Cavalcade of Awesome

In March 2010, I posted a list of 17 things I learned about life while watching movies and TV shows.  It was extremely popular.  It got picked up by WordPress.com and posted on the front page.  It’s still one of my most popular articles.  So, I thought, why not write a sequel?

And here that sequel is.  15 more things I’ve learned about life while watching movies and television.

When fighting, before punching or delivering a kick, make sure your opponent is standing in front of some breakable object. A wooden wall or glass table or shelving, for example. That way if you miss striking your opponent, you’ll shatter/break the object behind which, while it doesn’t help you in the fight, looks badass.  Don’t worry, the object will shatter, not the bones in your hand.

When men take off a necklace, they don’t bother with the latch, they just tear it off. Probably because the latch is broken from the last time they yanked it off their neck.  When they give the necklace to a lady, she is able to fasten it around her neck despite it being torn off previously.

If you need to know something, turn on the TV. The channel will automatically be turned to the news and it will be showing the exact news story with the exact information you need. If a friend called to tell you to watch the news, no need to hurry to turn on the TV, the newscaster will repeat exactly what they just said before you turned it on.

All building ventilation systems, air ducts and vents are built big enough to accommodate the size and weight of one or more adults. It’s in the building code.

Land developers routinely build houses on top of ancient Indian burial grounds (or old murder sites, places of spiritual importance, etc).  However, the building of the houses don’t seem to upset the spirits, as the ghosts will not decide to violently manifest until after a new owner with a nice happy family has purchased it.

When ghosts and spirits start appearing in your new home you must at first refuse to acknowledge that they are ghosts (or spirits, or a poltergeist) even when it’s CLEARLY one of them (transparent figures appear and disappear, furniture and windows shake, disembodied voices, etc). After you’ve finally decided that you have a ghost you must constantly question the ghost’s motives despite the fact they’ve made it abundantly clear they want you out of the house using subtle tricks like writing “GET OUT” on the walls in blood.

If you are a black belt in Karate, a white guy with ninja training, a powerful mutant or wizard and you are being beaten up by your opponent or a group of bullies or henchman, you must allow them to almost completely kick your ass while saying, “I don’t want to hurt you” over and over again.  Only then can you “flip the switch” and wipe the floor with them by using your previously hidden badass ninja skillz/mutant power/immense magical skillz.

As a henchman, you must always believe that you are the toughest guy in the room. Even if multiple people tell you that the guy your are going after is a badass, you can’t believe them and will constantly try to “test” this other person who thinks they are a badass. You must constantly use phrases like “…let me take him, boss” and “you’re not so tough” right before you get your ass kicked or die.  Probably by the same guy you thought wasn’t so tough.

When participating in a high speed chase away from, or with, the police, traffic on the highway will be perfectly spaced and staggered so you can weave in and out without too much trouble.

If you find yourself standing with your hands bound behind your back, surrounded by henchmen and a criminal mastermind standing in front of you trying to tell you how “it’s over, I’ve won”, the best option for you is, right in the middle of the mastermind’s sentence, to head butt the guy right in the face. This will send the message that you don’t intend to cooperate. Plus head butts don’t hurt the one doing the head butting.

The biggest douche bag in your school will always be the local “best” at something (sports, martial arts, racing, musical instrument).  To defeat him you must beat him at his own game. Take 3-6 months and learn how to do “his thing”. Then challenge the douche on his own turf at that activity in front of everyone (preferably with some “title” at stake).  When you beat him, it will not only make you popular with everyone, it will award you the customary “I don’t like you but I respect what you’ve done” nod from your douche bag opponent.

Huge lumbering monsters (like aliens or dinosaurs) have the ability, despite their enormous size, to be completely silent.  You can look around all you want but you will not see or hear them until they walk through the trees slowly or bite/chomp down on the person right next to you.  Once that initial contact happens, they’ll make more noise than a 747 crashing into a fireworks factory.

The police department is in the habit of partnering cops who either hate each other, or are so completely different in personality that they will immediately hate each other.  However, after they’ve worked on their first big bust, they will have earned each others’ begrudging respect and become the best cops on the force.

As previously mentioned, the best cop(s) on the force always start out hating each other. They also completely ignore proper procedure and “bend” the law.  These “top cops” are always the ones to get the best busts despite the fact there are hundreds of other cops working in the same precinct. Also, the police captain will hate them even though it was the captain that partnered them and it’s the captain that keeps them together.

The police captain has the authority to immediately fire or suspend any officer without pay.  No paperwork, no meetings with HR, no exit interviews.  DONE.  He’ll usually only do it with his best cops during or after they’ve brought in the biggest bust of their lives.

This entry was posted on February 8, 2011 at 8:00 am and is filed under hollywood life lessons, humor, movies, pop culture, TV shows with tags hollywood life lessons, movies, pop culture, TV shows. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.