Making 7 Literary Classics More AWESOME

Bad Ass Book Report

I’m a reader. I love to read. And I sometimes enjoy reading classic literature. However, some of the old stuff is just flat out boring as balls.  I mean, have you actually read Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles, Frank Norris’ McTeague or anything by James Joyce?  Snoozeville.  Population…YOU.  I had to read those in high school and I needed to drink a case of Jolt Cola to get through just one chapter.

So, being the helpful guy that I am, I thought I’d take some boring classics you may have had to read in high school and college and make them better.  More AWESOME.  And easier to read.

So now, here are seven ways to make classic literature a lot more AWESOME. You are welcome, literature.

Don Corleone Quixote
Don Corleone Quixote – Old guard crime boss Don Corleone Quixote sets up shop in an old windmill with trusty right hand man Pancha.

Little Haunted House on the Prairie
Little Haunted House on the Prairie – A family is brutally murdered in their secluded old farm house.  Twenty years later, an unsuspecting couple purchases the old farm house looking for a serene retreat from their hectic lives only to find skin crawling terror and wheelbarrows of blood.

Grapes of Wrath of Khan
The Grapes of Wrath of Khan – The Joad family pick up a hitchhiker on their way to California.  Little do they know their new addition is a genetically enhanced super being from the future looking to overthrow and rule the human race.  Wackiness ensues.

Here are some books I previously made in this series.

Little Women Fight Club
Little Women Fight Club – The four March sisters join a traveling all-girls fight tournament and fight each other for the entertainment of men all over the country. It’s a stirring women empowering tale for all ages.

Fall of the House of Usher Raymond
The Fall of the House of Usher Raymond – It’s the future and Usher is the ruler of the world.  He has banned all music except his own.  The people rise up against Usher in a long, epic battle for the right to listen to good music.

Jane Eyre Assassin
Jane Eyre: Assassin – After her uncle’s mysterious death, Jane Eyre is sent to the secretive Lowood School.  It is here Jane is taught to become a government assassin.  She’s very good at it and follows every order that is given to her until she is finally given an assignment she feels she can’t take.

Moby Dick Bionic War
Moby Dick: Bionic War – After an epic and bloody battle with Ahab, Moby Dick washes up at the long lost city of Atlantis.  Altantean biologists nurse the near dead whale back to health and outfit him with advanced Atlantean bionic weaponry.  Moby Dick then sets out to settle an old score with the grizzled Ahab and to once and for all send the captain and his ship to the depths of a watery Hell.

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3 Responses to “Making 7 Literary Classics More AWESOME”

  1. These books make me want to get a degree in Literature.

  2. You crack me up. Lately Elle has been requesting Dick and Jane and Vampires. It was one of those that I meant to hide until she was a bit older but she doesn’t seem to be bothered by the vampire pictures. LOL!

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