George Lucas is a media merchandising whore. There is not one other property that consistently sells billions of dollars of toys and merchandise to consumers than Star Wars. Not one. And Star Wars has been doing it since 1977. So it’s not surprising to think of the breadth of items that have been released with the Star Wars logos all over them. I myself did a very popular story (that pretty much changed the world) about hilariously inappropriate Star Wars items. There isn’t a lot of items that are man-made that haven’t had some type of tie-in to Star Wars.
However, I have come up with a few items that have yet to be produced. Below are 5 Star Wars branded items that surprisingly have NOT been made yet. And George really needs to get on this because these items are AWESOME. They would easily give Lucas that little extra pocket money he so desperately needs right about now.
The Emperor Collector Series Taser Gun – One of my favorite scenes in the Star Wars movies is the final Death Star Showdown between Jedi Luke, Darth Vader and The Emperor. When The Emperor pulled out Sith Lightning after Luke had defeated his father, I was like, “OH S**T!! WTF WAS THAT!?” Sith Lightning is BADASS. So I think it’s a natural to take The Emperor, Sith Lightning and Taser guns, mix well, and give them to law enforcement and kids. Imagine thousands of kids playing Death Star in the backyard, whipping out The Emperor Taser gun, whispering, “And now young Skywalker, you will die” and then unleashing the full stunning fury of blue Sith Lightning on their brother or sister. Can you imagine a cop that wouldn’t shout “Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Darkside” before he tases the crap out of a degenerate criminal? It would be GLORIOUS!!!
Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler – It’s quite obvious that Vader has a bit of an asthma problem. Listening to Vader wheeze his way through three and a half movies is like listening to Rosie O’Donnell walk a flight of steps. Maybe we should use this to give confidence to kids with asthma. “See, Darth Vader has asthma and he destroyed an entire PLANET!” I can just imagine the commercial now, Darth Vader in the Death Star planning room. One of the Moffs starts choking and weezing and you think Vader is choking him with the power of The Force. Instead, Vader says, “Your lack of breath is disturbing” then hands the out of breath officer the Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler. The Moff takes a few puffs and the meeting can resume to pats on Vader’s back for a job well done. Excuse me while I head to the patent office website to copyright that “lack of breath” line I just came up with. GENIUS!