Archive for humor

Being a comedy contributor at Cracked.com like being repeatedly punched in the crotch until you die

Posted in blogging, humor, life with tags , , , , , on July 20, 2009 by Paxton

cracked_page1

Hey, everyone, I don’t know if everybody knows this, but I was accepted as a comedy writer/contributor at Cracked.com. That means I get to make comedy pitches to the Cracked editors and if they accept my pitch, I get to write the article. It was a huge deal for me to be accepted as a writer there and I’ve been stoked to submit pitches to them in the hopes that I can start writing comedy somewhat “professionally”.  It’s interesting to see how that website and it’s editors work behind the scenes. They have strict rules about what they accept and I’ve had several comedy pitches turned down by the editors. The editors liked my pitches, but the article format at Cracked is a vicious beast, and I was told the content didn’t fit what they are trying to do. Not to be deterred, I’m taking these failed pitches, writing them anyway and posting them here.

I’ve posted two failed Cracked pitches already without telling you. The articles 15 Steps for Surviving the Zombie Apocolypse and Little Women Fight Club: Making Literature more Awesome were both pitches that were turned down by Cracked.com. If you haven’t, go read those articles and let me know that they are awesome and that Cracked can “suck it”.  Because I thought the ideas were good anyway, I wrote them and posted them up for you guys to see.  This week’s article is another failed comedy pitch (either I’m not very good at comedy writing or Cracked.com is just not a good fit for me). It’s a re-imagining of an earlier article I wrote about Pop Culture’s Coolest Time Machines. Think of this third failed Cracked article as the previous article’s evil twin brother.

So, I think the frequency of my pitches to Cracked are going to stop for the time being.  All the rejects these past few months were kind of getting me down and I was not even wanting to write on this blog.  But, I’ve built a bridge, gotten over it, and now I’m back kicking your ass with AWESOME!!  Never fear, I’m still here, bringing you the awesome funny that will melt your face into a puddle of sticky goo.

Be prepared, readers.  Be prepared.

Oh, and I still go over to Cracked and read their articles because they do have a phenomenally talented stable of writers and their stuff is constantly funny, hence me wanting to join their ranks.  I hold no ill will, and I’m still going to try to get stuff published over there, but not as hard as I’ve been trying since January.  My focus is writing for this blog and keeping it as cool and awesome as a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the grill.

Chuck roundhouse

Slammy Awards: The 5 most hilariously awful musical albums by professional wrestlers

Posted in Hulk Hogan, nostalgia, pop culture, wrestling, WWF with tags , , , , , , , on July 8, 2009 by Paxton

WWF logosI used to watch and follow professional wrestling. In the mid ’80s, the biggest game in town was the WWF.  Wrestlemanias I (1985), II (1986) and III (1987) were HUGE. In fact, Wrestlemania III, at the time, had the largest recorded attendance for a live indoor sporting event in North America and is considered the pinnacle of professional wrestling’s popularity. I had it on VHS but I’ve watched it so many times the video tape actually broke. The superstars that competed in those three Wrestlemanias are known to even non-fans today; Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Macho Man Randy Savage and even Mr T made an appearance to wrestle with Hulk Hogan.  The most recent Wrestlemania was number 25, held in April of 2009, and while professional wrestling is still wildly popular, it has not kept the mainstream audience it had back in the mid to late ’80s.

Wrestlemania I Wrestlemania II Wrestlemania III

Back during the golden years of the WWF, Vince McMahon was in his prime.  He marketed the everlovin’ CRAP out of his little federation.  True, he does it now, but really, McMahon has become almost a mockery of himself at this point.  Back then, he was a marketing genius, now, more a media whore than a media mogul.  Vince’s “all over the place” marketing strategies included video games, a line of giant, plastic action figures by LJN and a cartoon.  Now, companies do that all the time but back in the ’80s, that kind of cross promotion was unheard of.  Then, in 1985, Vince decided to move into the music making space.  Wrestlers have always had theme music that accompany them to the ring.  Instead of purchasing licensed songs, Vince thought they should record their own songs and market them on music albums.  So he gathered pretty much every wrestler he employed at the time and had them record their own theme music.  And the results were GLORIOUS.

Here are those first 5 heinously awful music albums as recorded by the wrestlers themselves.

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Spockcation 2009: My adventures in Jacksonville with 12″ Spock

Posted in Florida, humor, Jacksonville, movies, Star Trek with tags , , , , , , , on June 30, 2009 by Paxton

Spockcation 2009

Spock arrived last week and we got to spend the weekend together. I showed him the sights of Jacksonville and we bonded. It was nice.

Eclectorama is going to post a few of my pictures from this weekend as he’s the Spockcation host. But I’ll go ahead and show you guys a few of the pics with some commentary. If you want to see more of these pics head to my Spockcation 2009 Flickr set. Click the below images to make them BIGGER.

Spock reads ST novelSpock reads MadSpock reads Mad 2

While waiting around for me to get home from work Spock had lots of time to read. Surprisingly, his reading choices did not deviate from reading about himself. The dude is a narcissist.

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Spockcation 2009: Spock has arrived!!

Posted in humor, movies, random, Star Trek with tags , , , , , on June 24, 2009 by Paxton

Spockcation 2009

I posted back in April that I was a part of Eclectorama’s Spockcation 2009.  Spockcation 2009 involves a 12″ Spock action figure traveling abroad and getting his picture taken in tons of different cities.  As of two days ago, Spock has arrived at my place.  I’ll be spending the next week hanging out with him.  I have some fun places for us to visit.  Maybe we’ll visit the beaches and scope for chicks, maybe visit Jacksonville Memorial Stadium where the Jacksonville Jags play, maybe I’ll even challenge him to a drinking contest because we all know Vulcans can’t hold their liquor.  We’ll see where the week takes us.

It’s time to get rowdy like a 1st grade classroom.  I’ll post the pics of the aftermath of our Vulcan Olympics next week.

Spock's Arrival

3 Wolf and Moon shirt is officially greatest shirt in the Universe

Posted in humor, pop culture with tags , , , on June 5, 2009 by Paxton

Here’s some Friday fun for everyone. A new phenomenon has taken over the internet. The 3 Wolf/Moon shirt.

3 Wolf and Moon Shirt

This seemingly trailer park attire has become incredibly popular the last few months causing the shirt to become the #1 best selling apparel item on Amazon.com.  That’s right, this shirt is the #1 selling clothing item on Amazon.  WTF, you ask?  The popularity is based on the customer reviews.  People have started writing ironic and snarky comments expounding the virtues of wearing one of these shirts. People talk about how the shirt will increase your success with the opposite sex, fill the empty void in your soul, raise the dead, transport you to another dimension to meet the Wolf God and many, many other incredible feats.

Here are some of my favorite reviews (Click the images to see them full size):

3 Wolf review 1
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