The Cavalcade’s review of Twilight: Eclipse

Twilight Eclipse

So, despite the fact I am constantly speaking out against this entire series, I continue to watch the movies. I’m committed at this point. For better or worse, I’m finishing the series. I originally spoke out about the books while I reviewed the first movie here. I watched and reviewed the second ridiculous movie, New Moon, here.

So after the debacle that was the second movie, I was actually excited to see the third movie because the trailer looked good. And what I mean by that is that I didn’t hate the trailer on sight. It looks like they decided to push the whole Bella/Edward nonsense to the back and focus on a new vampire who is creating a vampire army to take on the Cullens.  It looked, well, if not good, then at least interesting. Let’s take a quick look at that trailer to freshen our memories and to give you the state my head was at when I watched this movie.

See, not too bad…considering what has come before.  And I kept hearing from people that this is the best Twilight movie.  However, now that I think about that, I’m not really sure how great a compliment that is.  That’s like being the smartest guy in Special Ed.  But there looks to be some good vampire vs werewolf action, Jacob has that great line about “…killing some vampires” and the new vampire army walking slowly out of the lake.  Not bad, Twilight.  Not bad.

Anyway, in light of this trailer, I recently convinced my wife to sit down with me and watch the third movie (she hated the first two). I’m going to try to keep my review spoiler free.  Here we go.

F**K. THIS. MOVIE.

I hope that’s clear and concise enough to everyone involved in making and writing the movie.  F**K. THIS. MOVIE.  It’s terrible.  That trailer up above?  It’s the second trailer.  I should have watched the first trailer.  In a quick 1:40 trailer you get the best 10 minutes of the movie.  The rest of the nearly 2 hours is taken up with Bella/Edward bullsh*t.  The big Cullen vampires/Wolf Pack battle with the vampire army didn’t happen until like an hour and forty minutes in.  Yeah, for AN HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES I had to watch the sappy EMO melodrama that is Bella with her ENORMOUS two front teeth and hipster Edward who looks like he never washes his hair.  I actually hated this movie MORE than New Moon.  It’s going to be really hard to sit down to watch Breaking Dawn.  I just can’t take anymore Bella and Edward.  Plus, Dakota Fanning and the Volturi only show up in 2 scenes.  And no Michael Sheen.  What’s the point?

So to the entire Twilight franchise, but especially this movie.  F**K YOU and everything you’ve done to the lore and myth of the vampire.

Pattinson pissing on Lugosi's grave

Oh, my wife’s review was something like, “…the only part of the movie I liked was when Jacob took his shirt off.”

So there you go.

I’m going to watch the last movie (Or two, since I hear the fourth is supposed to be in two parts a la Harry Potter)  but only out of stubborn obligation.

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5 Responses to “The Cavalcade’s review of Twilight: Eclipse”

  1. I’m so glad you’re watching these so I don’t have to. That picture at the end is priceless!

  2. Dr. Mike Says:

    Once again, you have proven your heroic nature. Epic poems will be composed of the “Man who watched Twilight” and saved countless others hours of pain and degradation.

    Jesus, it was that bad? My god, I watched the first one and just kept fast forwarding through the slow parts. The movie, watched that way, takes 15 minutes. And it still sucked donkey balls.

    DId you feel like you needed to atone for the unbridled manly awesomeness of “Drive Angry”?

    And these people aren’t content to totally fuck up one genre. The world survived Tom Cruise as a fey Lestat, but to find out that the screenwriter for these shit movies is going to be writing the remake of Highlander makes my want to grab my Claymore and lop off some heads.

  3. Tell us how you reaaally feel Pax 😛
    I agree, the movies are cheesy. I must watch them though.

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