself), well, BAD ASS.

Bedside Battle Monkey
The first thing you should know, I can’t wake up to a regular alarm clock.  Regular alarm clocks are for normal people who aren’t bad ass ninjas. Awesome ninjas like myself need something more dangerous to get us out of bed and out the door.  Personally, I wake up to the attacks of a monkey in robotic battle armor that is trained to kill me (pic above).  Seriously, that monkey is literally trained to tear out my stomach and dance around with my entrails like he’s at some psychotic rave party.  To start my day, I must fight this Battle Monkey Alarm (BMA) in order to get out of the house. And believe you me, this monkey is trained well.  Our battles are like 3 hours long.  Not only does this get my blood pumping in the morning (and not just figuratively), it keeps my killing instincts sharp.  When the insides of my bedroom are covered in Battle Monkey’s gore and feces (even battle monkeys like throwing poo) I can then continue my morning with my next ritual, a hot cup ‘o joe.

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Hilariously Inappropriate Star Wars items

Posted in humor, movies, pop culture, Star Wars with tags , , on September 23, 2009 by Paxton

Star Wars Toy Galaxy

Star Wars is iconic. Almost all kids love it. Floppy haired ’70s kids. Neon wearing ’80s kids. Baseball cap tilted 20 degrees to the right ’90s kids. All of them. They have heard and love Star Wars (well, they’ve at least heard of it). It’s ubiquitous. With the metric tons of crap that is produced within the Star Wars brand, there is going to be a few missteps. Maybe quality control got drunk and fell asleep on the job, maybe someone just got a little greedy, maybe the Lucasfilm execs are nothing but perverts. For whatever reason, questionable products are released all the time. Here are 5 of the most inappropriate Star Wars toys meant for children.

C3PO error card
Topps Star Wars movie card #207 — This is probably the most well known of the “vaguely obscene” Star Wars items.  Take a look at this image of C3PO.  Take a goooooood look.  Right around the “bathing suit area”.  Hmmmm, what’s that?  I can’t quite………holy crap.  I guess this gives new meaning to the term “fully functional”.  Am I right?  Goldenrod, indeed!  You can click the image to make it bigger, if you are into that sort of thing (and are gross).

C3PO tape dispenser
C3PO tape dispenser — C3PO, dude, WTF?! Was the card above not inappropriate enough? Now kids are supposed to grab your “wheel” to get some tape? For once in your life, Threepio, show some dignity. I don’t think I can “unsee” any C3PO suppositories or  “body massagers” that come about because you are a media whore.

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Line Rage: Waiting in line at Subway

Posted in fast food, humor, life, Subway with tags , , , on September 3, 2009 by Paxton

Subway store

So, I didn’t bring my lunch and I decide to go to Subway. If any of you have ever stood in line at a fast food place, you will understand the term LINE RAGE. Witness the phenomenon in action.

______________________

I open the door, enter the Subway restaurant and quickly assess the line “situation”.  Ahh, good, only 3 people in front of me this should go very quickly.

–10 minutes later

WTF is taking so long, lady?  LETS. GO.  Are you having a conversation with the “sandwich artist”?  Are they your long lost relative?  I DON’T F’N CARE! ORDER. YOUR. SANDWICH.

–5 more minutes later

Finally, I think this chick is wrapping up her order.  It’s a good thing because I almost had to go “Michael Douglas in Falling Down” up in this place.  How the hell does a veggie delight take so damn long to order?  Anyway, this guy is up next.  Hopefully he’s efficient and ready…..wait, oh crap.  Dude has a bluetooth headset in his ear.  He’s also wearing a button down shirt and khakis.  NO! NO! NO!  I may have an “office orderer” on my hands.  Dude, DO NOT reach in your pocket and grab a list!  He’s reaching in his pocket.  Man, you better be pulling out your wallet or a picture of your grandmother because if you pull out a list of sandwiches I’m gonna be all over you like a fat kid on cake………………….He did it.  He pulled out his list.  I’m sorry my friend, but today is a good day to die.

Die

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7 Time Machines that would suck if they existed in the real world

Posted in humor, movies, pop culture, time machine, time travel with tags , , , , , on July 21, 2009 by Paxton

Time Travel

As promised, here is the third article in my list of failed Cracked.com pitches.  This was actually the first pitch I made to them.

Let’s be honest, time travel is bad ass.  Everyone would love to travel back in time and buy up shares of Microsoft or crates of unboxed Star Wars figures from back in the ’70s and then return to the present and live large like P Diddy.  We are all waiting for that moment when NASA holds a press conference and says, “HOLY CRAP, WE JUST SAW DINOSAURS!!!  I WAS NEARLY EATEN BY A T-REX!!  A F’N T-REX, PEOPLE!!”  Everyone on Earth is gonna lose their minds and there will be rioting in the streets like when the Lakers win an NBA Championship.  So when this announcement inevitably happens in the far flung future, what will be the rules of time travel?  What will the time travel vehicle look like?  No one knows.  Movies, TV and books have given us some ideas of what time travel MAY be like.  Let’s take a look at what I hope will NOT be what time travel is like when we all get to go back in time and play Marty McFly.

Bill & Ted's Phonebooth
The Phonebooth from the two Bill & Ted movies — Despite what the movies show you, this is no good for sending teams of people back.  I know Bill & Ted fit like 20 people in it, but in reality, have you ever tried to fit TWO people in a phone booth?  It’s like a game of Twister.  To send several people back you’d really need like 10 booths.  Besides, AT&T stopped servicing and turned off all their phone booths, so are there any fully enclosed phone booths left?  Why don’t we just make the time vehicle out of a horse and carriage?  It makes as much sense.  And the flimsy rabbit ears antenna on top?  Is this booth traveling through time or trying to pick up grainy cable stations?  It’s BEGGING to be damaged by random debris in the time continuum.  Plus, who the hell came up with the phone book and dialing strings of numbers to get to specific dates?  A yellow pages of time travel?  What if you want to go back to ancient Rome to meet Socrates, mis-dial the number and get dropped in the middle of the Spanish Inquisition?  Hope you are fireproof cause you are gonna get burned alive as a heretic.  Time travel’s not so fun now, is it?

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Being a comedy contributor at Cracked.com like being repeatedly punched in the crotch until you die

Posted in blogging, humor, life with tags , , , , , on July 20, 2009 by Paxton

cracked_page1

Hey, everyone, I don’t know if everybody knows this, but I was accepted as a comedy writer/contributor at Cracked.com. That means I get to make comedy pitches to the Cracked editors and if they accept my pitch, I get to write the article. It was a huge deal for me to be accepted as a writer there and I’ve been stoked to submit pitches to them in the hopes that I can start writing comedy somewhat “professionally”.  It’s interesting to see how that website and it’s editors work behind the scenes. They have strict rules about what they accept and I’ve had several comedy pitches turned down by the editors. The editors liked my pitches, but the article format at Cracked is a vicious beast, and I was told the content didn’t fit what they are trying to do. Not to be deterred, I’m taking these failed pitches, writing them anyway and posting them here.

I’ve posted two failed Cracked pitches already without telling you. The articles 15 Steps for Surviving the Zombie Apocolypse and Little Women Fight Club: Making Literature more Awesome were both pitches that were turned down by Cracked.com. If you haven’t, go read those articles and let me know that they are awesome and that Cracked can “suck it”.  Because I thought the ideas were good anyway, I wrote them and posted them up for you guys to see.  This week’s article is another failed comedy pitch (either I’m not very good at comedy writing or Cracked.com is just not a good fit for me). It’s a re-imagining of an earlier article I wrote about Pop Culture’s Coolest Time Machines. Think of this third failed Cracked article as the previous article’s evil twin brother.

So, I think the frequency of my pitches to Cracked are going to stop for the time being.  All the rejects these past few months were kind of getting me down and I was not even wanting to write on this blog.  But, I’ve built a bridge, gotten over it, and now I’m back kicking your ass with AWESOME!!  Never fear, I’m still here, bringing you the awesome funny that will melt your face into a puddle of sticky goo.

Be prepared, readers.  Be prepared.

Oh, and I still go over to Cracked and read their articles because they do have a phenomenally talented stable of writers and their stuff is constantly funny, hence me wanting to join their ranks.  I hold no ill will, and I’m still going to try to get stuff published over there, but not as hard as I’ve been trying since January.  My focus is writing for this blog and keeping it as cool and awesome as a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the grill.

Chuck roundhouse