Archive for humor

3 Wolf and Moon shirt is officially greatest shirt in the Universe

Posted in humor, pop culture with tags , , , on June 5, 2009 by Paxton

Here’s some Friday fun for everyone. A new phenomenon has taken over the internet. The 3 Wolf/Moon shirt.

3 Wolf and Moon Shirt

This seemingly trailer park attire has become incredibly popular the last few months causing the shirt to become the #1 best selling apparel item on Amazon.com.  That’s right, this shirt is the #1 selling clothing item on Amazon.  WTF, you ask?  The popularity is based on the customer reviews.  People have started writing ironic and snarky comments expounding the virtues of wearing one of these shirts. People talk about how the shirt will increase your success with the opposite sex, fill the empty void in your soul, raise the dead, transport you to another dimension to meet the Wolf God and many, many other incredible feats.

Here are some of my favorite reviews (Click the images to see them full size):

3 Wolf review 1
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Little Women Fight Club: Ways to make classic literature more AWESOME

Posted in books, Classic literature, humor with tags , , , on June 3, 2009 by Paxton

Used BookstoreTo completely misquote Ron Burgundy, “I love books. Books-y, books, books. Here it goes down, down into my belly.” Okay, the last half of that mis-quote didn’t make any sense, but you get the point, I love to read. You can check the ever changing I Just Read and I Am Reading book sections on my blog’s sidebar (over there —>)to see what I’m currently enjoying and what I just finished enjoying. I thought about including what books I have “on deck” ready to be read in that sidebar, but really, it’s a crap shoot what gets picked up to be read next.  There’s no guarantee what I put there will, in fact, come next.

Anywho, sometimes I get on reading tangents where I want to knock out a few books that “the man” considers “classics”.  Stuff I never got to read while in school, or something I did read in school that I remember liking, but don’t remember a thing about it.  These are usually fun tangents and it’s allowed me to discover books like The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas, which I never read in school, but is FANTASTIC (why the hell didn’t I read that in school?).  However, there are some classics that I should read, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to read.  Books by authors like Bronte, Joyce and Austen, while considered classics by “people in the know”, are considered flowery, boring and gay by “me”.  If I fall asleep reading the synopsis on the back of the book, then there is little hope the ENTIRE book is going to keep my interest.  So there was a whole section of classic literature that I avoided and I was fine with that.  Until savant/genius/author Seth Graham-Smith decided he too thought classic literature needed a little help in being “less literary” and “more AWESOME”.  Thusly was Pride & Prejudice & Zombies birthed upon our virgin world.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Graham-Smith infuses a subplot involving a battle with the undead into the literary classic thereby making it relevant to guys everywhere.  I mean, what good is a literary classic if NO ONE wants to read it?  Seriously.  Besides, what is more romantic than fighting off an army of the undead?  It’s okay if you can’t come up with an answer to that question, there isn’t an answer other than ‘NOTHING’.

So, I thought, in what other books would this work?  The possibilities are endless.  So I sat down at my desk at work….um, I mean the table at home, after I got off work….and came up with a few more twists on some boring classic literature books that would get me to read them.  Come enjoy the awesome-ness with me.

Little Women Fight Club

Original Synopsis – Follows the lives of the four March sisters as they live, love and learn their way through life. It’s an allegorical novel that champions the strength of women during a time in America when women weren’t considered strong.

New More AWESOME Synopsis – The four March sisters, Jo, Meg, Beth and Amy, are always fighting. One day, a fight promoter, James Lawrence, happens upon one of their more viscous fights and gets an idea. Guys everywhere would pay to see these ladies just go at it in an all out battle royal. Mr Lawrence talks to the girls’ father and, having recently lost a good amount of the family’s money, he agrees to let Mr Lawrence train the girls for a traveling “girl fight” festival. The promoter recruits a few other girls from the nearby area and trains them in boxing and Greco-Roman wrestling. The girls then tour the country side with Mr Lawrence, fighting in a 10 woman battle royal 6 nights a week. The story follows the girls across the country as they live in the festival caravan and fight, love and learn in various small towns across 19th century America. This new version also shows the strength of women…in revealing clothing…in non-sanctioned bloody cage matches. Movie rights are pending.

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Bait and Switch: Horrible movies that had great trailers

Posted in humor, internet, movies, pop culture with tags , , , , , on May 27, 2009 by Paxton

preview_screenIt’s happened to all of us. You are sitting in the theater, watching the coming attractions, waiting for your movie to start, and a trailer comes on that blows you through the back of the theater. You think, “That looks AWESOME!” and mentally make a note to check it out later. When the day comes that you can finally check out the movie you’ve been building up in your mind for months, you are disappointed. Maybe more so, maybe you are pissed. Perhaps even outright hostile towards the movie which did nothing to you except suck the will to live out of you.  It’s called the “bait and switch”.  Offer you one thing to get you in the theater, then give you something completely different.

Cutting together a trailer has almost become an art form in today’s Hollywood.  How many times have you watched a trailer and one funny line kills you, then you go see the movie and that was the only funny thing in the entire flaming pile of “poo doo”?  Too often.  Movie trailers should be considered a social contract.  If you promise to deliver an ass-melting action movie, then you better damn well deliver or I get to go to the director’s (or actors’, or producers’) home  and suplex them through their glass topped living room table.  It’s only fair.

Let’s take a look at a list of movies that had really awesome trailers, only to not deliver on said promise of awesome.

Snakes on a Plane
Snakes on a Plane (2006) – When the trailer for this movie started making the rounds on the internet in 2005-2006, it blew up big. Everyone was talking about it. People thought this movie was going to open HUGE. It didn’t. Turns out the movie kinda blew. The best part of the movie was Samuel Jackson and his one line about muthaf’n snakes which, by the way, was not originally in the film and added during post-production.  The expectations were too high for a Grade B horror movie that works better late at night, on HBO with like 5 drunk friends.  Surprisingly, it’s not as entertaining when you’ve just paid $10 for admission, $20 for concessions and aren’t completely bombed.

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Sweet Tweets: Excerpts from my awesome Twitter feed

Posted in humor, technology, Twitter with tags , , , on May 21, 2009 by Paxton

I know many of you are stuck in the Stone Age so you aren’t following the fun at Twitter. It’s pretty zany. For those of you not joining in, I thought I’d show you some of the tweets I’ve been putting up just so you aren’t missing out.

First off, here’s the Cavalcade’s Twitter profile page (click it to go to the actual page):

twitter_profile

You can see my last tweet at the very top of the profile page about my thumb drive crashing. That is true. I’m trying to recover several things I lost on that drive. Luckily, I didn’t lose anything devastating, but it is a pain in the posterior.

Like I said, I’m going to post a few of my tweets so you can get an idea of the massive amounts of funny that is getting thrown around the Twittersphere.  I’ll do this every once in a while to keep the Twitter-less readers “in the loop”.

Here’s a tweet I did about American Idol back in April.  I sent this when they were still in the top 10.

twitter_amidol

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My 15 step plan for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Posted in humor, pop culture, zombies with tags , , , , on May 7, 2009 by Paxton

Zombie ApocalypseFirst of all, welcome to all the new readers who got here through StumbleUpon. Apparently someone recommended my McDonald’s commercials article from Tuesday and I got a flood of visitors “stumbling” onto my blog. So welcome new readers, hope you enjoy your stay and stick around to enjoy some AWESOME goodness. Today, I discuss, the Zombie Apocalypse.

It’s inevitable. There will be an apocalypse. The only question is, what kind? Will the computers become self-aware, rise up SkyNet-style and annihilate all humans? Will the robots we build all of a sudden get sick of being used to disarm bombs or fetch us a beer and rise up to take over the world? Maybe the mighty Leprechaun army will finally gather and surge against their overly tall oppressors who are constantly searching for their “pot ‘o gold”. Any of these scenarios are viable apocalypse situations. Another more popular situation involves the dead walking around feasting on living brain tissue. This one is known as the Zombie Apocalypse.

Every guy grows up knowing about these various apocalypse situations. Some believe more in the Computer Apocalypse, some put their money on the Robot Apocalypse. Now, I admit, on paper, the idea of living robots rising up against humanity or the undead walking the Earth eating brains sounds pretty bad ass but, in reality, the situation would be pretty horrifying. So, in preparation, many guys make their “Apocalypse Contingency Plan”. In the event of one of the aforementioned apocalypses actually happening, this “contingency plan” would allow you and your loved ones to survive the difficult coming months. So, as I’m a believer in World War Z (aka WWZ, aka Zombie Apocalypse), I thought I’d present to you my 15 step plan for surviving the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

Note: Early in our marriage, I let my wife in on this contingency plan. She laughed and mocked the idea of a zombie apocalypse. She is no longer a part of the contingency plan.

Danger Zombies

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How my iPod Shuffle controls my runs like a mini-dictator

Posted in Apple, exercise, humor, iPod, life, running, technology with tags , , , , , on April 16, 2009 by Paxton

Okay, I mentioned earlier that I ran the Gate River Run here in Jacksonville on Mar 14. Well, I was able to run the whole 9.3 miles and I finished in 1hr and 33minutes. That’s right at 10 minute miles. I’m happy with that and I hope to break that next year. If you want to see some pics of me during the race click here.  Beware, I look ROUGH.

I’ve had a few people ask what I like to listen to when I’m running and the answer is my iPod Shuffle. I load it up with some awesome running tunes and then just let it pick the order. It’s great. As for the type of music, I enjoy hard rock and a bit of gangsta rap when I run. I need high energy to keep me going. No ballads or wimpy crap. I need ball-drivin’, head-bangin’, car-crashin’, ear-splittin’ RAAAAWWWWWWK when I run.

The other day I was feeling saucy so I hooked my Shuffle up to the computer and set iTunes to auto-load songs. This means I have no idea what was picked as everything was just picked at random. Normally, I tell iTunes what songs I want, then the iPod picks the playlist order, but this time I let iTunes pick the songs. FYI…that was a HUGE mistake. I have this running condition called MADD, Music Attention Deficit Disorder. I may LOVE a song in the car, but when I’m running, odds are, I’m going to hate it. Seriously, when I’m running, the chances of me liking a song are cut to 50%, at least.

Want to know how my run went? Below is the horrible sound track to a man dying. There were some good songs, but then, there was everything else.

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My iPhone can now kill hookers, travel through time

Posted in Apple, cell phones, humor, iPhone, pop culture, technology with tags , , , on September 12, 2008 by Paxton

Apple Old LogoI know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “If Pax writes any more about his stupid iPhone I’m going to cut him with the prison shank I keep in my bathroom toilet.” Well, maybe you’re not thinking of that specifically, because, as my wife just informed me, not everyone has a prison shank hidden in their toilet tank (which is crazy, because you should have one. Seriously). All physical threats of violence to the side, I am in fact going to talk about my supremely awesome iPhone again. If you got a got a problem with it, you can meet me on the corner of Shut and The Hell Up. I’ll be the guy stabbing people with a wet prison shank named Skip. Yes, his name is Skip. He likes action movies, listening to AC/DC, and shanking people in the gut. Come up, say hi and he’ll shank you in the gut.

For those that don’t want to die, I thought I’d talk a little bit about applications you can download for your iPhone.  Ever since Apple let third party developers design mini-applications (aka apps) for the iPhone that get distributed on iTunes, many cool and interesting games and productivity apps have shown up.  As good as these apps are, they don’t cover every circumstance you find yourself in.  What if some A-hole cuts you off in traffic and giving the guy “the finger” just won’t cut it?  Or what if the hooker you are seeing threatens to go to your wife?  The iPhone can’t help you in either situation, bro.  However, I’ve designed a few apps that may give you the upper hand should you find yourself in one of the above “less than ideal” situations.

If you thought the iPhone was awesome before,  my new “Cavalcade of Awesome” apps make the iPhone so ridiculously kick-ass it may bend the fabric of reality itself.  You could be talking on your iPhone, set off one of my apps, then find yourself in another dimension.  My stuff is that good.  Be careful though, I was testing some of my applications and next thing I know I was in a battle arena on Cylus 3 facing the nose tusk of a Snaarlak beast.  Let me tell you, a Snaarlak beast makes a Chnultha serpent look like a baby Greeb.  My situation escalated quickly and I had to use the Cavalcade of Awesome apps to their full extent.  I’m lucky to be typing this article today.

So let’s take a look at a few of my new apps.

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