My 15 step plan for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie ApocalypseFirst of all, welcome to all the new readers who got here through StumbleUpon. Apparently someone recommended my McDonald’s commercials article from Tuesday and I got a flood of visitors “stumbling” onto my blog. So welcome new readers, hope you enjoy your stay and stick around to enjoy some AWESOME goodness. Today, I discuss, the Zombie Apocalypse.

It’s inevitable. There will be an apocalypse. The only question is, what kind? Will the computers become self-aware, rise up SkyNet-style and annihilate all humans? Will the robots we build all of a sudden get sick of being used to disarm bombs or fetch us a beer and rise up to take over the world? Maybe the mighty Leprechaun army will finally gather and surge against their overly tall oppressors who are constantly searching for their “pot ‘o gold”. Any of these scenarios are viable apocalypse situations. Another more popular situation involves the dead walking around feasting on living brain tissue. This one is known as the Zombie Apocalypse.

Every guy grows up knowing about these various apocalypse situations. Some believe more in the Computer Apocalypse, some put their money on the Robot Apocalypse. Now, I admit, on paper, the idea of living robots rising up against humanity or the undead walking the Earth eating brains sounds pretty bad ass but, in reality, the situation would be pretty horrifying. So, in preparation, many guys make their “Apocalypse Contingency Plan”. In the event of one of the aforementioned apocalypses actually happening, this “contingency plan” would allow you and your loved ones to survive the difficult coming months. So, as I’m a believer in World War Z (aka WWZ, aka Zombie Apocalypse), I thought I’d present to you my 15 step plan for surviving the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

Note: Early in our marriage, I let my wife in on this contingency plan. She laughed and mocked the idea of a zombie apocalypse. She is no longer a part of the contingency plan.

Danger Zombies

My Zombie Apocalypse Contingency Plan

1.  Determine that I am, in fact, in a Zombie Apocalypse.  If surrounded by zombies, the answer is…well, YES.  Otherwise, continue on your day as normal.
2.  Open “The Cubby Hole”.  That’s the small arms room I keep hidden in my closet like The Comedian from Watchmen.  Start shoving guns and ammo in all available pockets, waistbands, ankle holsters, teeth, etc.  Depending on neighborhood infection, I may need larger firearms.  Like flame throwers, rocket launchers and/or Apache helicopters.  Use weapons on hand and blast my way to the closest Wal-Mart gun department.
3.  Before leaving for Wal-Mart, find my wife.  Have Steph gather her most precious things and escape with me to the gun store. Laugh at her for doubting the coming of the Zombie Apocalypse.  Come to the conclusion she will only slow me down, so leave her to appease the new zombie overlords.  Head to gun store alone and arm myself to the f’n TEETH with all necessary and unnecessary firearms.  Maybe grab a few bags of Doritos for sustenance.
4.  It’s the zombie apocalypse, so my car is no longer cool enough to transport me.  I need to steal a different, more “bad ass” car.  Preferably with only like two seats in it. ’60s – ’70s muscle cars are preferred; Camaros, Shelby Mustangs, Torinos, etc.  Find one.  Steal it.  Kill owner if necessary, zombie or not.

Abandoned Warehouse

5.  Locate abandoned warehouse.  It’s the zombie apocalypse, so there should be plenty to choose from.  There should be an abandoned workshop within aforementioned abandoned warehouse.  Drive car into it.  Start attaching giant guns and metal spikes to stolen muscle car.  Make sure that AC/DC (or other appropriate heavy rock band) is playing in background.  Use a blow torch for something because hard rock and blow torch sparks are a bad ass image.  Some of the car’s “enhancements” need to be hidden within the car so I can use them at an appropriate moment later on, preferably with a cool line like, “Bottoms up, bitch!” or “How you like me now?!”.
6.  When the car is finished find a section of the abandoned warehouse with tall, wall-to-wall windows or giant glass doors.  Rev up engine and crash spectacularly out said windows into the street.  Continue blasting hard rock.

zombie_killing_car4

7.  Start driving in search of survivors.  To survive, My wife and I will need a rag tag group of people with several different types of personalities.  At least one of the group must be a chick.  And she may, or may not be hot.  And pregnant.  If she’s “with child”, get another chick who’s not.  I may need to steal another car or van to accommodate rag tag group of survivors.
8.  Find an abandoned mall or fast food joint in order to “hole up” as a headquarters.  At some point, we have to realize the only way out, is to fight our way out.
9.  Arguing and traveling in close quarters will obviously cause the hot chick to fall for me.  I will refuse because I am married until the time is right.  Once we realize that we have to fight our way out, tell my wife I love her for what may be the last time. I’ll finally have to give in to the female’s longing for my manliness.  We do it in the car, of course.
10.  In the middle of “sealing the deal”, our headquarters is attacked by the zombies, I have to use the car to blast my way out.  The car blasting through the mob of attacking zombies, guns blazing and half-naked chick in the passenger seat is so unbelievably awesome that it’s sad only zombies will get to admire it.

Zombie Walk 1

11. Continue erratically driving my way through hordes of the undead flipping them off, blasting my machine guns and yelling about sending all of you “sons ‘a bitches” back to Hell.
12. Find another hideout and setup an operation for hunting zombies. It sounds cool, plus, zombies are surprisingly easy to “hunt”.
13. Live off the land for the next few years. Become an urban legend. Pockets of survivors will talk about me in hushed whispers. I’ll randomly blaze out of nowhere and save people. Then when they try to thank me I’ll act surly and irritated that I had to save them in the first place. I’ll live like that for a few years, maybe I’ll begrudgingly take on an assistant. A dorky guy that’s good at electronics and building weapons. Maybe even a naive but sassy chick who’ll eventually fall for me and I’ll have to kill her because she does something stupid and gets turned into the undead. My assistant will have a similar fate.
14. I’ll hook up with a group that supposedly has a cure for the “zombie outbreak”. I’ll realize that the life I lead is lonely and unrewarding so I’ll sacrifice myself to save humanity.

World War Z

15. I’ll miraculously get saved at the last minute by someone who was supposed to have died a few years ago (either my assistant or the sassy chick). It’s also a possibility that the son I created in Step 9 will be the one to save me. This person will then actually die saving me. I’ll retire from zombie hunting and rebuild human civilization after the zombie antidote proves to work. The resulting kingdom will be called Paxtopia (trademark pending).

So, that’s it. It’s really just a rough outline of what I want to accomplish during World War Z. Obviously, I can’t have every contingency planned for. I’ll have to adjust as things are thrown at me. Maybe I don’t hook up with the “rag tag” group of survivors. As you see above, all they’ll do is drag me down like an anchor anyway, so I can do without that. No problem. And what if the survivor chick doesn’t fall for me? Well…I don’t honestly think I need to worry about that.  Imean, who wouldn’t want this *moves hand up and down body*. That’s gonna happen, trust me.

Have you made your contingency plans?

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15 Responses to “My 15 step plan for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. Your former freakin' neighbor Says:

    I went on a war history bender for a year: WWI, WWII, Vietnam, Korea, even Persia-Sparta (post-300-movie euphoria). On another trip to the bookstore for more war books, I found World War Z (some wise-ass put it in the Gulf War section). I have read it 3 times. Awesome book.

    I only note one flaw in your Zombie-pocalypse plan: While blasting metal and blowtorching sounds good, I don’t really see massive automobile modifications coming from you. It should be more Blade-like. You provide the unstoppable bad-ass-ness, while a grizzled and physically disabled old former mechanic/special forces soldier whose family was slaughtered by Zombies (and gave him the aformentioned physical disability, leaving him with brilliant revenge plans, but no way to carry them out) provides the weapons and mechanical knowledge. Your job will be to work on your abs, wear sunglasses and (depending on your preference) either 1) smoke constantly, while remaining in peak aerobic condition or 2) drink constantly, without it having any effect whatsoever on your fighting ability, aim or decision-making.

    Plus, the sassy chick will end up being the mechanic’s daughter, who we all thought was dead. You get to bang her after a very manly/fatherly low key fight between you and the mechanic over her being too innocent/young/nubile for you.

    Otherwise, solid plan.

  2. You totally nailed the one part of the plan I was considering changing. You are right, Mike, I would have trouble haphazardly attaching crap to the car. It would turn out barely drivable, much less killingly efficient.

    I will consider that the “Lehman Addendum” to my Contingency Plan.

    Thanks for keeping me honest.

  3. wow paxton, you sure are prepared for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. But I think the pregnant chick could cause unecessary complications. Just my opinion.
    And I also think your wifey would be furious that you left her behind to appease the zombie overlords, and in the end just when you think all is well, she finds you, jumps out at you yielding some type of large rifle or maybe even a blowtorch.

    • Oh wow, Naida, you pointed out another inherent flaw in my plan. I assumed my wife would be eaten by zombies. It is entirely possible that she shows up in the third act to exact revenge. Man, you guys are good. I’m going to have to re-think my strategies.

  4. Your former freakin' neighbor Says:

    Either that, or she get’s turned into a zombie, but still has that one kernel of Paxton-directed rage, leading her to catch up with you, just as you have defetaed the last of the zombies.

  5. Yes, I think Steph turns into a zombie and comes after you. However, when she comes in for the kill, at the very last second, she gets distracted by your awesomeness and the abs mentioned above, and she jumps you right then and there. The zombie curse is broken, she accepts that the sassy/hot chick is now part of the equation, and the three of you live happily (and hornily) ever after.

    • Damn, why didn’t I think of this? You guys are taking this to a whole new level. Reading you guys addendums to my contingency plan is more entertaining than when I actually wrote it. LOL!

  6. Jaco Wolf Says:

    Dont worry at the end there where you said someone will save you it will be me But I dont die because it would have to be a Nuclear apocalypse to kill me I just wanted you to know I will surely have your back

  7. Might be late to the party but had to comment as this was hilarious. Please ignore my moniker as well, I’m not after your brains, honest!

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  13. Hopefully all of the wives who mock and are then left behind don’t form an army behind a brilliant but jilted undead female mastermind.

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