I got an iPhone 3G — I just became even more awesome

That’s right, people. AT&T finally acquiesced and gave me my birthright; the iPhone 3G! I wrote about my personal comedy of errors trying to get an iPhone 3G last month, but all of that is now moot. I have the small piece of electronic Valhalla right here in my sweaty, awesome little hands. And let me tell you, this thing is AWESOME. You know me, you know I don’t own, consort with or marry anything that isn’t just flat out awesome. It’s just how I live my life. I’ve dedicated myself to all things awesome, and this little phone may be the most awesome thing I have ever seen and I don’t throw around hyperbole like that every day (well, actually, I do, but this time it’s for reals).

I’ve had MONTHS to build up my anticipation for this phone. I was given money on my birthday way back in May (nearly 3 months ago!) to buy this thing and I’ve been obstructed in my purchase every step of the way. The first obstruction was that Apple took most iPhones off the shelves in May in preparation for the release of iPhone 3G. Next, the release date was set for July 11. I went in to my local AT&T store ready to upgrade and found out that my current plan wouldn’t let me upgrade until August 9. You should remember this graphic:

It was agonizing waiting until August 9th. However, on the day of August 9th, I was in Columbus, OH, so I couldn’t really order it then (there was a 7 day wait). I didn’t get back to Jax until late on Sunday and AT&T was closed an hour before I could get there (closed at 6pm on a Sunday?!  WTF, are they a bank?!). It was like some higher power didn’t want me to have an iPhone, something I’ve come to believe is my destiny. Why, you ask, would a higher power not want me to have an iPhone? It’s not hard to figure out. The iPhone is super-awesome. No one denies that. I myself am also super-awesome.  Who can refute that?  It’s like the iPhone is an electronic version of myself (We are both awesome and very portable).  The combination of our mutal awesomeness might be too much for the fabric of the space-time continuum and send the entire universe into a backspin leading to the destruction of all mankind (this is just a theory, mind you).  So despite all of these odds against me, I perservered and got my iPhone 3G.  You know, the Lifetime network should contact me about making my experience getting an iPhone a movie of the week.  It’s pretty damn inspiring.

So, here’s the box right before opening it.  Man, even this box is cool.

Very cool embossed image of the iPhone is on the top.  The box looks like a mini-sarcophogus. Like my iPhone is the dead Pharoah of an ancient Egyptian peoples and they wanted to bury it in the style befitting royalty.  I hope someday I can be interred in a giant black box with the iPhone embossed on top.  Just opening the box was a ceremony in and of itself.  I swear, when the box was opened up, a breeze blew my hair back and I heard the 7 choirs of Angels sing Halle-freakin’-lujah!  Imagine the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis opened up the Arc (but without all the messy, face melting ghosts…FYI, figuratively, my face did melt).

Turning this on and playing with it the first time is like a child trying to learn how to use the potty for the first time.  It’s strange and a little bit scary, but once you get the hang of it, there’s nothing greater. One day playing with this thing is all it takes to fall in love. Stupid, sloppy, wet love.

If you are at all contemplating getting this but wonder if it’s worth the dough you gotta fork over, let me just say that I’d give my own soul for this phone. It is the greatest thing I have ever owned. The internet, the visual voicemail, the downloadable applications, the touch screen interface. All these features combine into one sexy, irresistable package that will drive you crazy. You’ll want to whisper sweet nothings into your iPhone. Gently stroke it’s glassy surface, whispering that everything will be okay. No one will ever come between the two of you because you’ll be together. Forever. And ever.

Or….something like that. Um. Yeah.

Soooooo, get an iPhone. Or don’t get one, and be less awesome. Your choice.

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6 Responses to “I got an iPhone 3G — I just became even more awesome”

  1. Aunt Terry Says:

    I love your writings. I think you should do this for a living. It cheers me up everytime I read your new stuff.

  2. Thanks, Ter. Glad you enjoy it. 🙂

  3. Mike Wiles Says:

    This article has been a reminder of the fact that I forgot how hard and how often we used to laugh at 20th Century Fox. You’ve been made an honorary member of both of my roving gangs –

    The Pit of Negativity which is a coed gang of consultants who gather occasionally to share their opinions in a non-professional sort of way

    and The Road Show – a males only conglomerate that can only be described as a Real-Time Stream of Consciousness Reality TV without the TV event.

  4. August 9, 1945 – The U.S. drops the atomic bomb on the city of Nagasaki, Japan.
    August 9, 2008 – Paxton Holley gets the iPhone 3G.

    Moments of equal greatness in recorded history? You’re goddamn right.

  5. Samuel — LOL…you totally called that one. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Haha

  6. […] I do. Life, ladies and the pursuit of being AWESOME!! That piece you did on getting the iPhone (click here) was LEGEND——–wait for it, wait for it Cavalcade: I’m waiting Barney: wait […]

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