Cavalcade of Awesome

Well, it’s now October. Hard to believe. We are in the thrust of the college and pro football seasons and Halloween is right around the corner. Time flies when you are getting worked like a dog. The below article was written several weeks ago but I thought it would work better as the opening article for the month of October seeing as how it’s about beer. I have mentioned RateBeer.com before, but I thought it would be fun to delve a little deeper into it. Enjoy.

I joined RateBeer.com in 2005 with my friend Steve. We started rating our favorite beers and noticed that our tastes ran exactly opposite those of the most popular raters on the site. We like the light, American pale lager, whereas “beer snobs” tend to prefer the thick, dark sludge-like consistency of the European beers. So Steve and I started to write a bunch of “tongue in cheek” reviews blasting beer snob’s favorite beers and glowing reviews of the American lagers. It was all done in fun and even if no one else thought it was funny, he and I did.

Well, early in this blog’s life, I wrote about an incident I had with a beer snob at RateBeer.com back in 2005. He was an ass, we exchanged some emails, I got pissed and wrote a blog article about it. It was dumb, but it kinda got me off the site. Well, I went back recently to read some of my old beer reviews and I thought they were funny. These reviews were written before I had a blog, but it showed me I enjoyed writing and having fun with product reviews. I thought I would share a few of my reviews from that site so you can see what I was talking about.

Here you can see the main account page at RateBeer.com. My reviews are in the right hand grey column. My personal details are in the left hand yellow column. I have 39 reviews posted as of today. My last one was dated in October 2005. On your profile, RateBeer has you put a Beer Philosophy. Here’s what I wrote:

I prefer the lighter, American macro-brews. I like my women dark, not my beer.

That about sums it up, I think. RateBeer.com is a fun site to use, but some of the members can be a little snotty. They were probably snotty because the hardcore members were just irritated that I wasn’t taking it as seriously as they were. Regardless, the site is interesting to look through and read reviews, so check it out if you get a chance.

Now let’s take a look at some of my reviews. Here are several of my favorite beer reviews I wrote on RateBeer.com.

Bud Light – “My favorite beer and what I compare all other beers to. Crisp, clean American taste. After a few bottles I feel like running for President and invading a small totalitarian government!”

Bud Ice Light – “I didn’t think it was possible, but Bud made a beer lighter than Bud Light. This is like drinking out of the faucet. Really good for bar-b-ques. Why nurse your bottles of beer when you can drink a case of this and still be able to pilot the red-eye from New York to LA the next morning?”

Keystone Light – “This would normally go directly towards my beer interests, but it’s more uninteresting than it is good. Cheap, which I like, but boring, which I don’t.”

Milwaukee’s Best – “Ahh, the Blue Can of Death (BCoD). This is only worth a try if you are short on cash since a case of this crap only costs about 20 cents. And that’s for a reason. I can brew better beer in a used prison toilet.”

Samuel Adams Boston Ale – “I’m actually embarrassed this is an American beer. WTF?! It tastes like someone took a spoiled keg of beer and puked in it. I wouldn’t clean my toilet with this crap.”

Samuel Adams Boston Lager – “Another catastrophic failure for the Boston Beer Company. Heavy ass lager that tastes like I licked the bottom of an oak barrel. The only reason this gets a 3 in Flavor is because I tried it in Colonial Williamsburg on draft and managed to choke it down without throwing up bile the rest of the night.”

Sapporo Classic – “[A very] nice, Japanese beer. Thick with a heavy aftertaste, but goes down nice with a plate of fried rice and a cup of sake. Drop your cup of sake into a glass of this beer to create a Sake Bomber. Not responsible for you getting your drunk ass kicked out of the restaurant. ”

Amstel Light – “Not surprised this is brewed by Heineken. Bittersweet taste, not in a good way. Like Heineken, if I want to feel pretentious and snobby, I’ll stand in a bar holding a bottle of this, otherwise I ask for Bud Light. Is there an Amstel regular?”

Natural Light – “Great if you are on a budget and enjoy drinking stale tap water. One of my friend’s favorites, I’m thinking of dis-owning him.”

Natural Ice – “For those of you who thought regular Natural Lite was too bold and hopsy, here’s your beer. Holy crap, I get more of a taste from swallowing my own spit. It will get ya drunk, but so will swigging Nyquil.”

Foster’s – “Australian for ASS.”

Olde English 800 – “”8-Ball” I bought this beer because of the NWA song enumerating the virtues of drinking it. I was slightly disappointed. No ghetto hoes were butt-dancing in my grill after cracking open this malt liquor. I’d rather cap myself gansta-style than drink another bottle.”

King Cobra – “I really wish I could rate the taste of this beer. I bought a 32oz bottle of it in college and it was unceremoniously stolen by one of my friends. He left only a note saying he owes me one Nattie Light. Needless to say, I killed this friend.”

When I wrote these 2 years I ago, I thought they were funny, and I still think so. Most of them were really “tongue in cheek”, like I said. If I bashed one of your favorite beers, I really am sorry, but I hated it.

But what do I know, I’m a wine snob. 😉

Hey, how about an update? I’ll write a few new reviews right this very moment. Let’s go.

Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale – “What is your name? Pax.
What is your quest? To taste Monty Python’s Holy Ale.
What did you think? It’s like being simultaneously punched in the face and kicked in the groin. It was so bitter I felt like I drank a box of alum like I was in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Yes, Monty, you made a horrible beer, the joke is on me. Why dost thou forsake us?”

Miller Chill – “Is this what Miller thinks Mexican beer tastes like? Have they ever even BEEN to Mexico…..and I don’t mean the one at Disney Epcot. This beer tastes like lime Kool-Aid mixed with dirty water. While probably close to the taste of real Mexican drinking water, it tastes nothing like Mexican beer.”

LaBatt Blue – “Our Canadian friends have made a beer. That’s pretty much all I can say. This beer is like Chinese food. It’s good, but I forgot I drank it 5 min after I was finished. It’s the equivalent of a beer Etch-A-Sketch. Shake and erase…….then repeat. Although you got to love the commercials with the guy in the bear suit. Awesome.”

That’s it for this week. Hope you enjoyed the reviews. Till next time……BE COOL, MY BABIES!!!

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