5 Star Wars items they shockingly haven’t made yet
George Lucas is a media merchandising whore. There is not one other property that consistently sells billions of dollars of toys and merchandise to consumers than Star Wars. Not one. And Star Wars has been doing it since 1977. So it’s not surprising to think of the breadth of items that have been released with the Star Wars logos all over them. I myself did a very popular story (that pretty much changed the world) about hilariously inappropriate Star Wars items. There isn’t a lot of items that are man-made that haven’t had some type of tie-in to Star Wars.
However, I have come up with a few items that have yet to be produced. Below are 5 Star Wars branded items that surprisingly have NOT been made yet. And George really needs to get on this because these items are AWESOME. They would easily give Lucas that little extra pocket money he so desperately needs right about now.
The Emperor Collector Series Taser Gun – One of my favorite scenes in the Star Wars movies is the final Death Star Showdown between Jedi Luke, Darth Vader and The Emperor. When The Emperor pulled out Sith Lightning after Luke had defeated his father, I was like, “OH S**T!! WTF WAS THAT!?” Sith Lightning is BADASS. So I think it’s a natural to take The Emperor, Sith Lightning and Taser guns, mix well, and give them to law enforcement and kids. Imagine thousands of kids playing Death Star in the backyard, whipping out The Emperor Taser gun, whispering, “And now young Skywalker, you will die” and then unleashing the full stunning fury of blue Sith Lightning on their brother or sister. Can you imagine a cop that wouldn’t shout “Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Darkside” before he tases the crap out of a degenerate criminal? It would be GLORIOUS!!!
Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler – It’s quite obvious that Vader has a bit of an asthma problem. Listening to Vader wheeze his way through three and a half movies is like listening to Rosie O’Donnell walk a flight of steps. Maybe we should use this to give confidence to kids with asthma. “See, Darth Vader has asthma and he destroyed an entire PLANET!” I can just imagine the commercial now, Darth Vader in the Death Star planning room. One of the Moffs starts choking and weezing and you think Vader is choking him with the power of The Force. Instead, Vader says, “Your lack of breath is disturbing” then hands the out of breath officer the Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler. The Moff takes a few puffs and the meeting can resume to pats on Vader’s back for a job well done. Excuse me while I head to the patent office website to copyright that “lack of breath” line I just came up with. GENIUS!
Toshi Station Power Converters – How f’n OBVIOUS is this one? Seriously. Toshi Station. Power converters. They go together like Lennon and McCartney. Peanut butter and jelly. Made famous in A New Hope when Luke famously said that he wanted to go to Toshi Station and pick up some power converters. Well, he didn’t actually SAY it, he WHINED it. Real annoyingly. Think about it, if Luke had been allowed to pick up his damn power converters, the galaxy may have been under Imperial rule for many more years. So thank Uncle Owen for not giving in to Luke’s incessant, girly whining about f’n POWER CONVERTERS, telling him to stop being a baby and make him do his chores.
Star Wars “Moisture Vaporator” Dehumidifier – If you ask me, this is another obvious one. Moisture vaporators were those incredibly tall spear like machines you see in the Tatooine scenes in A New Hope. Their purpose is to pull excess moisture from the dry, desert air for harvesting. When Owen is looking to buy a droid, he says he needs a droid that can understand the binary language of moisture vaporators. So, how awesome would it be to have a dehumidifier that is shaped like a moisture vaporator? They do the exact same job. Am I the only one that sees this?! Put this baby next to your bed. Then, when you bring over the girlfriend and she sees this thing on your nightstand, you can say, “I need a girl who can understand the binary language of I’M A F’N DORK”. These ideas are like printing my own money. I AM WEAVING GOLD HERE, PEOPLE!
AT-AT Hoth Sno-Kone Machine – Ahh, the chilly wasteland of Hoth. Miles and miles of snow, tauntauns, Wampas and rebel bases. Interesting how the rebel alliance picks the most extreme weather planets for their bases. Yavin 4 was a humid rainforest planet. Hoth is a planet covered entirely in snowy, icy tundras. I bet the rebel’s next base would have been on a planet that is constantly on fire, or maybe constantly raining. Anyway, they have surprisingly never made a Star Wars Hoth Planet Snow Cone Machine. However they have made a Star Wars popcorn machine. Why?! I don’t remember Vader digging his gloved hand into a box of buttered popcorn before he choked the life out of his currently doomed Admiral. WTF?! THE PLANET HOTH WAS ACTUALLY COVERED ENTIRELY IN SNOW! THEY CALLED IT THE ICE PLANET! Hellooooooo. Ice. Snow. F’n snow cones. Am I just that much of a visionary? GET THIS DONE, LUCAS!
Man, reading this article probably blew your mind. Watching me brainstorm like this must have been like watching Edison invent the light bulb or Einstein work out the theory of Relativity. You don’t really know what the hell you are looking at, but you know it was pretty awesome.