Death and Bacon: Cavalcade of Awesome’s 2009 Xmas List
I’ve had several people ask me what’s on my Christmas list this year. What do I think is awesome enough to own for Christmas 2009. So, in answer, I decided to show you guys what I’m asking for this year.
You guys know me by now. If it’s not awesome, I don’t want it. Here are a bunch of awesome (and possibly deadly) things I want for Christmas this year.
A set of sweet nunchucks. I ruined my other pair of nunchucks earlier this year fighting off a pack of lions that were attacking an orphanage. So I need new ones in case more orphanages are attacked by jungle cats. It happens more often than you’d think.
Deadly shuriken, or Ninja Stars. Ninja Stars come in handy in many different situations. You can stick notes to the wall (see picture) or fatally puncture a victim in the head or heart. Truly versatile instruments of death.
I really want a time machine. It doesn’t have to be a Delorean like in Back to the Future (although that would be AWESOME). It can be a Ferrari or Lamborghini or Audi. I’m not picky. But it must travel through time (backwards and forwards). If it can only travel one way, then it’s pretty much useless, am I right? Where would I go? Lots of places, I’d check out Star Wars on opening day in 1977 (and buy up a bunch of vintage figs off the shelf). I’d go back and kick my own ass for wearing parachute pants (to school, nonetheless). I’d also go back and tell my dad to invest in Microsoft and Google and convince teenage Kanye West to be an accountant instead of a rapper. Nothing big. I’m really crossing my fingers for this one.
Baconnaise. Bacon flavored mayonnaise. This is for people who want heart disease, but are too lazy to make the bacon. Why are you still reading this? You should be ordering Baconnaise right now. Go.
Bottle of Squeez Bacon. Yes this exists. You don’t just squeeze this bacon spread on your sandwiches, you squeeze it on your SOUL. Spread it on your forehead to alleviate a headache. Apply it to your wounds, and it will heal you. There is nothing that Squeez Bacon can’t do. Except time travel. Hence my asking for a time machine a few entries ago.
For some reason foods other than bacon don’t taste like bacon. You can remedy this situation with Bacon Salt. Salt that tastes like bacon. I know, it’s so simple, yet so brilliant. Bacon Salt, you just blew my mind.
Turbaconducken. A chicken shoved inside a duck that is then shoved inside a turkey and then wrapped entirely in bacon. Go ahead, you can act horrified in front of other people. You can pretend you are disgusted by this literal display of meat porn. But I know, deep down, when no one is around, you want this. You want it deep inside you. You know how I know? You and I are the same. Turbaconducken, you complete us.