Festival of the Tree

Steph and I actually put up our tree last weekend. We didn’t decorate it, but we at least had it up. So, after a week of letting the tree sit in our den pretty much naked as the day I was born, Steph and I finally got around to decorating it last Sunday. I love Christmas. You will see that as the weeks go on. I’m sure there will be a few blog articles on Christmas crap you can only buy in stores during the holidays. I do not, however, enjoy decorating the tree. AT ALL. Let me walk you through the ‘comedy of horrors’ I like to call…The Festival of the Tree.

First, we put on the digital music channel, Sounds of the Season, so we can listen to Christmas music while we work. Then I start unwinding the lights. They’ve been in these RubberMaid tubs all year and apparently were formed into one gi-normous knot not even the Boy Scouts could untangle. After that mess is handled, Steph takes the lead and starts twirling the lights around separate branches moving around the tree in a clockwise motion. I continue de-tangling the herculean knot and passing her the strand of lights. We continue around the tree for what feels like an hour. All the while Steph is telling me to hand her lights faster, then slower, then I’m slacking and I need to start moving faster. Man, how long is this #$&@ strand of lights? And didn’t the music channel JUST play Feliz Navidad, or is it just me?

The Festival of the Tree has begun…

When the first strand is finally done, we plug in the lights to see if we missed any spots. Funny, the tree barely looks lit, WTF?! Maybe it’s because half the strand is not lighting up. GREAT, we just got these lights. So we gotta unwind the flippin’ lights and start again. FYI, if you value your marriage, plug in each strand before you string it. A Christmas tip from me to you.

So, we start again. Oh yes, people, I checked the strand this time. Daddy ain’t no fool. So, things are going good, for what feels like an hour and a half. WTF?! There is no way this strand is longer than the last strand. They are from the same box. Maybe doing the tree was a huge mistake today. Is that Feliz Navidad…AGAIN?! Does this digital music channel only have like 3 songs on its playlist?! COME ON!! Finally, the end of the strand. We plug it in to see the fruits of our labor. Crap in a hat. There’s a huge unlighted hole in the middle of the tree where Steph missed. I. WANT. TO. DIE. Maybe a glass of wine would help? Or a shotgun in my mouth?

So we unwind then begin again. By this point, Steph and I don’t even consider us to be married to each other. We are two strangers who hate each other decorating the same tree, that we also hate. Idle chit-chat is at a low point, which sucks because the digital music channel is playing Feliz Navidad for the 30th time. And this strand is taking longer than the last three strands combined. I’m dying inside, our cat Presley is in the corner weeping and we still haven’t finished stringing lights, much less putting on ornaments. We plug in the newest strand once it’s finally on and the tree is only lit like half way. WTF?! We’ve been at this for what feels like days and the tree is only half done?! That’s it, I’m prepared to call off Christmas and start celebrating Easter.

We are finally getting to the bottom and I keep thinking we are done. I tell Steph, “…one more strand” like twenty times. We keep putting on lights and the bottom never gets any closer. It’s like the tree is a giant optical illusion. We are going to keep stringing up lights until we either run out of lights or we die, whichever comes first, and I’m betting on the latter. We finally finish the tree with a grand total of like 7 strands of lights. Seven strands of lights. SEVEN. We bought this tree like 3 or 4 years ago. It’s fake. We don’t water it, it doesn’t grow. Explain to me why the number of strands it takes to light this ^&%$# tree goes up every year. The first year we had the tree I swear it only took 3 strands of lights. I’ve bought boxes of lights every year to put on the tree. Where do the lights go?! Is there some kind of Phantom Zone in our tree? Another dimension that sucks up lights, never to be seen again? Maybe this dimension is nothing but Christmas lights and orphaned socks from our washing machine.

Who knows, but the tree is finally lit and we get to start putting on the ornaments…queue Feliz Navidad…

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4 Responses to “Festival of the Tree”

  1. […] that teeth beats no teeth every time. I still hear this song in my sleep from when Steph and I put up our Christmas tree lights this year. 2. Little Drummer Boy (David Bowie/Bing Crosby) – See this awful, awful video here. Why […]

  2. […] songs of all time as decided by me and me alone.  A definitive list, you know. Article 2:  Festival of the Tree – This article describes the annual occurance of my wife and I putting together and stringing the […]

  3. […]  And there are some songs you start out hating that you wind up enjoying. If you read my article, Festival of the Tree, you’ll see not only the argument that Steph and I have every year about stringing the tree […]

  4. Pax, I feel your pain. A year or two ago, I said, “F*** it; I’m just going to put the netting lights for bushes on my indoor tree.” Best decision I ever made. There might be a few overlapping spots, but I can get the lights on the tree – SOLO – in about 30 minutes.

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