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Festival of the Tree

Posted in Christmas, holiday, humor, personal with tags Christmas, personal on December 13, 2006 by Paxton

Steph and I actually put up our tree last weekend. We didn’t decorate it, but we at least had it up. So, after a week of letting the tree sit in our den pretty much naked as the day I was born, Steph and I finally got around to decorating it last Sunday. I love Christmas. You will see that as the weeks go on. I’m sure there will be a few blog articles on Christmas crap you can only buy in stores during the holidays. I do not, however, enjoy decorating the tree. AT ALL. Let me walk you through the ‘comedy of horrors’ I like to call…The Festival of the Tree.

First, we put on the digital music channel, Sounds of the Season, so we can listen to Christmas music while we work. Then I start unwinding the lights. They’ve been in these RubberMaid tubs all year and apparently were formed into one gi-normous knot not even the Boy Scouts could untangle. After that mess is handled, Steph takes the lead and starts twirling the lights around separate branches moving around the tree in a clockwise motion. I continue de-tangling the herculean knot and passing her the strand of lights. We continue around the tree for what feels like an hour. All the while Steph is telling me to hand her lights faster, then slower, then I’m slacking and I need to start moving faster. Man, how long is this #$&@ strand of lights? And didn’t the music channel JUST play Feliz Navidad, or is it just me?

The Festival of the Tree has begun…

When the first strand is finally done, we plug in the lights to see if we missed any spots. Funny, the tree barely looks lit, WTF?! Maybe it’s because half the strand is not lighting up. GREAT, we just got these lights. So we gotta unwind the flippin’ lights and start again. FYI, if you value your marriage, plug in each strand before you string it. A Christmas tip from me to you.

So, we start again. Oh yes, people, I checked the strand this time. Daddy ain’t no fool. So, things are going good, for what feels like an hour and a half. WTF?! There is no way this strand is longer than the last strand. They are from the same box. Maybe doing the tree was a huge mistake today. Is that Feliz Navidad…AGAIN?! Does this digital music channel only have like 3 songs on its playlist?! COME ON!! Finally, the end of the strand. We plug it in to see the fruits of our labor. Crap in a hat. There’s a huge unlighted hole in the middle of the tree where Steph missed. I. WANT. TO. DIE. Maybe a glass of wine would help? Or a shotgun in my mouth?

So we unwind then begin again. By this point, Steph and I don’t even consider us to be married to each other. We are two strangers who hate each other decorating the same tree, that we also hate. Idle chit-chat is at a low point, which sucks because the digital music channel is playing Feliz Navidad for the 30th time. And this strand is taking longer than the last three strands combined. I’m dying inside, our cat Presley is in the corner weeping and we still haven’t finished stringing lights, much less putting on ornaments. We plug in the newest strand once it’s finally on and the tree is only lit like half way. WTF?! We’ve been at this for what feels like days and the tree is only half done?! That’s it, I’m prepared to call off Christmas and start celebrating Easter.

We are finally getting to the bottom and I keep thinking we are done. I tell Steph, “…one more strand” like twenty times. We keep putting on lights and the bottom never gets any closer. It’s like the tree is a giant optical illusion. We are going to keep stringing up lights until we either run out of lights or we die, whichever comes first, and I’m betting on the latter. We finally finish the tree with a grand total of like 7 strands of lights. Seven strands of lights. SEVEN. We bought this tree like 3 or 4 years ago. It’s fake. We don’t water it, it doesn’t grow. Explain to me why the number of strands it takes to light this ^&%$# tree goes up every year. The first year we had the tree I swear it only took 3 strands of lights. I’ve bought boxes of lights every year to put on the tree. Where do the lights go?! Is there some kind of Phantom Zone in our tree? Another dimension that sucks up lights, never to be seen again? Maybe this dimension is nothing but Christmas lights and orphaned socks from our washing machine.

Who knows, but the tree is finally lit and we get to start putting on the ornaments…queue Feliz Navidad…

Technorati Tags – christmas tree humor christmas holiday personal

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Fun With My Camera Phone…

Posted in camera phone, humor, personal, random, technology with tags humor, technology on December 1, 2006 by Paxton

Man, camera phones are the greatest. When I’m out and aboot during the day and I see something funny or strange, I can just quickly snap a pic of it to show people later. I’ve turned the sound off on the camera function so it doesn’t even make that tell-tale camera clicking sound when I take a pic. Perfect for crowded areas. I thought I’d show you guys a few of the pics I’ve taken this week during my adventures. All of the below pics were taken by me on my cell phone, which, by the way, is a Razr V3 (seen left), hopefully to be upgraded to the Samsung Blackjack this spring.

FYI…I play games on my phone, mostly Pocket Yahtzee, so when going to the bathroom with your phone, keep a good grip on it. My phone went diving into the toilet like Greg Louganis yesterday. It even bumped the side of the bowl like Greg. Luckily, it was pre-business, so clean up wasn’t messy (you’d be surprised the amount of people that asked).

Anywho…on to the pics!!

Holy crap, what the hell is this guy compensating for? Either this is Paul Bunyon’s sweet ride or the owner has the tiniest genitalia on the planet. And he parked it BACKWARDS. For a guy with such small genitalia, he’s got some ego.

I was at the Big Lots by my office during lunch and right next door was this Chinese grocery (pictured left). I love fun and different types of supermarkets and groceries so I thought I’d drop in. Maybe I’d find some cool Chinese energy drinks or sodas. I thought it would be fun. I was wrong. As soon as I stepped into the place, I knew I was wrong. First of all, the smell. It was unearthly. At first, it smelled like some old guy’s ass (not that I actually know what that smells like, but I can guess). The smell changed and morphed the longer I stayed in this unholy place. The smell was so bad, my entire olfactory system shut down. It was like Cherynobyl in my brain, a complete meltdown. My eyes were burning, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to cry. I walked around very quickly trying to catch my breath and I noticed I was the only “westerner” in there. Everyone else is Chinese, and old. Not just old, but ANCIENT. We are talking hieroglyphics old. So, now I’m scared. I’m afraid the Akuza (they are Japanese, I know) are going to jump out and turn me into Today’s Special. So I hightail it out of there. Walking out I noticed there was like one register open and the chick was doing her nails. So strange…yet wonderful. I will never set foot in this place again, but I will speak of it often.

Hogly Wogly?! Come on, dude. You can’t do any better than Hogly Wogly? How about Cowsy Wowsy? Birdsy Wirdsy? Piggly Wiggly….wait.

This is a public service announcement. If you are going to mix absinthe and lemonade, be prepared for the very real possibility of a cross dressing transvestite waking you up in the middle of the French Quarter without your pants on.

Or so I’ve been told.

DEAD. SEXY. You know it, and I know it.

It’s December already?! Can you believe it?! Time has FLOWN by. Holiday season is upon us. Have a great weekend everyone and get your Xmas shopping done.

Remember, I want a Samsung Blackjack.

Technorati Tags – random personal camera phone chinese grocery humor absinthe

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My Name is Pax and I’ve Lost All Feeling in my Legs…

Posted in exercise, humor, personal, random, spin class, Thanksgiving with tags exercise, humor, personal, spinning on November 22, 2006 by Paxton

Well, it’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Everyone is prepping to wear their maternity pants tomorrow to stuff in the largest amount of food you can possibly eat in one sitting. Then, a few hours later, create leftovers and do it again. It’s a ritual, and I love it.

In preparation for the food orgy to come, I went to my first spin class last night. For those that don’t know what spin is, it’s a class at the local gym where two midgets wearing Gene Simmons’ spiked KISS boots jump up and down on your legs for an hour. No, I’m kidding that’s not what it is, but it feels like it. It’s like a bicycle sprint into Hell set to cheesy music. I’ve been running 3-4 miles every other day since February. I also do about 100 push ups every other day (on average). I thought I was in pretty good shape. It took maybe 10 minutes in the spin class to realize that I was mistaken.

Thanks to spin class, today, I’m a complete wreck. I am so sore. Everyone of my muscles is a useless slab of spent flesh. Sammy Sosa could come in here and start beating my legs with a baseball bat and I would just laugh at him. When I walk, I look like some kind of spasming, freak show. People throw coins at me when I walk by. I actually heard someone yell, “For the love of God, put it out of its misery!” when I was walking to the bathroom. Some people are so cruel.

Time to pop 6 Extra Strength Tylenols and make a visit to No Pain Town. Despite my grumbling, it was a great workout and I’ll most definitely do it again.

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

Technorati Tags – random personal exercise spin spin class Thanksgiving

My Compulsion to Collect

Posted in collecting, comic books, humor, personal, soda with tags collecting, comic books, Garbage Pail Kids, personal, soda on November 17, 2006 by Paxton

I have a weird compulsion to collect things. Nothing outlandish like naval lint, body parts or other people’s souls, but things more under the pop culture umbrella. I’ve tried to collect things since I was a little kid. I remember having a bottle/can collection in our garage when I was 8 or 9. I was made to throw it away because my parents thought it was just “taking up space”. What the hell does that mean anyway? Doesn’t the car take up space? Or the hundred pounds of crap I push under my bed when I clean up my room? That takes up space, too. Hey, what do I know, I was just the innocent child permanently scarred by my uncaring parents (I see an episode of Oprah in my future). After that I collected Garbage Pail Kids for a few years. Those were AWESOME. I collected them in 5th and 6th grade. I think I still have them at my dad’s, but they may have been thrown out because…that’s right…taking up space.

In seventh grade I started my first big collection; comic books. From seventh grade through twelfth grade my friend Steve and I collected comics hardcore. We frequented this comic shop in Hoover called Curious George Comics and Arcana. It was run by this guy who I think is crazy, but I KNOW is a dirty hippie. I have no idea if his name was in fact, George, but Steve and I called him Curious George anyway. Years after his store closed I saw him at the mall. He was working as a telemarketer (surprise, surprise) and he was wearing a suit and tie carrying a briefcase….and he worked as a telemarketer. That’s what I’m talking about. I still called him Curious George when I talked to him. What a wacko (him, not me). But I digress (I do that a lot), I still have my comic collection in my garage. I thumb through it every once in a while. Looking through my hundreds of comics takes me back to a simpler time, a time before I was married, with a mortgage, and a job, no cat and no car. Damn, it certainly WAS a simpler time, I didn’t have anything.

Comic collecting faded for the most part when I went to college. Partly because I didn’t have the time nor the room to do it (nor the money). The only thing I could say I collected in college was books. I frequented a used book store and bought a ton of used books very cheaply to read. That’s the closest I came to a collection until my last year at Auburn; 1997. That is the year I started collecting Star Wars. That particular collection would consume me from 1997 until the end of 2004. I realize this may label me as a dork, but I’m sure I was labeled that before some of you knew this (haha). Many of you had seen my Star Wars Room back when I lived in Birmingham. It was a spectacular site, but it is no more. I stopped actively collecting Star Wars stuff when I moved to Jacksonville in Feb 2005.

So, what am I collecting now? Odds and ends. Kool aid packets and soda cans (stop laughing, that was serious). I enjoy finding oddball sodas you can’t find in a lot of places. I have old cans of Pepsi Free, Crystal Pepsi, Mountain Dew Pitch Black and New Coke. I have a can of Russian Pepsi Ice Cream and Taiwanese can of Pepsi Gold. Crazy ass things like that. It’s something to do. I’m weird, what can I say? I’m glad Steph married me when she did, I have her completely fooled (well, probably not). I’m also glad she puts up with it.

I’m a lucky man with a garage full of comic books and soda cans.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Technorati Tags – random personal collecting Pepsi Coca Cola comic books

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Decadence: Ice Cream Orgasms

Posted in food, Haagen Dazs, humor, ice cream, personal, Sticky Toffee Pudding with tags ice cream, personal, snacks on November 9, 2006 by Paxton

Sooooooooooo, even though today is Thursday, I am taking tomorrow off, so you bitches can SUCK IT, today is my Friday. I think I’ll spend today talking a little bit about indulgences. There are a few things my wife and I love to indulge in, ice cream being numero uno. Recently a flavor of Haagen Dazs was released that knocked a few of my planets out of orbit. It’s called Sticky Toffee Pudding.

Like I just told you in the first paragraph, the wife and I adore ice cream. If we could, we would adopt a little ice cream baby and care for him and love him like the real thing. The only problem is, we’d only last so long before his ice-creamy goodness would lure us into eating him and then we’d be labeled cannibals, which would force us to go on the run. Authorities and bounty hunters would chase after us Fugitive-style until a violent and bloody shootout at an old abandoned warehouse ends the entire ordeal. Gwyneth Paltrow and Anthony Michael Hall would portray us in the TV movie and……….wait, where was I….oh, ice cream. As far as flavors, Steph loves chocolate (the more you can cram into the container the better). Me, I gravitate towards regular vanilla and it’s variations (cherry vanilla, chocolate chip, etc).

Earlier this year, Steph and her mother saw a show on Food Network called Scoop which was a reality type show that had people developing the next great Haagen Dazs flavor. The winner turned out to be a British desert called Sticky Toffee Pudding. I was skeptical but Steph convinced me to try it. The verdict? Might be the best ice cream I’ve ever had. It’s tied with Graeter’s Chocolate Chip ice-cream at the top of my list of “Ice Creams to Kill Your Parents For” (Just kidding, Mom and Dad………or am I?). This stuff is phenomenal. If they had it, I’d buy it in giant tubs. I’d purchase extra refrigerators just to be able to hold the giant tubs of Sticky Toffee Pudding I’d buy. My wife said she would bathe in it. I use it as cologne and bathroom spackle. IT’S THAT GOOD. Try it, you’ll thank me. Pretty soon you’ll be frequenting dark alleys looking for your next STP fix.