The Cavalcade of Awesome watches Twilight New Moon

Twilight New Moon

For regular readers, if you recall, I watched the first Twilight movie last March and was not a fan.

However, thinking back on it, as much as I hated what Stephanie Meyer and Twilight has done to vampires (and literature in general), there were things in the movie that I didn’t hate.  Vampire baseball being one of those.  The “evil” vampires being another.  But I did hate EVERYTHING about Bella and Edward.  EVERYTHING.  The dialogue, the look, the language, the way they acted with each other.  HATED IT.  It was a bad Harlequin romance novel, horrible dialogue and all, gussied up with non-threatening “vegetarian vampires”, a weak willed heroine and an angsty, emo pretty boy (who doesn’t wash his hair) as the anti-hero.

Harlequin Twilight book

So, being the pop culture guru that I am, I felt I needed to continue the series and watch Twilight: New Moon, the first sequel, especially if I’m going to continue talking about how much Twilight is ruining vampires for everyone.  So I got the movie from Netflix and my wife and I sat down to watch it this past Saturday.  Now, to be honest, I wasn’t exactly dreading it.  I was totally expecting not to like the movie, but I thought I could enjoy how completely ridiculous it’ll be and laugh the majority of it off.  Like watching Battlefield Earth after several shots of Jagermeister and Red Bull.  I was wrong.

This movie is so f’n bad that I am ashamed I even watched it.  I’m ashamed for the majority of the actors in the movie.  This movie makes the first Twilight look like Citizen Kane.  It almost makes Battlefield Earth look like Citizen Kane.  It is horrible in the same way that someone kicking a kitten is horrible.  And I don’t know if I should blame the director, writer, author, actors or just curse God for releasing this upon the Earth.

First of all, I was actually kind of excited to see werewolves get thrown into the mix.  The last movie was entirely too full of gay-ass vampires.  We needed some thing more awesome, like big bad ass wolves.  Well, there were werewolves in this movie.  And the wolves were big and bad ass, but look at the guys that turned into the wolves.

Twilight werewolves

Tell me this doesn’t look like the cast of the floor show at San Francisco’s popular nightclub, The Manhole. Are werewolves forbidden from wearing shirts, because these guys don’t wear shirts throughout the entire movie.  And why do they all have to wear jorts (jean shorts)?  These werewolves are less gay than the vampires in the movie, but that’s like saying Elton John is less gay than Liberace.  They are both still GAY.  I don’t feel like these guys want to wolf out and murder me, I feel like they want to give me a lap dance.  So now Stephanie Meyer is ruining werewolves.  Great.

How about the plot?  It’s hard to tell because the dialogue is so damn bad I wanted to stab myself in the eardrum with a rusty letter opener so I wouldn’t have to hear it.  The movie  starts off on Bella’s birthday.  She is nearly killed by one of the “nice” vampires, which I can understand cause Bella is irritating.  Then this red headed vampire, Victoria, returns and also wants to kill Bella (someone better succeed soon)  so Edward leaves “to protect her”.  And by “protect her” I can only assume he means “protect himself”.  There is a HORRIBLY contrived scene where Edward tells Bella he doesn’t want to be with her anymore and he just wants her to leave.  It’s f’n AWFUL and completely transparent what he’s doing so why Bella doesn’t get it is beyond me (DUMB).

So now Edward is out of Bella’s life and she sits in front of her window for like 4 months and doesn’t move.  Seriously, the movie shows her sitting in a chair staring out her bedroom window as title cards flash by; October, November, December…etc.  And it feels like the scene lasts for months.  Then, Bella starts going all Point Break on us and becomes an “adrenaline junkie” because she sees a smoky vision of Edward whenever she’s being “dangerous”.  I use quotes because the most dangerous thing she does is ride on a motorcycle really fast.  Oh, and jump off a rock ledge that everyone else in the movie jumps off of also….into the water.  Yeah, she’s EXTREME.

Bella Edward Jacob

Then, finally, we have some fairly nice and normal scenes between Bella and Jacob as they re-build two motorcycles together (well, Jacob does all the building while Bella sits there asking him stupid questions).  These scenes are slightly awkward but they are nice, too.  Then, Bella goes on a date with both Jacob and another guy, then Jacob is “revealed” as a werewolf, which is supposed to be a surprise in the movie but is anything but to the viewer.  From here on out we get ridiculous professions of love from Jacob to Bella and horrible, horrible scenes of Bella being all angsty about Edward and Jacob.  My thoughts?  Edward said he loves Bella and will protect her, but at the first sign of trouble he leaves.  Jacob also says he loves Bella and will protect her but he stands by his promise by fighting off one of his own werewolf brothers to protect Bella.  The choice is clear.  Werewolves are awesome and vampires are gay.

New Moon Volturi

So, the “gripping” conclusion involves Edward hearing second hand that Bella died.  How?  I don’t know, the movie says he only contacts his family every few months, so I’m not sure who told him.  Anyway he plans on revealing himself to humans and getting killed because he can’t live without her (except he’s been living without her for the past few months).  Bella finds out, travels all the way to some far off Italian city and gets there in a few hours.  JUST in time to stop Edward from showing himself to the townspeople.  Then we get a weird scene with the vampire high council, The Volturi, which includes Michael f’n Sheen and Dakota f’n Fanning.  Michael Sheen is a great actor but will appear in anything if you give him enough money.  He’s played a werewolf in the three Underworld movies, now he’s a vampire in the Twilight movies.  He’s the Ben Kingsley of angsty gothic romance.  And Dakota Fanning was a surprise.  I didn’t expect that.  Anyway, the whole scene is awkward and they allow Bella to live if the Cullens turn her into a vampire (which Bella wanted in the first place).

It all ends with Edward getting into a staring match with Jacob and then proposing to Bella.  Fade to black.

AWFUL.  Before this movie, I watched the trailer for the third movie, Eclipse, and I was actually excited because the trailer focused on a war between vampires and werewolves and it doesn’t focus on Bella and Edward.  However, after this movie, I’m now actually back to being pissed at how bad Twilight is.  The story makes no sense, the scenes between Bella and Edward are awkward and irritating because they have this ridiculously co-dependent relationship that isn’t romantic, it’s creepy.  And vampires are these pale creatures who wear tons of eye make up and aren’t threatening as much as they are queer.

Twilight Eclipse

Did I like anything?  Taylor Lautner as Jacob is mostly good especially when he’s bowing up against Edward and the scenes where he’s building Bella’s motorcycle.  I actually think he can do better than Bella so Jacob should just move on.  Let Edward deal with all her sh*t.  Seriously.  If we had to pick, my wife and I are Team Jacob, but we don’t want Jacob to end up with Bella because we think he’s better than her and she has WAY too much emotional baggage.  Edward and Bella deserve each other and I don’t mean that in the nice way.  I also liked Dakota Fanning even though she is almost wasted as she has very little to do.  Hopefully she has a bigger part in the next movie.

Obviously, I can’t recommend this.  Sorry I went on and on about a movie that sucks, but I just had to get this off my chest.  Watching this movie tainted my soul and I feel unclean in a way that even a Silkwood shower can’t undo.

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13 Responses to “The Cavalcade of Awesome watches Twilight New Moon”

  1. Dr. Mike Says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. Periodically I waver about watching one of these lovies. I ,like you, know that vampires and werewolves are badass. I also can scarcely believe that an entire book series centering on vampires CAN”T suck that bad (Even Ann RIce got it right with Vampire Lestat). This is despite the earlier post about Twilight, I occasionally weaken and think “This movie can’t be totally craplousy.”

    Then you come along and set me straight, taking one for the team as all brave warriors will. I commend you sir. Hope your birthday was awesome.

    • Ditto, Dr. Mike. Pax, I appreciate that you took one for the team twice. I look forward to your review of Eclipse because I sure won’t be watching it or any of these.

  2. Dr. Mike Says:

    and my lovies, I meant movies. I’m totally hetero.

  3. Dr. Mike Says:

    and by “my” I meant “by”. God, it is good I have a marketable skill, cuz I suck as a typist.

  4. Still laughing from “The choice is clear. Werewolves are awesome and vampires are gay.”

    I still get confused by the romantic angle of vampire lore. Sure I see the immortality thing for ever lasting love and all, but I can’t get past the creepy undead bloodsucking murders thing. That’s why I gravitate to nosferatu, the Lost Boys or Near Dark. I did read the first 4 Anne Rice vampire novels as a teenager, but then who didn’t?

  5. Mike-You are welcome. Months after watching the first Twilight I forgot how bad it was overall so I thought this may be not too bad, especially with werewolves. However, this movie was complete and utter ass.

    Shawn-Yeah, the whole “romantic vampire” sub-genre is completely out of control. Vampires are depicted as these troubled, Eurotrash bad boys and werewolves are always depicted as these brutish, morons.

    I read and enjoyed the first Interview with the Vampire book, but I couldn’t get past page 50 of Vampire Lestat. Rice is WAY too wordy. It was too much work to finish a page of reading and I didn’t feel the dense writing was moving the story along.

    • SHADOW- VIKI Says:

      Everyone misunderstood why edward leaves bella at the site of first trouble… He thinks that bella gets to meet troubles because he is with her… SINCE VAMPIRES CANT RESIST THE TASTE OF BLOOD… this is the reason y he leaves her… A SIGN OF TRUE LOVE.. LEAVING THE LOVED ONE BEHIND FOR THE SAKE OF HER PROTECTION FROM HIMSELF AND NOT FROM VICTORIA OR SOME OTHER PIECE OF CRAP because he thinks that victoria will come for him and not for Bella… understand this dudes because i know how it feels… am damn sure i will never miss any of the following twilight saga parts because i love it a lot …. to mention jacob he is doing his part for Bella because he wants Bella to be with him…. HEY PAXTON next time if you happen to see that movie try to watch with some emotions and not with the feeling of a huge gasoline can burning inside your stomach… k buddy… Sorry to mess with your feelings but i cant help it ….. no hard feelings bro… you know bro that BOOK WORM guy tends to like that film i think…. dunno how he feels .. though am new to you here is a piece of advice… WATCH TWILIGHT both parts with some joy and happiness in your heart and am damn sure you will defenitely love it. Feel how each character in the movie feels and you will get me… Bye buddy.. if you wish leave me a comment whatever you think after reading this …. I HAVE NO HARD FEELINGS FOR NO ONE, am a jovial type of guy.. 🙂 and you can call me VIKI

      • I will not watch that movie again because it was horrible. I’ll still watch Eclipse, but in the same way that I would stop and stare at a train wreck.

  6. Hmmmmm….I really enjoyed this movie Paxton 🙂 And I did enjoy your review, you do make some interesting points. The ‘jorts’ comment cracked me up! In the book, the wherewolves dont wear shirts because they are always hot and they get ripped off during the transformation 🙂 See? Theres a perfectly logical explanation for the lack of shirts.

    • You know, Naida, I know you love these things and I really did go in open minded. But I hated it. Maybe it does explain these things more in the books, the shirtless reason is good, but it doesn’t matter. The movie was terrible. To me. Sorry. I’ll still watch Eclipse, mainly because I thought the trailer looked good, but New Moon, again for me, was a HUGE step down.

      Even though there were several things I did like about it.

  7. Painfully bad, huh? My sister and I decided we’d drag our husbands to the Sunday early bird to get a good laugh (we all saw Twilight and it was bad, but bearable). NEVER again. Not even the insane amount of candy/popcorn/hot dogs we indulged in could have made the experience better. Not sure if I’ll see Eclipse or not but I will definitely watch sans hubby. And I heard yesterday that they’re going to make the fourth book into TWO movies. Bet Peter Jackson wishes he’d thought of the marketing potential if he’d broken up all the Lord of the Rings movies into smaller chunks. Seriously? Now my blood is all hot and bubbly…thanks. 😛

  8. Well, I do hope you review Eclipse if you watch it. It is good to go in with an open mind. p.s. Team Edward all the way

  9. I got tricked into watching the first one before I knew what they were about. The overacting by Bella and Edward was painful; their interaction seems to play more to underdeveloped tween emotions than to those of adults. When Edward revealed his ‘diamonds,’ I began searching for a fork to stick into my eye.
    If I watch another, I’ll have to be under the influence of drugs, or maybe in a coma.

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