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Horror Movie Marathon: Human Centipede and Sex and the City 2

Posted in Human Centipede, movies, reviews with tags movies, reviews on June 11, 2010 by Paxton

Okay, so I girded my loins the past few days and I watched two movies that I really wasn’t looking forward to watching. Let’s see if they were any good.

The Human Centipede – This movie has been getting a lot of internet buzz lately. You could almost say it was this year’s Snakes on a Plane. Except instead of the concept of Sam Jackson saying “…snakes on a muthaf—in’ plane!” you get the idea of a mad surgeon sewing people together ass to mouth. The film is playing in less than 20 theaters across the country, none of which are here in Jacksonville, but Comcast is simultaneously offering it On-Demand. So my friend Jason was visiting and we thought we’d give it a shot and bought The Human Centipede from On-Demand, in HD, no doubt.

This movie is flat out horrifying. Plain and simple. But it’s the idea of what’s happening that’s horrifying, not so much the images in the movie. This isn’t Saw, or Hostel. There’s not buckets of blood and gore. It’s just the idea of the mechanics of this “human centipede” that are completely disgusting. I mean, I was thinking about the concept of the “human centipede” for a few days after I watched the movie. That’s how disturbing it was. The plot is thin, a demented surgeon has decided to take on the challenge of combining three people through their gastro-intestinal systems and creating this horrific living “pet” for himself. Connected mouth to anus, the idea of being within this sick creation is enough to make you nauseous and your skin crawl. And the doctor is successful much faster than you would expect. 46 minutes into the movie the full centipede is revealed in all of its revolting glory and you get this bizarre celebratory scene by the doctor as he cries over his new creation and kisses himself in a mirror. Next come some horrifyingly weird scenes where the doctor tries to train his new pet to fetch the newspaper. I kid you not, this movie is weird, gross, horrifying and disturbing. I’m glad I watched it, but I will never watch it again. They are currently developing the sequel right now, so maybe I’ll watch that, but considering who lives and who dies at the end of this movie, I’m not sure how they’ll continue this.

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The Cavalcade of Awesome watches Twilight New Moon

Posted in monsters, movies, reviews, Twilight, vampires, werewolf, werewolves with tags monsters, movies, reviews, Twilight, vampires, werewolf, werewolves on May 7, 2010 by Paxton

For regular readers, if you recall, I watched the first Twilight movie last March and was not a fan.

However, thinking back on it, as much as I hated what Stephanie Meyer and Twilight has done to vampires (and literature in general), there were things in the movie that I didn’t hate. Vampire baseball being one of those. The “evil” vampires being another. But I did hate EVERYTHING about Bella and Edward. EVERYTHING. The dialogue, the look, the language, the way they acted with each other. HATED IT. It was a bad Harlequin romance novel, horrible dialogue and all, gussied up with non-threatening “vegetarian vampires”, a weak willed heroine and an angsty, emo pretty boy (who doesn’t wash his hair) as the anti-hero.

Harlequin Twilight book

So, being the pop culture guru that I am, I felt I needed to continue the series and watch Twilight: New Moon, the first sequel, especially if I’m going to continue talking about how much Twilight is ruining vampires for everyone. So I got the movie from Netflix and my wife and I sat down to watch it this past Saturday. Now, to be honest, I wasn’t exactly dreading it. I was totally expecting not to like the movie, but I thought I could enjoy how completely ridiculous it’ll be and laugh the majority of it off. Like watching Battlefield Earth after several shots of Jagermeister and Red Bull. I was wrong.

This movie is so f’n bad that I am ashamed I even watched it. I’m ashamed for the majority of the actors in the movie. This movie makes the first Twilight look like Citizen Kane. It almost makes Battlefield Earth look like Citizen Kane. It is horrible in the same way that someone kicking a kitten is horrible. And I don’t know if I should blame the director, writer, author, actors or just curse God for releasing this upon the Earth.

First of all, I was actually kind of excited to see werewolves get thrown into the mix. The last movie was entirely too full of gay-ass vampires. We needed some thing more awesome, like big bad ass wolves. Well, there were werewolves in this movie. And the wolves were big and bad ass, but look at the guys that turned into the wolves.

Tell me this doesn’t look like the cast of the floor show at San Francisco’s popular nightclub, The Manhole. Are werewolves forbidden from wearing shirts, because these guys don’t wear shirts throughout the entire movie. And why do they all have to wear jorts (jean shorts)? These werewolves are less gay than the vampires in the movie, but that’s like saying Elton John is less gay than Liberace. They are both still GAY. I don’t feel like these guys want to wolf out and murder me, I feel like they want to give me a lap dance. So now Stephanie Meyer is ruining werewolves. Great.

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Reviews of 5 brand new sodas in stores now

Posted in Mountain Dew, Pepsi, reviews, soda with tags Mountain Dew, Pepsi, reviews, soda, sodapalooza on April 27, 2010 by Paxton

There have been some new soda flavor releases recently. I’ve picked up a bunch of them and I’m going to review them for you right now.

Mt Dew is back doing the whole Dewmocracy voting thing. If you remember, back in 2008 Mountain Dew released three test market flavors nationwide (SuperNova, Voltage and Revolution) and had people vote on which one became the new permanent Mt Dew flavor. This resulted in Mt Dew Voltage winning a permanent spot on the nation’s shelves. Well, Mt Dew is doing this whole thing again with three new flavors for us to try and vote on. They were released to stores this April and they are Mt Dew Distortion, Mt Dew White Out and Mt Dew Typhoon. Let’s see if they are any good.

Mt Dew Distortion – This flavor is a lime-blasted Mt Dew. The taste is very similar to the Taco Bell exclusive Mt Dew Baja Blast. This Dew is a little bit more bitter on the aftertaste than Baja Blast, mainly because Baja Blast has pineapple in its flavor to tone that down. I like lime, I like Mt Dew, so I like this flavor. However, the coloring and label are too similar to the original Dew and it doesn’t stand out enough for me. A good flavor that may get lost in the shuffle.

Mt Dew White Out – Unlike Distortion, this flavor does stand out. The bright white and blue packaging and disconcertingly white liquid color make this stand out from the drink cooler in every way. How is the taste? Well, it’s labeled as a “smooth citrus” Dew and it doesn’t lie, it is definitely smooth tasting. A light, sweet Dew with very little aftertaste. I’m just wondering how this smooth citrus is different than the regular Dew citrus? Once again, confusion with the existing brand. I can see this getting votes on it’s mild taste and eye-catching design.

Mt Dew Typhoon – This is a tropical Punch infused Mountain Dew. I love the blue/red color combination and the bright red liquid color (but, that too is very similar to Mt Dew Code Red). The taste is very good. It has a nice fruit punch flavor that works well with the normal Mt Dew citrus. The taste actually reminds me of the limited edition Halo 3 Mt Dew Game Fuel from 2008. I would say that this is my favorite flavor so far, with White Out second and Distortion a close third. However, unless they make these in diet, I really won’t be drinking them. Which is a shame, because I like all three of these flavors. I actually think all of these flavors are much better than the Diet Mt Dew UltraViolet they released last fall. If they made any of these in diet I would regularly drink it.

So, how’s the voting going? If you go to Dewmocracy.com, you can see an up to date map by state of the results.
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Review of Clash of the Titans: Old vs New

Posted in movies, pop culture, reviews with tags movies, Mythology, pop culture, reviews on April 16, 2010 by Paxton

I saw the new remake of Clash of the Titans with my buddy Dr Mike last week. After watching it I got jazzed to watch the original 1981 version, so I queued it up on Netflix streaming and watched it this past weekend. Here is a review and comparison of the two movies.

Clash of the Titans (1981) – I loved this movie when I was a kid. I also hadn’t watched it since I was a kid, so, as happens very often, it’s entirely possible that my 7 year old self didn’t know what the hell he was talking about so I decided to watch this classic again. How does it stand up? Not bad. I was surprised how much of the movie I actually remembered. Like in the new remake, the Gods are played by awesome and well respected actors; Sir Lawrence Olivier, Ursula Andress and Maggie Smith. There’s also an awesome role played by Burgess Meredith, and Julie Bowker, who plays Andromeda, is gorgeous. So the casting, so far was great. Except for Harry Hamlin. I’ve never been a huge fan of him, and this movie did nothing to change that perception, but the movie worked despite me not really even liking the actor (I didn’t mind Perseus as a character). And I love the Harryhausen stop motion effects. Medusa, Calibos and the Kraken just rule in this movie. I don’t know what it is, but the stop motion just works for me in a throwback/vintage way. And the whole “hero’s journey” that is setup for Perseus to save Andromeda really works as a story. There were some slow parts yes, but on the whole the movie rocks. Calibos, the giant scorpions, the battle with Medusa, Bubo, the Stygian Witches. It all just worked. I really enjoyed it. This is one movie that really could have aged and been terrible on a modern viewing, but it is fun, the effects are great and the story is interesting.

Clash of the Titans (2010) – Okay, now let’s talk about the remake. On paper, this looks to be very similar experience for me. Lots of mythology and the Gods are played by awesome and well-respected actors. Alexa Davalos as Andromeda is gorgeous and, again, I’m not a big fan of the actor playing Perseus. However, I didn’t like Hamlin in the original either, and it worked, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. First, the good things in the movie. EVERYTHING with the Gods. Liam Neeson as Zeus and Ralph Fiennes as Hades work on every conceivable level. They came with their game faces on and everything with them and the entire design of Olympus just works…period. I’m a little confused that they cast the great Danny Huston as Poseidon and he only gets one line. ONE LINE!? Anyway, all of the action scenes and effects are exciting and visually spectacular. The Kraken looks awesome as do the Stygian Witches, giant scorpions, Medusa and Calibos. Actually, Jason Flemyng as Calibos is FANTASTIC. He’s not used enough and is dispatched way too easily. But when he’s there, he’s bad ass. The set design for this movie is ridiculous. They really went nuts with the environments.

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Quick Shots: Reviews of some stuff I’ve seen and read…

Posted in movies, reviews, TV shows with tags movies, reviews, TV shows on April 8, 2010 by Paxton

I should do this more often, but I don’t. However, I will try to get an article like this out more often.

Today, I’m going to give a bunch of quick reviews of movies and TV shows I’ve seen and watched the past few weeks.

Hot Tub Time Machine – Saw it two weeks ago. HILARIOUS. It’s every bit as good as I wanted it to be. I will still say that they gave away too many jokes in the trailer and the ridiculous amount of clips they released online. However, this movie is still funny. Rob Corddry nearly steals the whole shebang. Also, look for a VERY covert appearance by none other than the Kobra Kai himself, William Zabka. I swear you won’t recognize him. For me, this movie is NEARLY as good as The Hangover.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans – Watched this last night. It’s terrible. Nic tries to relive his Leaving Las Vegas performance. He must have succeeded because I hated this movie every bit as much as I hated Leaving Las Vegas. At least LLV had some decent boobie scenes. F**k this movie.

Predator 2 – I’m gearing up for the new Predator movie in July. I watched the first Predator on Blu-Ray and that movie still holds up. It’s awesome. Just listening to Arnold scream “GET TO THA CHOPPA!” gets my adrenaline pumping. So I finally watched the sequel, Predator 2 with Danny Glover. I’m sorry, but there’s no way Murtaugh is gonna kill a Predator. NO F***ING WAY. And you rarely get to see the Predator, which, in this movie is bad because there’s absolutely nothing else going on that is interesting. NOTHING. Instead of Jesse Ventura we get Bill Paxton. Instead of Arnold’s Dutch we get GARY F***ING BUSEY. Yes, Gary Busey’s character was originally written as Dutch. WTF?! I want to cry. For straight up bad ass Predator action, I prefer the first Alien vs Predator movie, even though, as a movie, it’s horrible. HORRIBLE. I love Predator based on the original movie, but there has yet to be another movie anywhere near as good as the first. Hopefully, that gets rectified in July with Rodriguez’s Predators.