Archive for humor

Ninja Day 2009: Things that make a Bad Ass NINJA…well, BAD ASS

Posted in humor, Ninja Day, ninjas with tags , , on December 4, 2009 by Paxton

Ninja Day Banner

Tomorrow, Dec 5, is Ninja Day, my friends. Time to break out the katana, sharpen it up and prepare for all the face and gut stabbing that’ll be required on this most glorious of days!!  It’s gonna be a gut/face stabbing extravaganza.  Are you prepared?

Since it’s Ninja Day Eve, I thought I’d go ahead and post this year’s ninja celebratory article today.  I get a lot of hits on my previous Ninja Day articles for mainly two reasons.  One, the articles are about BAD ASS ninjas (duh) and two, THEY ARE ABOUT BAD ASS NINJAS.  Seriously, check them out. This blog has been celebrating Ninja Day since 2006. And that is not going to stop on my watch.

I get plenty of comments about the copious amounts of ninja love on this blog.  I’m always asked “how can I, too, become a bad ass ninja like yourself?”.  Good question, but let’s make one thing clear; you can become a ninja, but that won’t make you bad ass like myself.  However, since this is a valid question I thought I’d impart to all my “ninja civilian” readers what makes a bad ass ninja.  What do ninjas do on a daily basis that make them so much more bad-ass awesome than a normal person?   You constantly have to work at being BAD ASS and a ninja.  Like P-Diddy said, “Mo BAD ASS, Mo Problems” (I’m paraphrasing).

So here are a few things that make a bad ass ninja (like myself), well, BAD ASS.

Bedside Battle Monkey
The first thing you should know, I can’t wake up to a regular alarm clock.  Regular alarm clocks are for normal people who aren’t bad ass ninjas. Awesome ninjas like myself need something more dangerous to get us out of bed and out the door.  Personally, I wake up to the attacks of a monkey in robotic battle armor that is trained to kill me (pic above).  Seriously, that monkey is literally trained to tear out my stomach and dance around with my entrails like he’s at some psychotic rave party.  To start my day, I must fight this Battle Monkey Alarm (BMA) in order to get out of the house. And believe you me, this monkey is trained well.  Our battles are like 3 hours long.  Not only does this get my blood pumping in the morning (and not just figuratively), it keeps my killing instincts sharp.  When the insides of my bedroom are covered in Battle Monkey’s gore and feces (even battle monkeys like throwing poo) I can then continue my morning with my next ritual, a hot cup ‘o joe.

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Double Meat Beast Whopper: 6 Completely insane fast food menu items

Posted in Burger King, fast food, Japan, McDonald's, Pizza Hut with tags , , , , , on August 4, 2009 by Paxton

Dude, fast food ROCKS. I could eat it everyday, if it wouldn’t slowly kill me. Is it odd to love something that would kill me? I don’t care, I love it.

What I love most about fast food is the unbelievably over-the-top ways in which a restaurant will try to lure in customers. Menu items that inspire a nauseated sense of awe lure people in like zombies to a brain buffet. Japan is the king of crazy fast food, but the US has had it’s own triumphs. Let’s take a look at some of the most insane items a fast food restaurant has ever put on their menu.

BK Double Meat Beast Whopper
BK Double Meat Beast Whopper — We open this list with Burger King’s Double Meat Beast Whopper, which might actually be the coolest name ever for a hamburger.  This “beast” consists of two BK burger patties topped with a layer of pepperoni.  That’s right, instead of just stacking another patty and/or bacon on this heart stopper and calling it a day, BK gets creative, digs deep, and finds a different category of meat to get stuck in your heart and kill you.  It will probably surprise you to know that this is arguably the tamest sandwich on the list.  A double burger with pepperoni is the tamest sandwich on the list?  Yes it is.  Think you have the stones to continue?  Then let’s move on…

BK Quad Stacker
BK Quad Stacker — This bad ass burger kicks low blood pressure in the balls with FOUR hamburger patties, FOUR slices of bacon and FOUR slices of cheese. As far as I know these hunks of artery hardening insanity were available across the US as well as overseas.  As a matter of fact, Hungry Jacks, the Australian Burger King, offered a variation.  Hungry Jacks removed one of the hamburger patties (“whew!”) and added a FRIED EGG (“Wha-?!”).  The World:  “Fast food is making us fat!”  Burger King:  “F**k you.”

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7 Time Machines that would suck if they existed in the real world

Posted in humor, movies, pop culture, time machine, time travel with tags , , , , , on July 21, 2009 by Paxton

Time Travel

As promised, here is the third article in my list of failed Cracked.com pitches.  This was actually the first pitch I made to them.

Let’s be honest, time travel is bad ass.  Everyone would love to travel back in time and buy up shares of Microsoft or crates of unboxed Star Wars figures from back in the ’70s and then return to the present and live large like P Diddy.  We are all waiting for that moment when NASA holds a press conference and says, “HOLY CRAP, WE JUST SAW DINOSAURS!!!  I WAS NEARLY EATEN BY A T-REX!!  A F’N T-REX, PEOPLE!!”  Everyone on Earth is gonna lose their minds and there will be rioting in the streets like when the Lakers win an NBA Championship.  So when this announcement inevitably happens in the far flung future, what will be the rules of time travel?  What will the time travel vehicle look like?  No one knows.  Movies, TV and books have given us some ideas of what time travel MAY be like.  Let’s take a look at what I hope will NOT be what time travel is like when we all get to go back in time and play Marty McFly.

Bill & Ted's Phonebooth
The Phonebooth from the two Bill & Ted movies — Despite what the movies show you, this is no good for sending teams of people back.  I know Bill & Ted fit like 20 people in it, but in reality, have you ever tried to fit TWO people in a phone booth?  It’s like a game of Twister.  To send several people back you’d really need like 10 booths.  Besides, AT&T stopped servicing and turned off all their phone booths, so are there any fully enclosed phone booths left?  Why don’t we just make the time vehicle out of a horse and carriage?  It makes as much sense.  And the flimsy rabbit ears antenna on top?  Is this booth traveling through time or trying to pick up grainy cable stations?  It’s BEGGING to be damaged by random debris in the time continuum.  Plus, who the hell came up with the phone book and dialing strings of numbers to get to specific dates?  A yellow pages of time travel?  What if you want to go back to ancient Rome to meet Socrates, mis-dial the number and get dropped in the middle of the Spanish Inquisition?  Hope you are fireproof cause you are gonna get burned alive as a heretic.  Time travel’s not so fun now, is it?

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Being a comedy contributor at Cracked.com like being repeatedly punched in the crotch until you die

Posted in blogging, humor, life with tags , , , , , on July 20, 2009 by Paxton

cracked_page1

Hey, everyone, I don’t know if everybody knows this, but I was accepted as a comedy writer/contributor at Cracked.com. That means I get to make comedy pitches to the Cracked editors and if they accept my pitch, I get to write the article. It was a huge deal for me to be accepted as a writer there and I’ve been stoked to submit pitches to them in the hopes that I can start writing comedy somewhat “professionally”.  It’s interesting to see how that website and it’s editors work behind the scenes. They have strict rules about what they accept and I’ve had several comedy pitches turned down by the editors. The editors liked my pitches, but the article format at Cracked is a vicious beast, and I was told the content didn’t fit what they are trying to do. Not to be deterred, I’m taking these failed pitches, writing them anyway and posting them here.

I’ve posted two failed Cracked pitches already without telling you. The articles 15 Steps for Surviving the Zombie Apocolypse and Little Women Fight Club: Making Literature more Awesome were both pitches that were turned down by Cracked.com. If you haven’t, go read those articles and let me know that they are awesome and that Cracked can “suck it”.  Because I thought the ideas were good anyway, I wrote them and posted them up for you guys to see.  This week’s article is another failed comedy pitch (either I’m not very good at comedy writing or Cracked.com is just not a good fit for me). It’s a re-imagining of an earlier article I wrote about Pop Culture’s Coolest Time Machines. Think of this third failed Cracked article as the previous article’s evil twin brother.

So, I think the frequency of my pitches to Cracked are going to stop for the time being.  All the rejects these past few months were kind of getting me down and I was not even wanting to write on this blog.  But, I’ve built a bridge, gotten over it, and now I’m back kicking your ass with AWESOME!!  Never fear, I’m still here, bringing you the awesome funny that will melt your face into a puddle of sticky goo.

Be prepared, readers.  Be prepared.

Oh, and I still go over to Cracked and read their articles because they do have a phenomenally talented stable of writers and their stuff is constantly funny, hence me wanting to join their ranks.  I hold no ill will, and I’m still going to try to get stuff published over there, but not as hard as I’ve been trying since January.  My focus is writing for this blog and keeping it as cool and awesome as a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the grill.

Chuck roundhouse

Slammy Awards: The 5 most hilariously awful musical albums by professional wrestlers

Posted in Hulk Hogan, nostalgia, pop culture, wrestling, WWF with tags , , , , , , , on July 8, 2009 by Paxton

WWF logosI used to watch and follow professional wrestling. In the mid ’80s, the biggest game in town was the WWF.  Wrestlemanias I (1985), II (1986) and III (1987) were HUGE. In fact, Wrestlemania III, at the time, had the largest recorded attendance for a live indoor sporting event in North America and is considered the pinnacle of professional wrestling’s popularity. I had it on VHS but I’ve watched it so many times the video tape actually broke. The superstars that competed in those three Wrestlemanias are known to even non-fans today; Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Macho Man Randy Savage and even Mr T made an appearance to wrestle with Hulk Hogan.  The most recent Wrestlemania was number 25, held in April of 2009, and while professional wrestling is still wildly popular, it has not kept the mainstream audience it had back in the mid to late ’80s.

Wrestlemania I Wrestlemania II Wrestlemania III

Back during the golden years of the WWF, Vince McMahon was in his prime.  He marketed the everlovin’ CRAP out of his little federation.  True, he does it now, but really, McMahon has become almost a mockery of himself at this point.  Back then, he was a marketing genius, now, more a media whore than a media mogul.  Vince’s “all over the place” marketing strategies included video games, a line of giant, plastic action figures by LJN and a cartoon.  Now, companies do that all the time but back in the ’80s, that kind of cross promotion was unheard of.  Then, in 1985, Vince decided to move into the music making space.  Wrestlers have always had theme music that accompany them to the ring.  Instead of purchasing licensed songs, Vince thought they should record their own songs and market them on music albums.  So he gathered pretty much every wrestler he employed at the time and had them record their own theme music.  And the results were GLORIOUS.

Here are those first 5 heinously awful music albums as recorded by the wrestlers themselves.

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Spockcation 2009: My adventures in Jacksonville with 12″ Spock

Posted in Florida, humor, Jacksonville, movies, Star Trek with tags , , , , , , , on June 30, 2009 by Paxton

Spockcation 2009

Spock arrived last week and we got to spend the weekend together. I showed him the sights of Jacksonville and we bonded. It was nice.

Eclectorama is going to post a few of my pictures from this weekend as he’s the Spockcation host. But I’ll go ahead and show you guys a few of the pics with some commentary. If you want to see more of these pics head to my Spockcation 2009 Flickr set. Click the below images to make them BIGGER.

Spock reads ST novelSpock reads MadSpock reads Mad 2

While waiting around for me to get home from work Spock had lots of time to read. Surprisingly, his reading choices did not deviate from reading about himself. The dude is a narcissist.

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Spockcation 2009: Spock has arrived!!

Posted in humor, movies, random, Star Trek with tags , , , , , on June 24, 2009 by Paxton

Spockcation 2009

I posted back in April that I was a part of Eclectorama’s Spockcation 2009.  Spockcation 2009 involves a 12″ Spock action figure traveling abroad and getting his picture taken in tons of different cities.  As of two days ago, Spock has arrived at my place.  I’ll be spending the next week hanging out with him.  I have some fun places for us to visit.  Maybe we’ll visit the beaches and scope for chicks, maybe visit Jacksonville Memorial Stadium where the Jacksonville Jags play, maybe I’ll even challenge him to a drinking contest because we all know Vulcans can’t hold their liquor.  We’ll see where the week takes us.

It’s time to get rowdy like a 1st grade classroom.  I’ll post the pics of the aftermath of our Vulcan Olympics next week.

Spock's Arrival