Archive for humor

Making 7 Literary Classics More AWESOME

Posted in books, Classic literature with tags , , , , , , , on February 26, 2014 by Paxton

Bad Ass Book Report

I’m a reader. I love to read. And I sometimes enjoy reading classic literature. However, some of the old stuff is just flat out boring as balls.  I mean, have you actually read Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles, Frank Norris’ McTeague or anything by James Joyce?  Snoozeville.  Population…YOU.  I had to read those in high school and I needed to drink a case of Jolt Cola to get through just one chapter.

So, being the helpful guy that I am, I thought I’d take some boring classics you may have had to read in high school and college and make them better.  More AWESOME.  And easier to read.

So now, here are seven ways to make classic literature a lot more AWESOME. You are welcome, literature.

Don Corleone Quixote
Don Corleone Quixote – Old guard crime boss Don Corleone Quixote sets up shop in an old windmill with trusty right hand man Pancha.

Little Haunted House on the Prairie
Little Haunted House on the Prairie – A family is brutally murdered in their secluded old farm house.  Twenty years later, an unsuspecting couple purchases the old farm house looking for a serene retreat from their hectic lives only to find skin crawling terror and wheelbarrows of blood.

Grapes of Wrath of Khan
The Grapes of Wrath of Khan – The Joad family pick up a hitchhiker on their way to California.  Little do they know their new addition is a genetically enhanced super being from the future looking to overthrow and rule the human race.  Wackiness ensues.

Continue reading

Advertisements

12 of Superman’s Most Absurd Pre-Crisis Super Powers

Posted in 80s, comic books, nostalgia, pop culture, Superman with tags , , , , , , , on July 4, 2011 by Paxton

Superman Week

Everyone knows the many standard powers of Superman; fly, super-strength, super-speed, super-breath, invulnerable, heat-vision, etc.  Not everyone knows, though, that he didn’t always have many of these abilities. Not only that, Superman has several other super powers that are less used, but still kept in his back pocket for just the right moment when he can whip it out and dazzle everyone.

As the years went on, and writers kept getting more…”creative”…Supes powers were quickly growing and getting more out of control. These little known powers had stacked up over the years until finally DC had to say, “Dammit, that’s enough” and launched the massive Crisis on Infinite Earths event to just level the playing field.

Let’s take a look at some of the lesser known, and therefore more humorous, of Superman’s Pre-Crisis abilities .  I’ll include panels of Superman using the ridiculous powers when I can.  If you have trouble reading the text, click the images to make them bigger.

Super Ventriloquism 1 Super Ventriloquism 2
Super-Ventriloquism and other voice “powers” – Not only Super-V, he had a whole bag full of voice powers that writers tended to wield at their hip like gunslingers. Superman could throw his voice over great distances and also possessed super-voice-mimicry, which means he could make his voice sound like anyone else. That power must come in handy at parties when you are stuck talking to the guy who won’t leave you alone and keeps asking you to come check out his “sweet van” out in the parking lot.  The one painted all white with no windows (aka RAPE van).  If you were Supes, you could throw your voice across the room as someone else calling your name and you can get the hell out of there. Nicely done, Superman.  Or, you could just punch a hole in the rapist’s face because you are, you know, SUPERMAN.

Super Mathematics
Super-MathematicsSuper Mathematics? That looks a lot like regular mathematics to me. By the way, Super Douche, isn’t 20 x 16 x 10 = 3,200?

Super Weaving
Super-Weaving – Yes, that actually happened.  Super weaving.  Not weaving at super speed.  Super-weaving.

Super Hypnosis
Super-Hypnosis – Apparently this is why no one recognizes Clark Kent is Superman.  And it apparently works even when he isn’t concentrating on using it (I guess that’s what makes it super hypnosis?).  However, I prefer to ignore this power and assume that everyone in Metropolis is just that dumb to notice they are the same person.  Or they really just don’t care.

Super Telepathic Will Control
Super-Telepathic Will Control – In an early issue of Superman where he’s kidnapped by aliens, he whips out telepathic will control, which allows him to override someone’s mind and make their body do whatever Superman wants.  If he can do this, then why would he ever need Super Hypnosis?

Continue reading

17 Things I’ve learned about life from watching movies and TV

Posted in hollywood life lessons, humor, movies, pop culture, TV shows with tags , , , , on March 4, 2010 by Paxton

1000-tvs1

My wife and I watch a lot of movies and TV shows. We love the s**t out of them. We try to see a movie at least every weekend and we have multiple shows we watch during the week. It’s hectic keeping up with that.

However, having watched all of these movies and TV shows, we have come to take away many deep and thoughtful life lessons. Things you can’t learn by living life, but by watching hours and hours of Hollywood entertainment.

So here are 17 things we’ve learned while watching all of these TV and movies.

Davy Jones
You will always have need of a celebrity (for a charity performance or prom) at the exact time that celebrity is in town for a concert or filming a movie/TV appearance. If you need to get in to see them, it’s very easy to sneak past or distract their security people because they are always completely ineffective. The celebrity will never get pissed that their security people suck and everyone keeps sneaking in to their hotel room.

Monica's Apt
Large, studio apartments (with or without wacky roommate[s]) are affordable even for the most meager of budgets. As are furnishings from Potterybarn or Crate and Barrel. College kids and people right out of college have immaculate decorating sense.

Jolie Wanted
If you are being held at gunpoint, start running away just as the shooter starts shooting and tip over a table/couch/chair to hide behind. The bullets won’t be able to hit you. Odds are the shooter is a terrible shot anyway, and will hit EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ROOM except for you. If you do get hit, don’t worry, bullet wounds apparently don’t hurt very much as no one cries out or whimpers with a bullet in them. You mainly shrug it off and wait for someone to bandage you up (heavy, stuttered breathing and sweating may be the only symptom that you have been shot). You may also have a sudden urge to tell your partner to “go on without you”, even with a non-fatal bullet to the shoulder.

Dirty_Harry
When you walk into a room and see the person you are trying to capture or shoot, call out their name or yell ‘Hey!’ or ‘Stop!’ first to give them a sporting chance to run. The element of surprise is overrated…and unfair.

Mr Miyagi
If you are being bullied at school, seek out the friendly, ethnic janitor or find your apartment building’s gardener or handyman. All of these eccentric, foreign, older men were actually master martial artists back in their homeland and gave up the fame and glory of being badass tournament fighters to live the dream of being a janitor/handyman here in America.

Defeat
You can defeat a master martial artist who has been studying for his entire life if you spend a few weeks/months learning to fight from the aforementioned janitor or handyman.

Continue reading

15 murder mystery books with absurdly specific subjects

Posted in books, humor, pop culture with tags , , , on February 12, 2010 by Paxton

Badass Book Report

I love books and I love to read. I spend a lot of my time trolling through bookstores and used paperback shops just browsing. Sometimes after browsing for 2 hours I’ll buy a stack of like six books and sometimes I’ll buy nothing, to the ever increasing frustration of my wife.  She can go into a bookstore, look for 10 minutes and be done.  However, get her in a fabric store and time loses all meaning.  But a bookstore, that’s my domain.

One of the things I love to read is the murder mystery genre.  It’s one of the most popular genres of books including such classic authors as Agatha Christie and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  Recently I’ve noticed a trend with murder mysteries wherein the author tailors the murder story around a specific hobby or lifestyle.  I guess it’s to make the story more relatable to the reader.  As this practice has become more and more popular, the subjects for these murder mystery books has become so intensely specific that it has become a bit ludicrous.  Here are ten of the most ridiculously specific murder mystery books I could find.  And there may be even more odd ball ones out there. You can click the book covers to read more about the titles on Barnes & Noble.com.

Sudoku mystery
Sudoku, the OCD numbers puzzle that has become quite the rage the last few years. Now, there’s a murder mystery series featuring them. The story in this series involves a Sudoku creator for the Oregon Daily participating in a Sudoku tournament where a competitor turns up dead. She must solve the mystery and then win the Sudoku tournament (of course she does) if she is to be crowned King Sudoku and become one of the 8 Deadly Immortals and protect the Earth from the attacking Demonicle hordes…..okay, I made the last part up, but I was getting a little bored and had to think of something a little more awesome than winning a Sudoku tournament.  Other titles in this series include Murder by Numbers and Sinister Sudoku.

Crossword Puzzle series
Crossword puzzles.  They are like Sudoku for old people.  People obsess over these things.  There are books and dictionaries created specifically to help people solve crossword puzzles.  My father, my mother-in-law and my aunt are obsessed with these things.  My dad told me that he’ll start a crossword puzzle during breakfast and the next time he looks up it’s 5pm, time for dinner and he hasn’t moved…or showered.  Great, my dad is becoming Howard Hughes.  What’s an 8 letter word for shut in?  (FYI…it’s “puzzlers”)  Other titles in this series include Puzzled to Death and And a Puzzle to Die On. Stay tuned for mysteries involving Yahtzee, Bunko and Parcheesi.  Okay, Dad, you can shower now.

Tea Shop mysteries Coffeehouse mystery
These two books belong in the “so boring I may have just passed out” category.  On the left you see the first book in a mystery series about a tea shop. A.TEA. SHOP.  Yes, little old ladies in red hats drinking tea and eating scones off lace doilies solving murders.  It’s like a less interesting Murder, She Wrote (if that’s possible).  Each title in the book has the name of a tea in the title as a pun.  For instance, Gunpowder Green and Shades of Earl Gray.  It’s like the author is actively trying to get me NOT read her books.  On the right you can see the first book in the “coffeehouse mysteries” set in a trendy “mom and pop” coffee shop.  I guess a coffeehouse is as good a place as any for a murder scene because every time I go there with my wife there are several douchebags I want to actually murder.  Other coffeehouse titles include Decaffeinated Corpse and Roast Mortem. And since writing those “tea shop mysteries” most certainly drove the author insane, she also writes a mystery series about scrapbooking.

Continue reading

5 Star Wars items they shockingly haven’t made yet

Posted in humor, movies, pop culture, Star Wars with tags , , , on January 26, 2010 by Paxton

George Lucas is a media merchandising whore. There is not one other property that consistently sells billions of dollars of toys and merchandise to consumers than Star Wars. Not one.  And Star Wars has been doing it since 1977.  So it’s not surprising to think of the breadth of items that have been released with the Star Wars logos all over them.  I myself did a very popular story (that pretty much changed the world) about hilariously inappropriate Star Wars items.  There isn’t a lot of items that are man-made that haven’t had some type of tie-in to Star Wars.

However, I have come up with a few items that have yet to be produced.  Below are 5 Star Wars branded items that surprisingly have NOT been made yet.  And George really needs to get on this because these items are AWESOME.  They would easily give Lucas that little extra pocket money he so desperately needs right about now.

The Emporer Taser1 The Emporer Taser 2
The Emperor Collector Series Taser Gun – One of my favorite scenes in the Star Wars movies is the final Death Star Showdown between Jedi Luke, Darth Vader and The Emperor.  When The Emperor pulled out Sith Lightning after Luke had defeated his father, I was like, “OH S**T!!  WTF WAS THAT!?”  Sith Lightning is BADASS.  So I think it’s a natural to take The Emperor, Sith Lightning and Taser guns, mix well, and give them to law enforcement and kids.  Imagine thousands of kids playing Death Star in the backyard, whipping out The Emperor Taser gun, whispering, “And now young Skywalker, you will die” and then unleashing the full stunning fury of blue Sith Lightning on their brother or sister.   Can you imagine a cop that wouldn’t shout “Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Darkside” before he tases the crap out of a degenerate criminal?  It would be GLORIOUS!!!

Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler 2
Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler – It’s quite obvious that Vader has a bit of an asthma problem.  Listening to Vader wheeze his way through three and a half movies is like listening to Rosie O’Donnell walk a flight of steps.  Maybe we should use this to give confidence to kids with asthma.  “See, Darth Vader has asthma and he destroyed an entire PLANET!”  I can just imagine the commercial now, Darth Vader in the Death Star planning room.  One of the Moffs starts choking and weezing and you think Vader is choking him with the power of The Force.  Instead, Vader says, “Your lack of breath is disturbing” then hands the out of breath officer the Darth Vader Asthma Inhaler.  The Moff takes a few puffs and the meeting can resume to pats on Vader’s back for a job well done.  Excuse me while I head to the patent office website to copyright that “lack of breath” line I just came up with.  GENIUS!

Continue reading

Dragging Ass this week + funny videos

Posted in Back to the Future, movies, random with tags , , , on January 8, 2010 by Paxton

Dude, I’ve totally dragged ass this week on writing a post. I was supposed to put up my Best and Worst movies of 2009 but I just didn’t get around to finishing them. I’ve also got another article reviewing original series Star Trek episodes that I could write, but I just haven’t. Or an article about a great book series I just finished on Tuesday.  Any of these could have (nay, should have) been your article for this week, but I just decided to do what my friend Steve and I always did in college.  I called it a “personal week”.  Meaning I didn’t do s**t.

So, to tide everyone over, I’m going to show you two funny videos I’ve found around the net.  Sorta keep you entertained.  I fully intend to thrust into your consciousness my best/worst movie lists for 2009, so prepare for that.  Until then, laugh along with these funny and insane videos.


Everyone here knows my love of the Back to the Future trilogy. Well Tom Wilson, the guy who plays Biff in the series, actually does stand up comedy now. This is one of his best bits. It’s a song about all the dumb questions he gets asked over and over by fans.


Well played, Japan. Well. Played. You have actually won the Internet with this video.

Death and Bacon: Cavalcade of Awesome’s 2009 Xmas List

Posted in bacon, Christmas, holiday, humor, random with tags , , , , , on December 21, 2009 by Paxton

I’ve had several people ask me what’s on my Christmas list this year. What do I think is awesome enough to own for Christmas 2009.  So, in answer, I decided to show you guys what I’m asking for this year.

You guys know me by now.  If it’s not awesome, I don’t want it.  Here are a bunch of awesome (and possibly deadly) things I want for Christmas this year.

nunchucks
A set of sweet nunchucks.  I ruined my other pair of nunchucks earlier this year fighting off a pack of lions that were attacking an orphanage.  So I need new ones in case more orphanages are attacked by jungle cats.  It happens more often than you’d think.

ninja stars
Deadly shuriken, or Ninja Stars.  Ninja Stars come in handy in many different situations.  You can stick notes to the wall (see picture) or fatally puncture a victim in the head or heart.  Truly versatile instruments of death.

BTTF delorean
I really want a time machine.  It doesn’t have to be a Delorean like in Back to the Future (although that would be AWESOME).  It can be a Ferrari or Lamborghini or Audi.  I’m not picky.  But it must travel through time (backwards and forwards).  If it can only travel one way, then it’s pretty much useless, am I right?  Where would I go?  Lots of places, I’d check out Star Wars on opening day in 1977 (and buy up a bunch of vintage figs off the shelf).  I’d go back and kick my own ass for wearing parachute pants (to school, nonetheless).  I’d also go back and tell my dad to invest in Microsoft and Google and convince teenage Kanye West to be an accountant instead of a rapper.  Nothing big.  I’m really crossing my fingers for this one.

Continue reading