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The Cavalcade’s review of Twilight: Eclipse

Posted in movies, reviews, Twilight, vampires with tags movies, reviews, Twilight, vampires on March 8, 2011 by Paxton

So, despite the fact I am constantly speaking out against this entire series, I continue to watch the movies. I’m committed at this point. For better or worse, I’m finishing the series. I originally spoke out about the books while I reviewed the first movie here. I watched and reviewed the second ridiculous movie, New Moon, here.

So after the debacle that was the second movie, I was actually excited to see the third movie because the trailer looked good. And what I mean by that is that I didn’t hate the trailer on sight. It looks like they decided to push the whole Bella/Edward nonsense to the back and focus on a new vampire who is creating a vampire army to take on the Cullens. It looked, well, if not good, then at least interesting. Let’s take a quick look at that trailer to freshen our memories and to give you the state my head was at when I watched this movie.

See, not too bad…considering what has come before. And I kept hearing from people that this is the best Twilight movie. However, now that I think about that, I’m not really sure how great a compliment that is. That’s like being the smartest guy in Special Ed. But there looks to be some good vampire vs werewolf action, Jacob has that great line about “…killing some vampires” and the new vampire army walking slowly out of the lake. Not bad, Twilight. Not bad.

Anyway, in light of this trailer, I recently convinced my wife to sit down with me and watch the third movie (she hated the first two). I’m going to try to keep my review spoiler free. Here we go.

F**K. THIS. MOVIE.

I hope that’s clear and concise enough to everyone involved in making and writing the movie. F**K. THIS. MOVIE. It’s terrible. That trailer up above? It’s the second trailer. I should have watched the first trailer. In a quick 1:40 trailer you get the best 10 minutes of the movie. The rest of the nearly 2 hours is taken up with Bella/Edward bullsh*t. The big Cullen vampires/Wolf Pack battle with the vampire army didn’t happen until like an hour and forty minutes in. Yeah, for AN HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES I had to watch the sappy EMO melodrama that is Bella with her ENORMOUS two front teeth and hipster Edward who looks like he never washes his hair. I actually hated this movie MORE than New Moon. It’s going to be really hard to sit down to watch Breaking Dawn. I just can’t take anymore Bella and Edward. Plus, Dakota Fanning and the Volturi only show up in 2 scenes. And no Michael Sheen. What’s the point?

So to the entire Twilight franchise, but especially this movie. F**K YOU and everything you’ve done to the lore and myth of the vampire.

Oh, my wife’s review was something like, “…the only part of the movie I liked was when Jacob took his shirt off.”

So there you go.

I’m going to watch the last movie (Or two, since I hear the fourth is supposed to be in two parts a la Harry Potter) but only out of stubborn obligation.

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Year End Book Report: The best books I read in 2010

Posted in books, reviews, Star Trek, Star Wars with tags Book Report, books, reviews, Star Trek, Star Wars, Year End Books on January 19, 2011 by Paxton

Okay, time to “wrap up” my end-of-the-year “wrap up”. Last week I posted my annual Movie Board articles featuring the best and worst movies of 2010. I’ve been doing those lists since 2007. Starting last year, I added The Book Report reviewing all the best books I read throughout the year. Today is the 2010 Book Report.

During the year, I keep a Google Spreadsheet logging all the books I read. Here’s a screenshot and link to the spreadsheet.

Google Spreadsheet containing my book log.

The spreadsheet tells me I read 62 books this past year. That’s about 10 more books than the year before. I read a lot more graphic novels this year as opposed to last year which accounts for the increase in books. Those graphic novels can be read in an afternoon, so it pumps up my book totals. Plus I read several Young Adult books that took only a few days to read.

I also did a lot of re-reads this past year. I re-read 6 or 7 Star Wars novels I hadn’t read since the 90s. I also re-read the final Harry Potter book. Every once in a while I get in a kick of re-reading books I loved but haven’t read in years. After two or three years, you’d be surprised how much you forget about the story. It’s like reading the books again for the first time. But I will not include any books I re-read in this list. Only books I read in 2010 for the first time will be included.

Anyway, on to the list. Here’s the best books I read in 2010 in no particular order.

Jack West, Jr series by Matthew Reilly – I found the second book, Six Sacred Stones, in a box of books my buddy Dr Mike was getting rid of a year or two ago. I read the back and it sounded good, so I took it. Mike mentioned he thought there may be a book before it because he felt he was missing some of the story when he read it. I searched Paperbackswap.com and found out he was right. So I ordered the first book, Seven Deadly Wonders and read both books back to back. And I loved them. The story is very much part Indiana Jones, part Da Vinci Code and part National Treasure. The action is very fast paced. I had read two other Reilly books, Area 7 and The Contest, before this and they were equally as awesome. Reilly really can write fun action books. The story centers around Jack West Jr, an Australian military solider and his international and eclectic team who discover that a supernatural event will soon cause the end of the world and set out across the globe, uncovering clues to find out how to stop it. That’s a really high level explanation, but you get the idea. The third book in this series, Five Greatest Warriors, was just released in paperback on Dec 28. I read it last week. Unbelievable. I love each one of these books. The first one, Seven Deadly Wonders, is the best, followed closely by Six Sacred Stones and Five Greatest Warriors which are tied. Such good reads. I am concerned though. The final page in FGW actually says THE END. I don’t know why you’d start a series counting down from 7 and then not finish it because the story in Book 3 ends with no cliff hanger. However, Reilly has stated he has other ideas and if he continues Jack West’s story, it’ll count down to 1. I’m glad, because I adore these books and want more. I may have to continue Reilly’s other book series about a special forces soldier code named Scarecrow while I wait.

Demonata series by Darren Shan – I was recommended this series by my brother-in-law’s brother-in-law (brother-in-law once removed?) Anyway, he knew I liked Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak series so he told me to give this series a try. And I did. And it’s awesome. Very dark and sinister, Shan is building up a very interesting world of magic and demons. The story is kind of in depth and builds over the entire series so it’s tough to nail down a synopsis for you without ruining anything. But the world is dark and the demons are horrific. Know that so far I’ve read books 1 – 3 in this series and I plan on reading more. So far the series sits at 10 books.

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Movie Board: The worst movies I saw in 2010

Posted in movies, reviews with tags Academy Awards, Movie Board, movies, Oscars, reviews on January 13, 2011 by Paxton

So, on Tuesday I talked about my favorite movies of 2010. Now it’s time to take a look at the Movie Board and pick the worst movies I saw last year. Here’s a quick refresher of this year’s Movie Board:

My Movie Board 2010

You can see previous years’ Movie Boards here.

Now let’s see what movies I felt were a waste of my valuable time in 2010.

In no particular order.

Sex and the City 2 – Yes I saw this. My wife loved this show. She has the full box set of DVDs she watches nearly every summer. I watch the show every once in a while with her. It’s not awful. I can’t watch too much of it at once, but I don’t hate the show. It can be pretty amusing at times. I even went to see the first movie with her, and enjoyed it. So I expected at least some light humor and to be mildly entertained. Instead, I HATE THIS F***ING MOVIE. Hate it with all the fiery hatred in the bowels of Hell. They should have stopped at the last movie. The Samantha character is RIDICULOUS. At 60, they are still trying to make her the fiery sex bomb and it doesn’t work anymore. She looks old. And her antics are cringe inducing. The Carrie character, who was never my favorite anyway, is off the charts irritating in this one. Why anyone would go out with, or stay married to her is beyond me. This movie was worse than terrible. It was offensive. If there’s a part 3, I will not see it. But judging from the box office, there won’t be a part 3. So there is a God.

The American – F**k movie studio marketing departments. F**k. Them. They totally played this as a European Bourne Identity. However, it’s more like those old, slowly paced ’70s action movies everyone remembers loving but when they watch them now, realize how goddam boring they are. I think I was more pissed at the bait and switch than this being a bad movie. If I had known what I was in for and adjusted my expectations, I think I might have enjoyed this. I say MIGHT. It is a very European style movie with long boring shots, minimal dialogue and some nudity. I just went in expecting something completely different and I totally blame the marketing departments of the movie studio. They can suck it.

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Movie Board: My favorite movies of 2010

Posted in Academy Awards, Harry Potter, movies, reviews with tags Academy Awards, books, Harry Potter, Movie Board, movies, Oscars, reviews on January 11, 2011 by Paxton

Here we are again. It’s time for my annual encounter with The Movie Board. We’ve been through a lot, Movie Board, and it’s time to do it again. Let’s dance.

First off, let’s take a look at this year’s Movie Board.

My Movie Board 2010

According to it’s all-knowing whiteness I saw 52 movies this past year. Very close to last year in which I saw 53 movies. I was on a tear throughout the summer, way ahead of my pace for last year, but the pace slowed to a crawl in September with the birth of my son. However, I rallied and was able to get my movie viewing total back up over 50. Actually, the number of movies I saw was probably closer to 60 as I also saw movies like True Grit (the original), Death Trap and Harry Brown, but they were all released before 2010. And this list is for movies released within the calendar 2010 movie season.

Anyway, from this list I’ve culled my favorites. And here they are in no particular order.

Inception – Mind bending. Best way to describe this movie. Leo is great in this. I think I prefer this movie to Shutter Island. I’d definitely watch Inception again before watching Shutter Island. Sure, some of the dream mechanics are a little…ill defined. Sure, Ellen Page’s character actually going into the dream made little to no sense. But I enjoyed it all the same. Fun and interesting story, action and a cliff hanger ending that usually SERIOUSLY pisses me off but didn’t here. I love that rotating hallway fight sequence. So awesome.

Salt – I was blown away by this movie. It’s brutally AWESOME. The action is intense. I was not expecting the action and suspense in this movie to be as balls out awesome as it is. Angelina is great and Liev Shreiber is also great (as usual). So ridiculously good. It’s like a female Bourne Identity. I seriously think this is nearly as good as the first Bourne Identity (not the last one, the first one).

Harry Potter 7-1
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I – I have seen every one of these movie in the theater. And dammit if every one of these movies hasn’t gotten better and better. Prisoner of Azkaban is phenomenal, Goblet of Fire is pretty good, but then Order of Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince are nothing short of spectacular. And this movie just continues that awesomeness forward. However, many people I know have been saying they were disappointed with this one. I think it’s all expectations. This movie is much darker than any other of the movies. Plus, it covers the section of the book where Ron leaves and Harry and Hermione are running/searching for horcruxes alone. Many people thought that storyline was boring in the book but I loved it. It shows just how difficult a time they had and just how cut off from the rest of the wizarding world they really were. Makes what happens later mean more. I love this movie and I can’t wait to watch the next one. Oh, yeah, since this is a Part I, it sets up a lot of the story for Part II, which may throw people off also.

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I become a man by watching Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Posted in 80s, movies, ninjas, pop culture, reviews with tags movies, Ninja Day, ninjas, pop culture, reviews on December 8, 2010 by Paxton

Okay, Sunday was Ninja Day, and I’m extending that into Ninja Week here on the blog. On Monday I discussed in detail the reality rendering awesomeness that is 1983’s Revenge of the Ninja starring Sho Kosugi. Today, I want to discuss that movie’s followup, Ninja III: The Domination.

I want to say I saw this in the theater, but there’s no way my father would have let me see the R rated Ninja III when I was 10 years old. I must have rented it a few years later when I was renting Revenge of the Ninja over and over again from the local video store. How could I not? It was a ninja movie with Sho Kosugi and that hot chick from Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2. Also, this movie’s director, Sam Firstenberg, also directed Revenge of the Ninja. As a matter of fact, from 1983 to 1985 Firstenberg directed Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja III: The Domination, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo and American Ninja. I don’t know about you but that alone deserves some kind of lifetime achievement award or something. I have to ask why this guy isn’t a household name. Well, he followed up his Hall of Fame line up of 80s action movies with American Ninja 2: The Confrontation and Delta Force 3: The Killing Game which probably ended his career as quickly as a katana to the neck. But no one can take way those 4 awesome 80s movies. No one.

Anyway, this movie is completely fun, weird and absurd. So let’s take a look. I’m going to delve into the best aspects of this movie like I did Revenge of the Ninja because this movie deserves it. There’s a lot of zany 80s awesomeness going on in this movie. And I’ll be sure to point out all the gratuitous shots of Lucinda Dickey in skimpy clothes while sweatily dancing (happens more often than you think). So grab a seat and let’s do this.

Ninja 3 titles
And so the awesome begins. The opening sequence is the best. A Japanese dude walks into this hidden cave, dons a ninja suit and heads to a nearby golf course to wreck complete havok. It’s never explained why he attacked the golf course. He just does it. And it’s awesome.

Here’s the ninja stopping a golf cart by lifting the back wheels off the ground. He couldn’t let the attractive couple get away because he really needed to kill them.

bodyguard with gun ninja blowgun blowdart into gun gun explodes
A group of bodyguards show up because I guess one of the golfers is famous (no explanation). One of the bodyguards pulls a gun, but before he can fire, the ninja whips out a blowgun and shoots a dart directly into the gun barrel causing the gun to explode awesomely in the bodyguards face. This movie is so ninja.

Outrun a car
The ninja then outruns a cop car.

ninja trapped ninja smoke ninja disappears ninja underground
The ninja is caught by like 5 cops and they open fire riddling him with bullets. In the midst of the gunfire the ninja ignites a smoke bomb and disappears. The cops have no idea where he went so they all just decide to leave. Then the ninja pops up out of the dirt. He had dug himself under the ground like a mole proving once again that, yes, he is a badass ninja.

Ninja possession
While filled with bullet holes, the ninja crawls away and finds Lucinda Dickey as Christie, the hottest telephone repair person EVER. The ninja grabs her and does some ninja voodoo to put his spirit inside her (he wants to be IN her).