Line Rage: Waiting in line at Subway
So, I didn’t bring my lunch and I decide to go to Subway. If any of you have ever stood in line at a fast food place, you will understand the term LINE RAGE. Witness the phenomenon in action.
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I open the door, enter the Subway restaurant and quickly assess the line “situation”. Ahh, good, only 3 people in front of me this should go very quickly.
–10 minutes later
WTF is taking so long, lady? LETS. GO. Are you having a conversation with the “sandwich artist”? Are they your long lost relative? I DON’T F’N CARE! ORDER. YOUR. SANDWICH.
–5 more minutes later
Finally, I think this chick is wrapping up her order. It’s a good thing because I almost had to go “Michael Douglas in Falling Down” up in this place. How the hell does a veggie delight take so damn long to order? Anyway, this guy is up next. Hopefully he’s efficient and ready…..wait, oh crap. Dude has a bluetooth headset in his ear. He’s also wearing a button down shirt and khakis. NO! NO! NO! I may have an “office orderer” on my hands. Dude, DO NOT reach in your pocket and grab a list! He’s reaching in his pocket. Man, you better be pulling out your wallet or a picture of your grandmother because if you pull out a list of sandwiches I’m gonna be all over you like a fat kid on cake………………….He did it. He pulled out his list. I’m sorry my friend, but today is a good day to die.
–10 minutes later
Dude. How many people are in your office? You are watching a man die over here. And must you talk to someone on your headset and order your 35 sandwiches at the same time? I swear to God I am going to declare a blood feud against you, your family, and the guy you are talking to on your headset if you don’t WRAP. IT. UP.
–10 more minutes
I hate you, dude.
–10 more minutes
Haha! Finally! He’s done. Hopefully Dwight Schrute over there left the rest of us a few sandwiches. Okay lady in front of me, order away before I dry up and blow away in the breeze. Wait, ummmmmm….Did you just order a pizza? Last time I checked we are in a SUBWAY, not Pizza Hut. Try again.
*I look up at the Subway menu*
Wow. I didn’t know that. Subway serves pizza? Really? Why would you come to Subway to order a pizza? We are practically next door to a Pizza Hut. I mean, is there a specific thought process or decision tree that starts with “I Want Pizza” and ends with “Go to SUBWAY, bitches”? Pizza? Really?!
Okay, crazy pizza lady finished and it’s now showti–……..Pizza lady is also getting a sandwich in addition to her pizza. Nice. Thanks for the head’s up. By the way, I HATE YOU.
Wha—-??? Did she just ask what type of bread they have? What type of bread? At Subway? You knew about the Subway pizza, but you don’t know what type of bread Subway has for SANDWICHES? Do you order nothing BUT pizza when you come here, crazy pizza lady?! Am I in America? Did I fall asleep and am now dreaming? WTF?! Holy—she also asked what types of cheese they have. LOOK AT THE GIANT, COLORFUL SIGNS OF BREAD AND CHEESE ON THE GLASS IN FRONT OF YOU, CRAZY PIZZA LADY!!!
Sweetheart, if I had a gun, I would shoot you. Or me. Either way, this is going to end with one of our deaths if you don’t END THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW.
Ahh, she ordered a tuna sandwich. I got you, lady. You have been PEGGED. Target has been LOCKED. You are one of those people who, when asked what you had for lunch say, “I had a Subway” which gives the impression you had a healthy, veggie filled sandwich. But in actuality you had one of the least healthy offerings on the Subway menu (and a pizza…pizza!). Look at that tuna. LOOK AT IT. It’s SWIMMING in full calorie mayonnaise. There’s actually more mayo in there than tuna. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s butter and sugar in there also. You people come here, order Italian BMTs and tunas and wonder why you aren’t losing weight. IT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE AN IDIOT. NOW TAKE YOUR ARTERY CLOGGING SANDWICH AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!
Finally, it’s time for a real man to order. “I’d like a six inch turkey ham and swiss on wheat please.”
“Sir, we are out of turkey and wheat bread. Do you want one of our pizzas?”
***MIND BLOWS***
True story.
Cavalcade of Awesome 
September 3, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Really???? “Sir, we are out of turkey and wheat bread. Do you want one of our pizzas?”
Wow…..
September 4, 2009 at 8:45 am
I think it was the promotion for the week. You know, “We really gotta push these pizzas. No one is buying them”.
September 3, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Subway out of turkey and wheat bread???? That’s like McDonals being out of faux-meat-and-seaweed burgers. That’s like target being out of fashionable and inexpensive t-shirts. That’s like a car wash being out of tiny pine-tree-scented pine trees. That’s like a bank being out of money…. Oh wait, that happened recently, didn’t it?
BlueDouche should have offered to let crazy-Pizza lady and you go ahead, as he was the Office-ordering Asshead.
But I must quibble. Turkey on wheat, and you went to subway? Dude, the blandest, lamest sandwich ever and you are ready to fork over 5 Washingtons for it? Go for the BMT and feel smart because you knwo it stands for Brooklyn-Manhattan Transfer and has f*&^-all to do with sandwiches (and hum a few bars of Manhattan Transfer’s hit song “Boy fro New York City”). Order a teriyaki chicken sandwich like the good undercover ninja that you are. Mess with the artist and order a veggie delight with extra bacon.
Turkey on wheat….. lame.
September 4, 2009 at 8:48 am
It’s my standard, and it’s GOOD. I don’t get it all the time, lately I’ve been preferring Firehouse Subs Engineer (turkey and mushrooms). To change things up I’ll get a Chicken/Bacon. I just like turkey/ham/swiss sandwiches. I even make them myself when I’m packing a lunch. This week was peppered turkey and havarti on wheat. AWESOME.
September 3, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I’ve found your blog in some insane clicking trail, and this is funny. I lol’ed. an “office orderer”.
September 4, 2009 at 8:49 am
I’m glad you like it. I follow you on Twitter. Maybe you clicked over from there. Thanks for coming.
September 3, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I do have one question, why is the Obamamania thing a possibly related post?
September 4, 2009 at 8:44 am
You can thank WordPress for the “Possibly related posts”
September 3, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Also, while I like to fancy myself as a friendly guy, I must heariyl agree with the “JUST ORDER THE DAMN SANDWICH!!!!!”
There is nothing wrong with some chit chat, as long as it is WHILE THEY MAKE THE SANDWICH!. I wouldn’t care if I recently found out I was adopted and the sandwich artist is my long lost mother. Out of respect for the hungry, pressed-for-time office jockeys in line, I would order and ask my new mommy to come out and share my free-refilled fountain drink and baked Lays when she is on break.
I know this is a broad brush with which to paint, but I hate being in line behind old people. They always seem to be in the mood to shoot the breeze with the checkout people. I understand that they are just lloking for a little humen interaction, but I don’t care. Let me pay for my damn Zagnut and Diet Ultraviolet Mountain Dew and get on with my day!!!!!
September 3, 2009 at 4:20 pm
And baked chips are just wrong. People pretend to like them. Just like people pretend to like cottage cheese, plain ricecakes, and Michelob Ultra. They don’t They want full fat and salt chips, doughnuts and Dogfish 60-minute IPA, dammit!
September 8, 2009 at 11:58 am
My mom worked at Subway for awhile and she said the lines were horrible. Not to mention they were constantly running out of food because the manager never got enough stock. Didn’t know about the pizzas but not really something I’m going to run out and try…
June 6, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Huh, didn’t know Subway did pizza. Pizza subs, sure, but… well, I guess it makes sense in that light, but still. Never seen ’em around here.
And I’ve had days like this. Days like this when I’m on a 30 minute lunch, at that.
June 18, 2010 at 12:59 pm
I just threw out the worst so-called breakfast sandwich that I have ever wasted my money on.
Don’t waste your time with that one.
One little see thru piece of pressed ham.
I asked for chedder, which she said OK and then gave me some other obsure kind of cheese that sucked.
The fake eggs were oh so yummy yummy on dry flatbread that
was like chalk in my mouth.
Why did I even take time out to drive there?
At least an egg McMuffin is palatable. Thank God for that.
June 18, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Crazy. I’ve had the breakfast sandwiches at my local Subway, and they’ve been quite good. No worse than any other breakfast sandwich I’ve ever eaten, anyway.
Can’t speak for the flatbread, though, but I would suggest from the person serving that maybe this Subway franchise just sucks hard.