Line Rage: Waiting in line at Subway
So, I didn’t bring my lunch and I decide to go to Subway. If any of you have ever stood in line at a fast food place, you will understand the term LINE RAGE. Witness the phenomenon in action.
I open the door, enter the Subway restaurant and quickly assess the line “situation”. Ahh, good, only 3 people in front of me this should go very quickly.
–10 minutes later
WTF is taking so long, lady? LETS. GO. Are you having a conversation with the “sandwich artist”? Are they your long lost relative? I DON’T F’N CARE! ORDER. YOUR. SANDWICH.
–5 more minutes later
Finally, I think this chick is wrapping up her order. It’s a good thing because I almost had to go “Michael Douglas in Falling Down” up in this place. How the hell does a veggie delight take so damn long to order? Anyway, this guy is up next. Hopefully he’s efficient and ready…..wait, oh crap. Dude has a bluetooth headset in his ear. He’s also wearing a button down shirt and khakis. NO! NO! NO! I may have an “office orderer” on my hands. Dude, DO NOT reach in your pocket and grab a list! He’s reaching in his pocket. Man, you better be pulling out your wallet or a picture of your grandmother because if you pull out a list of sandwiches I’m gonna be all over you like a fat kid on cake………………….He did it. He pulled out his list. I’m sorry my friend, but today is a good day to die.
–10 minutes later
Dude. How many people are in your office? You are watching a man die over here. And must you talk to someone on your headset and order your 35 sandwiches at the same time? I swear to God I am going to declare a blood feud against you, your family, and the guy you are talking to on your headset if you don’t WRAP. IT. UP.
–10 more minutes
I hate you, dude.
–10 more minutes
Haha! Finally! He’s done. Hopefully Dwight Schrute over there left the rest of us a few sandwiches. Okay lady in front of me, order away before I dry up and blow away in the breeze. Wait, ummmmmm….Did you just order a pizza? Last time I checked we are in a SUBWAY, not Pizza Hut. Try again.
*I look up at the Subway menu*
Wow. I didn’t know that. Subway serves pizza? Really? Why would you come to Subway to order a pizza? We are practically next door to a Pizza Hut. I mean, is there a specific thought process or decision tree that starts with “I Want Pizza” and ends with “Go to SUBWAY, bitches”? Pizza? Really?!
Okay, crazy pizza lady finished and it’s now showti–……..Pizza lady is also getting a sandwich in addition to her pizza. Nice. Thanks for the head’s up. By the way, I HATE YOU.
Wha—-??? Did she just ask what type of bread they have? What type of bread? At Subway? You knew about the Subway pizza, but you don’t know what type of bread Subway has for SANDWICHES? Do you order nothing BUT pizza when you come here, crazy pizza lady?! Am I in America? Did I fall asleep and am now dreaming? WTF?! Holy—she also asked what types of cheese they have. LOOK AT THE GIANT, COLORFUL SIGNS OF BREAD AND CHEESE ON THE GLASS IN FRONT OF YOU, CRAZY PIZZA LADY!!!
Sweetheart, if I had a gun, I would shoot you. Or me. Either way, this is going to end with one of our deaths if you don’t END THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW.
Ahh, she ordered a tuna sandwich. I got you, lady. You have been PEGGED. Target has been LOCKED. You are one of those people who, when asked what you had for lunch say, “I had a Subway” which gives the impression you had a healthy, veggie filled sandwich. But in actuality you had one of the least healthy offerings on the Subway menu (and a pizza…pizza!). Look at that tuna. LOOK AT IT. It’s SWIMMING in full calorie mayonnaise. There’s actually more mayo in there than tuna. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s butter and sugar in there also. You people come here, order Italian BMTs and tunas and wonder why you aren’t losing weight. IT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE AN IDIOT. NOW TAKE YOUR ARTERY CLOGGING SANDWICH AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!
Finally, it’s time for a real man to order. “I’d like a six inch turkey ham and swiss on wheat please.”
“Sir, we are out of turkey and wheat bread. Do you want one of our pizzas?”