Cavalcade of Awesome

Tomorrow, Dec 5, is Ninja Day, my friends. Time to break out the katana, sharpen it up and prepare for all the face and gut stabbing that’ll be required on this most glorious of days!!  It’s gonna be a gut/face stabbing extravaganza.  Are you prepared?

Since it’s Ninja Day Eve, I thought I’d go ahead and post this year’s ninja celebratory article today.  I get a lot of hits on my previous Ninja Day articles for mainly two reasons.  One, the articles are about BAD ASS ninjas (duh) and two, THEY ARE ABOUT BAD ASS NINJAS.  Seriously, check them out. This blog has been celebrating Ninja Day since 2006. And that is not going to stop on my watch.

I get plenty of comments about the copious amounts of ninja love on this blog.  I’m always asked “how can I, too, become a bad ass ninja like yourself?”.  Good question, but let’s make one thing clear; you can become a ninja, but that won’t make you bad ass like myself.  However, since this is a valid question I thought I’d impart to all my “ninja civilian” readers what makes a bad ass ninja.  What do ninjas do on a daily basis that make them so much more bad-ass awesome than a normal person?   You constantly have to work at being BAD ASS and a ninja.  Like P-Diddy said, “Mo BAD ASS, Mo Problems” (I’m paraphrasing).

So here are a few things that make a bad ass ninja (like myself), well, BAD ASS.

The first thing you should know, I can’t wake up to a regular alarm clock.  Regular alarm clocks are for normal people who aren’t bad ass ninjas. Awesome ninjas like myself need something more dangerous to get us out of bed and out the door.  Personally, I wake up to the attacks of a monkey in robotic battle armor that is trained to kill me (pic above).  Seriously, that monkey is literally trained to tear out my stomach and dance around with my entrails like he’s at some psychotic rave party.  To start my day, I must fight this Battle Monkey Alarm (BMA) in order to get out of the house. And believe you me, this monkey is trained well.  Our battles are like 3 hours long.  Not only does this get my blood pumping in the morning (and not just figuratively), it keeps my killing instincts sharp.  When the insides of my bedroom are covered in Battle Monkey’s gore and feces (even battle monkeys like throwing poo) I can then continue my morning with my next ritual, a hot cup ‘o joe.

Also, I like to randomly head butt people.  Literally, in the middle of a conversation, I thrust my head forward and plow the other person in the sniffer.  It’s a bad ass move that most ninjas need to know how to properly utilize and randomly head butting a stranger is great practice so you can do it at a moment’s notice.  How would a random head butt come in handy as a stealthy ninja move?  Well, the move is ideal for when you are in some douche’s evil lair, your hands are bound (in front or behind you) and said douche is totally giving you crap.  All up in your grill with attitude.  Just before the douche finishes his final douchey sentence, BAM!, head butt to the nose.  The move is totally hardcore and makes you look pretty awesome, even as the douche’s bodyguards inevitably start pummeling you into a bloody heap with their rifle butts.  But for that split second, that douche was OWNED.  Next, you have to wait for the bodyguards to make a mistake, hit one with the chair you’ve been tied to and break the other’s neck with your legs.  But those are moves to be discussed during the advanced bad ass ninja class.

You know, you won’t see a ninja driving to his next assassination in a Toyota Corolla. It’s hard to get some good killing done when you roll up in a Kia. That’s why, in my garage, I keep Robosaurus. There’s no beating the intimidation I get when my victim sees me, clad in ninja black rolling up to his house on the back of a fire breathing, robotic dinosaur that eats cars. HE EATS CARS!  Many times I don’t have to do any killing.  The pants crapping sight of Robosaurus munching down on my victim’s SUV and breathing a massive stream of fire through their front door to cook their house like we are at a Boy Scout jamboree is enough to stop their hearts and drop them where they stand.  And yes, it’s every bit as awesome as you think it would be.  If you have trouble locating a Robosaurus, then a giant jungle cat with battle armor will do.  Or a T-Rex covered in poison tipped spikes.  Or chainsaws.  Yeah, a T-Rex covered in dozens of chainsaws would be pretty BAD ASS.

As a ninja, you are gonna have to tear off your shirt at all possible opportunity. Sometimes shirts get torn perfectly off your body when you fight. However, if that doesn’t happen, you gotta rip it off. Ninjas don’t wear shirts when they fight. It’s against “the code”. The “Bad Ass” code.

Finally, something else you can do to hone your skills…fight a giant bear.  I mean a big bear.  Like 12 feet tall.  Stalk the bear through the woods for like a day.  Stay invisible.  Then, when the time is right, battle the bear for domination of the woods.  You may bring a steak knife as a weapon.  When you have defeated the bear, use the knife to cut the carcass into steaks and grill them for sustenance later because, remember, you are trapped in the damn woods.  Wear the dead bear’s skull on your head as a ceremonial hat to notify the other denizens of the woods that they better not mess with you.  You’ll F their S up.

These are just a few things you, as a ninja, can do to be completely BAD ASS.  But first, you must become ninja.  And that is the greatest test of all.

Happy Ninja Day Eve, everyone.  Come back tomorrow on the actual Ninja Day for a review of the movie, Ninja Assassin.

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This entry was posted on December 4, 2009 at 9:00 am and is filed under humor, Ninja Day, ninjas with tags humor, Ninja Day, ninjas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.