17 Things I’ve learned about life from watching movies and TV

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My wife and I watch a lot of movies and TV shows. We love the s**t out of them. We try to see a movie at least every weekend and we have multiple shows we watch during the week. It’s hectic keeping up with that.

However, having watched all of these movies and TV shows, we have come to take away many deep and thoughtful life lessons. Things you can’t learn by living life, but by watching hours and hours of Hollywood entertainment.

So here are 17 things we’ve learned while watching all of these TV and movies.

Davy Jones
You will always have need of a celebrity (for a charity performance or prom) at the exact time that celebrity is in town for a concert or filming a movie/TV appearance. If you need to get in to see them, it’s very easy to sneak past or distract their security people because they are always completely ineffective. The celebrity will never get pissed that their security people suck and everyone keeps sneaking in to their hotel room.

Monica's Apt
Large, studio apartments (with or without wacky roommate[s]) are affordable even for the most meager of budgets. As are furnishings from Potterybarn or Crate and Barrel. College kids and people right out of college have immaculate decorating sense.

Jolie Wanted
If you are being held at gunpoint, start running away just as the shooter starts shooting and tip over a table/couch/chair to hide behind. The bullets won’t be able to hit you. Odds are the shooter is a terrible shot anyway, and will hit EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ROOM except for you. If you do get hit, don’t worry, bullet wounds apparently don’t hurt very much as no one cries out or whimpers with a bullet in them. You mainly shrug it off and wait for someone to bandage you up (heavy, stuttered breathing and sweating may be the only symptom that you have been shot). You may also have a sudden urge to tell your partner to “go on without you”, even with a non-fatal bullet to the shoulder.

Dirty_Harry
When you walk into a room and see the person you are trying to capture or shoot, call out their name or yell ‘Hey!’ or ‘Stop!’ first to give them a sporting chance to run. The element of surprise is overrated…and unfair.

Mr Miyagi
If you are being bullied at school, seek out the friendly, ethnic janitor or find your apartment building’s gardener or handyman. All of these eccentric, foreign, older men were actually master martial artists back in their homeland and gave up the fame and glory of being badass tournament fighters to live the dream of being a janitor/handyman here in America.

Defeat
You can defeat a master martial artist who has been studying for his entire life if you spend a few weeks/months learning to fight from the aforementioned janitor or handyman.

French man German man
People in countries other than America speak accented English amongst themselves. If they speak their native tongue, it will only be one word here or there to cover up an exclamation of shock, surprise or a profanity.

Betty White
People over 65 act in one of two ways; cranky old coot who doesn’t approve of what those young whipper snappers are doing or wild and crazy with the libido (and mouth) of a 20 year old.

timeclock
You can leave work, even in the middle of the day, and no one will notice.

MacLaren's Bar
It’s easy for you and your 5 or 6 friends to always get the table and/or seats right in the middle of the coffee shop/restaurant/club. Even during high traffic hours.

eiffel tower
When living or staying in Paris, you will always have a window that looks out on the Eiffel Tower. Similarly, when taking the Parisian subway, every destination takes you right next to the Eiffel Tower.

grocerybag1
Everyone buys the same thing at the grocery; leafy green lettuce and a long loaf of french bread that sticks out just so from the top of the bag. And all groceries use brown paper bags with no logos.

Barney Stinson
Everyone has that one friend/drinking buddy that does nothing but speak in funny/snarky one-liners. The friend has no shame and hits on anything that moves.

Ross and Rachel
If a guy’s best friend is a girl who’s secretly in love with him, the guy will not even notice her as a prospective girlfriend and only think of her as “one of the guys”. Oh, she will always be hot.

Ducky
If a girl’s best friend is a guy that’s secretly in love with her, the girl will not even notice him as a prospective boyfriend and only think of him as “a friend”. Oh, and he’s always kind of a dork.

parking spot
No matter where you are going, if you have to drive there, you will find a parking spot right in front. Even in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles.

CSI Miami
When criminal investigators get satellite or traffic cam photos that are taken from too far away so you can’t see any details, all they have to do is “enhance” the image by zooming in really close to see those details. See how it works here. If zooming in doesn’t work (extremely rare), they just “process” the image through their photo software to get back all these missing details. Once you can see a perp’s face or his license number, they just run it against their “database” to see who he is.

Want to read the followup to this article? Check out 15 MORE things I’ve learned about life from watching movies and TV here.

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151 Responses to “17 Things I’ve learned about life from watching movies and TV”

  1. Dude, I think this might be the best blog I’ve found through the “Freshly Pressed” page on WordPress so far. I have a backlog of blog archives I want to read and you’re going straight into it. Awesome.

  2. hideawaywithme Says:

    If only life was like the movies and televison shows.

  3. I agreed with impassionedplatypi.. awesome dude!!

  4. This is so true and hilarious . Thanks for making my morning a little more bearable.

  5. you forgot a couple….
    – Talk show hosts know EVERYTHING
    – All TV News is balanced and unbiased
    – Super hot women hang out in bars and coffee houses all the time. Take your pick
    – all married men are stupid and fat
    – all married women still look hot

    great post…..

  6. This is so true! As a screenwriter it can be difficult to get around taking the easy way out, which is what most shows do and most of what’s being made fun of.We don’t want to try and make the friends of How I Met Your Mother actually *look* for a table! It just saves time!

    And Cooper, that’s what I was going to say! The All Married Men are Fat/Married Women are Hot thing is a bad trend. I think it needs to go….

    Thanks for an awesome post!

  7. -A quirky high school science professor is so smart that he can invent a time machine using a coat hanger, an old toilet, a snakeskin belt, and a bottle of End Dust.
    -an average high school student can use aforementioned time machine to travel into the past and future and just be like, “Hey, I traveled to the future. Pretty cool, man.”
    -Any major impending disaster is always averted at the last possible second by some joe sixpack who gives is life to save the human race, or by a suburban dad who cheats death more times than a cat and lives to be a hero.
    -All dads will have to fill in for Santa Clause at one time or another, and all cute kids and adult daughters will have to deal with the initially sad fact that their dad isn’t crazy, but that he’s actually Santa Claus.
    -When teenagers find a frozen caveman in their backyard, their first thought is to dress him up and have him attend their high school so that they can be popular. Furthermore, nobody ever notices that there is something odd about the new hairy feral kid who keeps grunting and trying to eat people.
    -Every town, village and city is built atop the site of a horrific ancient massacre, ritual or burried space rock that is causing all the weird and scary things to occur in that town, village or city.
    -Whether they be presedential or mayoral, elections always come down to exactly one vote, and that final determining vote is usually cast by the most unlikely person who people least expect.

  8. miseryluvzcompany Says:

    This is the most Epic geniousness I’ve ever seen. You could be a cinema Guru, LawLxx.
    Thanks for this, you stole my boredum..xx

  9. Dude!!! After reading about how to make moroccan fish gumbo or some sh*t on “freshly pressed” – I stumbled across this blog. Absolutely brilliant mate! Made my day (doesn’t take much to make my day obviously!). Serious mate, very funny!

  10. The only thing I think you forgot, was that if you place your finger down the barrel of a gun, just at the point where the villain pulls the trigger, you won’t get hurt and the billain’s gun will explode injuring him badly.

  11. freakin hilarious. Just freaking hilarious. 🙂

  12. This made me feel soooo much better about my TV/Movie intake…all the things I have learned that I never knew I had learned….thank you Daniel-son….

  13. Great list. I liked your enlarge the photos part in dealing with crimes. I would add that all cases, no matter how complex, should be solved in 60 minutes (including commercial time).

  14. Christina Hildebrand Says:

    other thing I learned from the movies: everyone lives in nyc, la or anywhere in ca, or chicago. Other places, such as Houston, are basically country towns. (Houston is only as country as the barbecue places and the Houston livestock show and rodeo – other than that it is alot like new york)

    • Yeah, and since most tv shows have to work within tight budgetary and time constraints, a lot of scenes are filmed within driving distance of the big Los Angeles studios. This is why fictional towns in upstate NY always end up looking like contemporary California suburbs.

  15. thecoconutdiaries Says:

    You forgot to mention the token black person that usually is shot, dumped, eliminated, or treated as an afterthought. Seriously, how come NO ONE dated Lisa Turtle? Or Tootie. You really think Rachel didn’t pull a “Oh, no she d’nt” when Charlie came into the picture??

  16. What about G-rated swearing? I have learned my fair share of bowdlerization from a life spent in front of the boob tube. Like, if there are children and old ladies present, instead of calling somebody a “F***ing doucheasaurus,” or a “Titanic tit muncher,” I know it is better to call them a, “Wild racehead-ausaurus” or a, “Tightwad ‘tip’ muncher.” Of course there are a million ways to insert clean swear words over dirty ones based on the situational context. For instance, my latter example of changing ‘tit muncher’ to ‘tip muncher’ could work if the person who you are calling a tip muncher is a waiter or waitress or somebody who accepts gratuities. It is also important to mouth something else while you try to talk like a ventriloquist out of your weirdly contorted mouth as you are swearing like a character in a Disney movie. This lets the person who is being cussed at know that if it weren’t for all the kids and old women within earshot, you would be hurling more demeaning and embarrassing insults at him.

  17. My personal favorite is the perfectly staggered cars in downtown areas whenever a car chase ensues. How nice of everyone to leave a perfect pathway for high speed chases.

    • Yes! That is totally true. I might have to include that one on Part II. Perfectly spaced traffic. I just saw that one the other day on a TV show I was watching. Nice!

  18. -Whenever someone is defusing a time bomb, 5 minutes automatically becomes 17 1/2 minutes.
    -People who drive rarely ever watch the road but instead look at the person in the passenger seat who they are talking to.
    -you can survive a nuclear bomb blast as long as you have a 30 second running start (see Predator and the last Indiana Jones movie).

    Wow, I’m kinda getting the hang of this. I could go on all day.

  19. OMG that was so funny! Freakin’ hilarious. My personal fav: All of these eccentric, foreign, older men were actually master martial artists back in their homeland and gave up the fame and glory of being badass tournament fighters to live the dream of being a janitor/handyman here in America.

  20. Dr. Mike Says:

    -If you are a Republican/conservative politician, you are always going to be evil, greedy, stupid or a mixture of the three.
    -If you are a former sixties radical, you WILL have a beard and a graying ponytail, be idolized by your students and consistently win court cases that others find unwinnable, yet have an awful personality and several broken marriages.
    -If you are a cop, you will either be an obnoxious divorced drunk with a heart of gold or a violent racist on the take.
    -In a science fiction show, a robot will learn how to love (either that or a random power surge will turn the friendliest robot in to an unstoppable killing machine).

  21. Dr. Mike Says:

    One last one that I learned from watching Casino Royale:
    Even though your entire life seems to consist of drinking, gambling and screwing, you are still in good enough shape to win a fist fight against a trained killer after chasing him at sprinting speed through a town, up a crane, down through a building, into an armed compound and through another building.

  22. konniebritz Says:

    That’s so true! And about the same thing on German TV.

  23. Just the little boost I needed during my work day. Thanks!

  24. Hahahaha
    so trueee!!

  25. jcalanayan Says:

    This is hilarious and true and something that only a man would mention.

  26. jesspillay Says:

    What a great blog! And SO true! I love the way you write…your satirical tone is a hoot and makes for a very fun read. Thanks for sharing!

  27. Awesome post. Had great fun reading it!

  28. This is very, very funny. I’ve thought about these for some time, but you were the one destined to put it out there in the blogosphere. well done. I second one of the other commentators about the token black character getting killed in movies. There was even a joke about it in a movie starring David Duchovny I think. Can’t remember the name of it, though. Here’s two more to think about: all movie/TV cops are mavericks – it’s the law, and if the character has a British accent he’s a villain – fact.

  29. very good post, thanks for sharing

  30. vixstar1314 Says:

    it was a joy reading this blog..
    if only life is like movies then it wud be so much better…
    cool blog 😀

  31. momromp Says:

    Fantastic post and I really love your blog. I especially liked the “If zooming in doesn’t work (extremely rare), they just “process” the image through their photo software…” Hilarious.
    If I can add a few things I learned from TV and movies:
    – Private school kids are always entitled drug addicts.
    – Doctors always cheat on their spouses. Oh, and they’re always assholes.
    – Accountants are boring. Really, really boring.
    – If a character is a complete hayseed, he will most likely be from the midwest (quite often Ohio is the state of choice).

    Thanks for the laugh! Glad you were featured.

  32. Sad thing that there are no real-life zombies. Otherwise you could have added, “No matter how fast you run, the dumb walking zombie will always catch up with you.”

    Great post!

  33. great list! maybe it’ll make the people who make movies more original. Or maybe not. thanks!

  34. Very cute! I’ve always wanted photo software that “enhances” details the camera never picked up in the first place.
    I have to hold on to my belief that Mr. Miyagi can teach me to be a bad ass in a few weeks though…

  35. Loved every minute of it!

  36. LOL that happened to me… just one of the guys, which I personally liked at the time …

  37. Great list!

    When you do “part 2” of this, don’t forget to mention that:

    If you are a cop, and the “bad guy” you have been chasing has suddenly got you at gunpoint, no need to worry. He will not shoot or even try to get away until he has had a chance to thoroughly explain exactly how and why he committed the crimes you have been chasing him for. This should leave plenty of time for your wounded partner (who you left behind; you know, the one with the shoulder wound who said “just go on without me!”) to show up and shoot him in the nick of time.

    If that doesn’t happen, don’t worry. If you just taunt him a little bit and challenge his sense of masculinity, he will happily throw down his gun so you can duke it out “man to man.”

    ***One Word of caution****

    The above advice is only valid for cops, NOT spies or martial arts experts! Be warned that if you are a spy or Kung-Fu master and you taunt your arch-nemesis, he will throw down his gun and fight you, but it ain’t gonna be easy! Yes, I know that you just single-handedly overpowered 30 or 40 of his 300 pound henchmen; yes, I know that he is only a 140 pound French computer programmer with a false eye and asthma; but beware, this WILL be the toughest fight of the day for you!

  38. meredith Says:

    right on the money

  39. Love the post, many lessons learned

  40. Ha ha ha oh so true – or even the fact that it’s okay everyone dislikes the nerf, but it’s ok when you’re in danger because they are secretly cool as in “Weird Scxence” or “Family Matters” and in most teen movies where are the parents, they are mostly off getting drunk or not even shown at all – gotta love early 80’s movies!

  41. Wow! Really loved your post, I too watch a lot of movies and all your points stand so true.

  42. hurley3352 Says:

    This is awesome. No words. Just awesome.

    Because who doesn’t like to flip shit when they’re being shot at?

  43. Great post. it’s true.

  44. Kiran Ghadge Says:

    Nice observation. 😛
    keep it up..

  45. Haha! Hilarious. I really enjoyed this one. I read back a while too, you are one funny dude!

  46. […] Categories: Football and Life Tags: Battlefield: Bad Company 2, Floorball, TV You should read this it you haven’t. It is damn […]

  47. Fun fact: my alltime favourite actor? Gene Hackman! He’s just awesome portraying obnoxious bastards!

  48. Very nice blog..
    You have forgotten this:
    -Jews are always good and attractive, funny.
    -There is always a Bar mitzvah party full of jews with their hats on their heads.

  49. antondewantoro Says:

    I think you a bit too defending TV watching habbit. But, I really like your blog theme and the way you put photos on it.

  50. You make me laugh. Did someone mention where NOT to go when you are deathly ill? That would be the hospital. The doctors and nurses are way too busy having sex in the supply closet to tend to your need for a triple bypass.

  51. I have just created my blog account today and this is my first blog which I have read. You have so nicely written the details of TV shows and films it reminds me of the Indian TV shows which I have to watch almost everyday! It makes me sick watching the similar things just like which you have mentioned! Thanks for writing such a nice blog.

  52. Pretty damn funny, pretty damn true!

  53. Thank you — I love me some television and this made me laugh!

  54. If you’re a soldier fighting a war and you tell your fellow soldier that you plan to marry your girlfriend after the war is over, you’ll die in the next battle. Showing her photo to your fellow soldier will kill you as well.

  55. Perfect job! Entirely true! Why can our real world not be more like the movies? I guess we need to fire politicians and hire screen-writers. Cy Quick at sumpnado.wordpress.com

  56. There is always a sassy, carefree friend to cancel out the stuffy, law-abiding friend. Other than that, 100% nailed it.

  57. Don’t forget that no one ever has to hold someone’s head while they vomit after a night out with the girls or boys.

  58. mancastjosh Says:

    Hahahaha this was great, maybe i’ll mention it on my podcast. I’m sitting here trying to figure out why the chief of police always hates his number one cop.

    keep up the good stuff.

    – Josh

    • Yeah, that is a good one too that could be included in Part II. Maybe even that the Police Captain can fire or put anyone on suspension without pay IMMEDIATELY. No paperwork, no meetings with HR. DONE.

  59. Great post. And remember that I know Joe Namath personally and he always has dinner with us when he’s in town (Brady Bunch)

  60. ahahahahaha…. this is so funny!!!

  61. It is horrofying to realize how much you have to learn. Enlightenment is an inside job.

  62. Hahahaha awesome blog!!!! That is so true 🙂

  63. Hilarious hilarious hilarious. I miss TV!!! And I would kill to go to the movies! Keep up the good work!

  64. …Very funny and useful!

    😉

  65. This is classy stuff.

    It’s one of those posts you come across from time to time and you think to yourself: “Damn, why didn’t I think of that?”

    Brilliant.

  66. Haha, so true!

    Here’s one: The news is always on at the perfect moment, either because the character turned the t.v. on and it happened to be the news or because they were passing by an electronic store and the t.v. near the window had the news on.

  67. tangerinefab Says:

    Hysterical and true! Especially the grocery one… well especially them all, but I never noticed that before! Also, I agree with your first comment, best blog I’ve found off Freshly Pressed!

  68. Felt like commenting on reading, “to live the dream of being a janitor/handyman here in America”. According to the movie, that janitor had served your country’s army. What’s this – an exercise in negativity? A fact is that such janitors had something incredible to offer as well!

  69. Hahaha I’m so glad I came across this, it was so much fun to read!

  70. Haha your blog post is a huge hit, as it should be! We can all relate and everyone talks about this stuff. The “bad guys suck at shooting” thing is so true!

    And the dancing part that someone added in the comments! Hehe. Great idea!

  71. babaowly Says:

    Me and my spouse also watch movies. At first we watched just a lil while we eat n stuff but lately we found ourself watching more n more.. I really can’t explain it, we sit through the whole thing now lol..

    It’s such a nice lil fantasy world to plunge yourself in for hours n hours lol.. well also good things come out of it like relaxation and I get some new ideas for my art from time to time.. heh.

    Very nice informative blog by the way.. a pleasure to read. 🙂

    Regards,
    -Baba. ;o)

  72. ahan, thanks for sharing. most of the movie scenes are same. like the most of the people face in America lolz

  73. my first time on your blog and what a treat it was to visit!

  74. Very funny!

    Don’t forget that it doesn’t matter if you are not nice with your friends / cheat on them / occasionally steal their money. They will still hang out with you all the time.

  75. whatsnormality Says:

    you have sucessfully pointed out the one thing that drives me crazy every time it happens on a tv show or in a movie which is when the character walks into the room where the person they are trying to capture is standing and they yell “hey!” or “stop!” i literally want to throw the remote through the tv when that happens, 😛 this blog was very amusing, I got a pretty good laugh out of it, thumbs up 😀

    • Thanks, man. It totally drives me crazy, too. I guess other people notice a lot of the same stuff I do when watching movies.

      • whatsnormality Says:

        well mot a whole lot of them really occured to me until i read them in this post of yours, and its funny cause it makes me feel totally oblivious. : P btw, im a chick lol.

      • whatsnormality Says:

        also, would it be cool if i added a link to this post on my blog? its definately worthy of sharing.

      • That would be very cool if you did. Be my guest.

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  77. Randomtrickpony Says:

    So true!

  78. this is absolutely wonderful! i’m so glad it was on the freshly pressed page. so perfect.

  79. Hilarious and oh so true! And how about those lucky guys and gals who wake up in the morning looking fabulously photogenic when any normal person takes three coffees and a shower just to look human …

  80. hotmaggie27@yahoo.co.uk Says:

    Hahahah!

    Yay for Hollywood! Keep em comin’!

  81. […] 8, 2010 · Leave a Comment So I came across this blog post “17 Things I’ve learned about life from watching movies and TV“(good post, check it out). The blog post inspired me so much I’d like to do my own, […]

  82. mitchshin Says:

    Check out my blog about the 12 things I’ve learned from watching lesbian movies:
    http://ngarud.wordpress.com/2010/03/08/12-things-ive-learned-from-watching-lesbian-films/

    Cheers!

  83. GREAT observations. Love it!

  84. hi paxton, you should also learn that- in your dying seconds after a bloody gunfight you still have all the time in the world to tell about your secrets, your misgivings, apologize to people, reveal who is the mother of who, who killed who, or even open up your whole life starting from kindergarten as tears roll from your eyes and blood gushes from the mouth and nostrils. yes you can do that.

    and don’t you worry about those timed C4s that’s about to blow the whole tower down, some great guy will diffuse it at the very, very last second with a hairpin or something and you won’t hear a thing.

    and…put up a little background music in your life. so you’ll know what’s going to happen next.

  85. Ha, that’s hilarious. Much too true about the bullet wounds.

  86. Thank you so much, man! GREAT observations. Love it!

  87. man, i laughed out loud a couple of times reading your post, thanks for that!

    One thing I find hilarious on TV:
    goofy guys with an obvious lack of ambition (or care products) will always get the super hot girl. You will NEVER see the opposite, though. ’cause the nerdy girl will miraculously turn into a stunning beauty simply by letting her hair down and/or taking off those glasses. Duh!

    ;o)

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  89. Do guys who have hot girl pals and not want to sleep with them actually exist? I’ve known a few hot girls who were friends but i always at least thought about it. At least once.

  90. […] Cavalcade of Awesome All Pax. All Nude. All the Time. « 17 Things I’ve learned about life from watching movies and TV […]

  91. Alexandra Says:

    This is the first blog I ever read that was not about design that I actually read the whole thing. So true all of them. Where is that parking spot right up front anyway? 🙂

  92. great article, so much can be learned from watching movies and tv shows. Ducky!!!!

  93. I just wanted to take a moment and let you know that I’ve been enjoying reading your posts over the last few months. I have a blog of my own, and would love to switch links with you. If you’re interested just leave me a comment on my page or send me an e-mail with your details.

  94. This will be my first, all the way from Brisbane Australia. I like this stuff!
    Try this one: Two casually dressed guys get out of an unmarked car and brazenly walk through a police cordon and into a crime scene without being challenged or asked for I.D. Then they proceed to pick up random bits of evidence even though it’s out of their jurisdiction.

  95. […] My wife and I watch a lot of movies and TV shows. We love the s**t out of them. We try to see a movie at least every weekend and we have multiple shows we watch during the week. It's hectic keeping up with that. However, having watched all of these movies and TV shows, we have come to take away many deep and thoughtful life lessons. Things you can't learn by living life, but by watching hours and hours of Hollywood entertainment. So here are 17 t … Read More […]

  96. great post guys! There are a few that are actually true. such as:

    People in countries other than America speak accented English amongst themselves. If they speak their native tongue, it will only be one word here or there to cover up an exclamation of shock, surprise or a profanity.

    my step father does it all the time.

    all in all, i had a great time reading this post.

  97. Here’s one I didn’t see listed: Every car has a wire under the dash that you can pull, cut, twist together, and the motor will instantly start – even if it’s a broken-down piece of junk. 🙂

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