My iPhone can now kill hookers, travel through time

Apple Old LogoI know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “If Pax writes any more about his stupid iPhone I’m going to cut him with the prison shank I keep in my bathroom toilet.” Well, maybe you’re not thinking of that specifically, because, as my wife just informed me, not everyone has a prison shank hidden in their toilet tank (which is crazy, because you should have one. Seriously). All physical threats of violence to the side, I am in fact going to talk about my supremely awesome iPhone again. If you got a got a problem with it, you can meet me on the corner of Shut and The Hell Up. I’ll be the guy stabbing people with a wet prison shank named Skip. Yes, his name is Skip. He likes action movies, listening to AC/DC, and shanking people in the gut. Come up, say hi and he’ll shank you in the gut.

For those that don’t want to die, I thought I’d talk a little bit about applications you can download for your iPhone.  Ever since Apple let third party developers design mini-applications (aka apps) for the iPhone that get distributed on iTunes, many cool and interesting games and productivity apps have shown up.  As good as these apps are, they don’t cover every circumstance you find yourself in.  What if some A-hole cuts you off in traffic and giving the guy “the finger” just won’t cut it?  Or what if the hooker you are seeing threatens to go to your wife?  The iPhone can’t help you in either situation, bro.  However, I’ve designed a few apps that may give you the upper hand should you find yourself in one of the above “less than ideal” situations.

If you thought the iPhone was awesome before,  my new “Cavalcade of Awesome” apps make the iPhone so ridiculously kick-ass it may bend the fabric of reality itself.  You could be talking on your iPhone, set off one of my apps, then find yourself in another dimension.  My stuff is that good.  Be careful though, I was testing some of my applications and next thing I know I was in a battle arena on Cylus 3 facing the nose tusk of a Snaarlak beast.  Let me tell you, a Snaarlak beast makes a Chnultha serpent look like a baby Greeb.  My situation escalated quickly and I had to use the Cavalcade of Awesome apps to their full extent.  I’m lucky to be typing this article today.

So let’s take a look at a few of my new apps.

My iPhone

Above you see a pic of my iPhone with some of my new apps installed. You can see all the standard icons like Settings and Text but you can also see icons for some of my new apps. Let’s take a look at them.

Dispense Wine – Found next to the Settings icon, this is essential.  Surprisingly, you are not always near a glass of wine.  I also created a beer version.  It’s especially helpful in bars or restaurants that are really busy and it takes for-freaking-EVER for your waiter/waitress to show up.  When you feel the detox shakes start, just click this icon and the nearest bartender will be alerted by wireless distress signal that you need alcohol now or someone is going to die.  This also helps when home with your family for the holidays.  Escape to the garage, click this icon and the nearest supermarket will deliver a case of some type of alcohol so you can return to the loving embrace of your insane family.

Taser a Douche – Douchebags.  You run into them everyday.  On the road, in the workplace, in the aisles of Wal-Mart and in the local bar.  If some douchebag tries to start something, whip out your iPhone and click the icon.  You’ll light his douchey ass up like a Christmas tree and can walk away to the cheers of the surrounding patrons.  You rock.

KILL – The KILL app has two settings.  The first setting is a “death ray”.  Using the latest digital Death-O-Rama laser technologies, you can vaporize your boss, mother-in-law, ex-girlfriends, hookers or the Chinese with a single touch.  Be your own walking Death Star.  The second setting is “prison shank” (interesting how often the phrase ‘prison shank’ comes up in this article).  It’s for you old school analog types that think the “death ray” is for cowards.  Click the icon and a 3 foot shank shoots out the front so you can just start stabbing as if you were in the showers at Riker’s trying to avoid getting gang-raped.  Just make sure you point the top of the iPhone AWAY from you otherwise you’ll shank yourself in the gut (which means Skip won’t have to).  And that never ends well.

Pleasure the Ladies – Obviously this isn’t for me as I have no problems with “the ladies”.  Guys, if you want to truly satisfy your lady friend, then click the icon for this app and leave the room for an hour our so.  When you return she will be completely satisfied.  How it works is, when you click this app, your phone will call my phone and leave an urgent message that a lady needs satisfying.  I’ll show up, “do my thang”, then sneak out the window or something.  Works for you, everytime, guaranteed.

Gimme $1000 – This one may be a bit misleading.  You may think it will give you 1000 bucks every time you click the icon, however I wrote it, so the “me” this app is talking about is, in fact, me…Pax.  So clicking this icon gives me $1000 of your money.  Trust me, I’m awesome, so I’m worth it.  This app will allow me the financial freedom to continue developing these awesome apps, writing my awesome blog and pleasuring your ladies without the hinderance of having to go to a job everyday.  It’s something you want to do for me, seriously.  You – $1000 = Me + $1000.  You can’t argue with math.

Time Travel – You ever wanted to go back in time and change something you did?  Now you can.  Did you accidentally loan a buddy some money you wish you hadn’t?  Now go back in time and kick your own butt before you loaned it.  You ever tell your girlfriend or wife her friend was hot?  Go back and slap yourself before hand.  There are endless possibilities.  Just be careful and don’t mess up the first meeting of your mom and dad.  That happened to this guy I know, Marty, it was a friggin’ mess you don’t want to deal with.  Trust me.

Mute Wife – That’s right, I did it.  The Holy Grail.  I created a mute button for your wife/girlfriend.  Does your “better half” only enjoy talking to you during the game or movie instead of during the commercials?  Hit the MUTE button.  Is she yelling at you about replacing the toilet paper or putting down the lid when she could have replaced both 6 or 7 times over in the time and energy she took to yell at you?  MUTE button.  Is she talking about Grey’s Anatomy or Sex and the City AGAIN?  MUTE.  It works by putting a “cone of silence” around your significant other so she still hears herself yelling but you hear nothing.  Be careful though, the silence becomes intoxicating and you may not turn the “cone” off.  If you become used to this silence, when you inevitably have to turn the “cone” off, the sheer force of nagging may lead you to homicide.  *Not responsible for spouse-icide.

Another app I’m working on is what I call an AWESOME button.  It will randomly do something awesome whenever you press it.  Maybe it takes you to my blog, maybe it gives you a mullet or maybe it turns you into a killer robot.  There’s no telling what will happen.  The randomness keeps you on your toes.

So, there you go.  The Cavalcade of Awesome suite of iPhone apps.  They all have my personal AWESOME guarantee.  They should be up and ready for download and each one costs about $250, but they are worth it.  And don’t worry, if you give me $250 for an application and it doesn’t work or you don’t like it, I won’t refund a dime.  It’s a little lesson in humility.  Learn it well.

Have a good weekend.

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7 Responses to “My iPhone can now kill hookers, travel through time”

  1. Is Apple paying you for the publicity? If not, they should.

  2. Yes, yes they should. 🙂

  3. Gina Ancira Says:

    Any chance you can come up with some cool apps for an LG Hippo? The only cool thing about my relic is the awesome UNC color. I am so tired of playing Snow Boarding and Bowling in the bathroom, I actually pee faster just to get the hell out of there.

  4. Did you do a couple of lines of Hunter S Thompson’s ashes prior to writing this? Thanks for entertaining me today – it took me ten minutes to get through reading it.

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