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My iPhone can now kill hookers, travel through time

Posted in Apple, cell phones, humor, iPhone, pop culture, technology with tags Apple, humor, iPhone, technology on September 12, 2008 by Paxton

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “If Pax writes any more about his stupid iPhone I’m going to cut him with the prison shank I keep in my bathroom toilet.” Well, maybe you’re not thinking of that specifically, because, as my wife just informed me, not everyone has a prison shank hidden in their toilet tank (which is crazy, because you should have one. Seriously). All physical threats of violence to the side, I am in fact going to talk about my supremely awesome iPhone again. If you got a got a problem with it, you can meet me on the corner of Shut and The Hell Up. I’ll be the guy stabbing people with a wet prison shank named Skip. Yes, his name is Skip. He likes action movies, listening to AC/DC, and shanking people in the gut. Come up, say hi and he’ll shank you in the gut.

For those that don’t want to die, I thought I’d talk a little bit about applications you can download for your iPhone. Ever since Apple let third party developers design mini-applications (aka apps) for the iPhone that get distributed on iTunes, many cool and interesting games and productivity apps have shown up. As good as these apps are, they don’t cover every circumstance you find yourself in. What if some A-hole cuts you off in traffic and giving the guy “the finger” just won’t cut it? Or what if the hooker you are seeing threatens to go to your wife? The iPhone can’t help you in either situation, bro. However, I’ve designed a few apps that may give you the upper hand should you find yourself in one of the above “less than ideal” situations.

If you thought the iPhone was awesome before, my new “Cavalcade of Awesome” apps make the iPhone so ridiculously kick-ass it may bend the fabric of reality itself. You could be talking on your iPhone, set off one of my apps, then find yourself in another dimension. My stuff is that good. Be careful though, I was testing some of my applications and next thing I know I was in a battle arena on Cylus 3 facing the nose tusk of a Snaarlak beast. Let me tell you, a Snaarlak beast makes a Chnultha serpent look like a baby Greeb. My situation escalated quickly and I had to use the Cavalcade of Awesome apps to their full extent. I’m lucky to be typing this article today.

So let’s take a look at a few of my new apps.

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I got an iPhone 3G — I just became even more awesome

Posted in Apple, iPhone, personal, pop culture, reviews, technology with tags Apple, humor, iPhone, technology on August 18, 2008 by Paxton

That’s right, people. AT&T finally acquiesced and gave me my birthright; the iPhone 3G! I wrote about my personal comedy of errors trying to get an iPhone 3G last month, but all of that is now moot. I have the small piece of electronic Valhalla right here in my sweaty, awesome little hands. And let me tell you, this thing is AWESOME. You know me, you know I don’t own, consort with or marry anything that isn’t just flat out awesome. It’s just how I live my life. I’ve dedicated myself to all things awesome, and this little phone may be the most awesome thing I have ever seen and I don’t throw around hyperbole like that every day (well, actually, I do, but this time it’s for reals).

I’ve had MONTHS to build up my anticipation for this phone. I was given money on my birthday way back in May (nearly 3 months ago!) to buy this thing and I’ve been obstructed in my purchase every step of the way. The first obstruction was that Apple took most iPhones off the shelves in May in preparation for the release of iPhone 3G. Next, the release date was set for July 11. I went in to my local AT&T store ready to upgrade and found out that my current plan wouldn’t let me upgrade until August 9. You should remember this graphic:

It was agonizing waiting until August 9th. However, on the day of August 9th, I was in Columbus, OH, so I couldn’t really order it then (there was a 7 day wait). I didn’t get back to Jax until late on Sunday and AT&T was closed an hour before I could get there (closed at 6pm on a Sunday?! WTF, are they a bank?!). It was like some higher power didn’t want me to have an iPhone, something I’ve come to believe is my destiny. Why, you ask, would a higher power not want me to have an iPhone? It’s not hard to figure out. The iPhone is super-awesome. No one denies that. I myself am also super-awesome. Who can refute that? It’s like the iPhone is an electronic version of myself (We are both awesome and very portable). The combination of our mutal awesomeness might be too much for the fabric of the space-time continuum and send the entire universe into a backspin leading to the destruction of all mankind (this is just a theory, mind you). So despite all of these odds against me, I perservered and got my iPhone 3G. You know, the Lifetime network should contact me about making my experience getting an iPhone a movie of the week. It’s pretty damn inspiring.

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(Un)Happy iPhone Friday + Pepsi Blue Hawaii!!

Posted in Apple, iPhone, Pepsi, pop culture, reviews, soda, technology with tags Apple, iPhone, Japan, Pepsi, soda, sodapalooza, technology on July 11, 2008 by Paxton

Just over a year ago I wrote an article discussing the release of iPhone version UNO plus two crazy Japanese items; Pepsi Ice Cucumber and Garlic Seafood Pringles. In what I believed to be a fortuitous situation, today I was supposed to acquire the newest version of the iPhone to go along with the new Pepsi summer release in Japan, Pepsi Blue Hawaii. It was going to be glorious. I could shadow that article from 6/29/2007 and review both of these items today. So I went to my local AT&T store to verify that the planets were all aligned (Pluto included, screw you scientists!!) and that AT&T was ready to toss me that touch-screen slab of AWESOME (aka iPhone) much like The Lady in the Lake did for Arthur and his Excalibur. Instead I found out that I can’t get the subsidized price, $299 for the 16Gb, until August 9th. If I want to get the iPhone today, I’d have to pay the full price, $499. $499 bucks?! Who am I, Rockefeller? So I have to wait 4 more weeks to be completed in body and soul. Until then, I have to look longingly at Engadget.com and try not to cry as it posts story after story of people buying the new iPhone 3G. Thanks a lot suits at AT&T and your stupid upgrade “rules”!!!

Anyway, while at the AT&T store the other night I took the opportunity to get my wife a new phone. She has been resisting this for months (nay, YEARS) because she loves her little phone she is currently using. I don’t know why. It’s an eyesore. It’s the cell phone equivalent of an abacus. It’s embarrassing to a tech/gadget guy like myself she carries this thing around. Seriously, this phone is so old it’s powered by a steam engine. You have to start it by turning a tiny crank on the side like one of those ancient farm tractors. Despite all of this and my constant badgering, she wouldn’t get rid of it. I mean, the thing didn’t even have a speakerphone. That’s right, NO SPEAKERPHONE!! I mean, what are we, in the Dark Ages?! She had some insane fascination with it. Well, this past weekend she flushed it down the toilet while at her uncle’s house in New Mexico. And to answer the question I always get, no, she wasn’t drunk (yet). Needless to say, this made me very happy. First thing through my mind? “YES!!!!!!” First thing I said to her? “Awwww, hunny, I’m sorry.” What surprises me about the “flushing incident” is that the phone itself didn’t get stuck in the hole, it actually went down the pipes. Her uncle is going to have a wicked plumbing bill soon. They even tried to call it to see if they could hear it ring. LOL…yes, they were actually calling the phone like it was lost in the couch cushions, not body surfing it’s way to the Rio Grande via Albuquerque’s metropolitan sewer system. I’m dying laughing thinking about it right now and I’ve heard the story three times. My wife, what a mess.

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Geek Porn: A Look at some awesome, awesome stuff

Posted in Bill Gates, cell phones, humor, Knight Rider, pop culture, technology with tags Bill Gates, Knight Rider, Microsoft, pop culture, technology on June 26, 2008 by Paxton

Ask my wife. I’m kind of a geek. My particular geek-ness leans toward movies and technology (computers, gadgets, etc). Everyone from friends to family to friends of family ask me to fix their computers. It’s my lot in life. But I embrace this. As a tech geek, during the day I surf many “geeky” websites that preview new technologies and gadgets months (and sometimes years) before they hit the market. The last few weeks has seen a flood of cool items, gadgets and other stuff that are just so mind numbingly awesome that it may melt your face just looking at them. Of course, I had to tell you guys, my readers, the 4 or 5 people that frequent this site.

So, if you enjoy seeing cool, geeky gadgets that no one else on the planet would buy, then continue ahead for several items that may just fill that void in your soul and make you whole once again in a way that your spouse or significant other never could (sorry, Steph, it’s true).

Knight Rider GPS – I don’t mean to completely blow out your retinas on the first geeky gadget, but how earth shattering is this little nugget of awesome? It’s a portable GPS device similar to a TomTom GO or Garmin Nuvi, but it’s branded with Knight Rider, including moving red lights on either side of the LCD screen. But that’s not the face melting part. Like the Garmin, this GPS has voice directions you can turn on and the voice sounds like…wait for it…wait for it…KITT!!!! Yes, they got William Daniels to record the voice for the GPS directions! When you first start the GPS it says…”Michael, where would you like to go today?” You can reprogram it to use your own name. SO. UNBELIEVABLY. AWESOME. Now I have to buy a 1982 Pontiac Trans Am, trick it out with a KITT conversion and then I’ll be able to cruise around with skin tight jeans, leather jacket, calculator watch and perm-mullet. Look out ladies!

Check out the product demo:

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Apple announces a new version of iPhone, Geeks everywhere wet themselves

Posted in Apple, iPhone, technology with tags Apple, iPhone, technology on June 9, 2008 by Paxton

Apple Computers Last year, at the end of June, Apple released a product that has done everything for everyone except cure cancer…and that may be just a hardware update away. That product was the iPhone. In my blog article that day, I mentioned that I would wait and let the early adopters ferret out the bugs and I’d consider getting one when they released version deux. I also mention that I drank cucumber soda and ate seafood flavored potato chips, but I want to focus on the iPhone part.

There turned out to not be as many problems as I originally thought there would be with the first version of iPhone. The main complaint against Apple’s phone was that it couldn’t ride the fastest AT&T cell network known as 3G, it could only use the slower EDGE (2.5G) network. This hampered one of the finer aspects of the phone, the full featured web browsing experience. Even with EDGE, the browsing experience with iPhone’s Safari browser was much better than on other phones. I use the Motorola Razr V3xx which comes with the Opera Mini browser. This is good, but not great. Once you start using the nice Safari browser on the iPhone, I guess the experience is so much like a regular desktop computer that it really becomes an issue because you want it to go faster but are hampered by the network.

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