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Jack. Is. Back.

Posted in 24, humor, Jack Bauer, reviews, TV, TV shows with tags 24, pop culture, TV shows on January 18, 2007 by Paxton

Well, for those in the know, 24 started on Sunday night with a 2 hour season premier extravaganza. It continued with another 2 hour free-for-all on Monday night. It’s official, Season 6 has begun, and I am hooked…AGAIN.

This year, Jack has already escaped from Chinese torture, been traded by our government to a terrorist in order to be killed, barely escaped a military air strike and watched a nuclear bomb detonate just outside Los Angeles. And that’s just in the first four hours. Sweet Jesus, what’s going to happen in the next 20 hours? Tune in Monday nights to find out, my friends.

Jack Bauer gets put in the worst situations. I have no idea how the guy is still sane, much less alive. He’s willingly become an enemy of the government, tortured and killed civilians and foreigners (guilty and innocent), and pretty much given up the possibility of a normal life outside his job all to serve his President (whoever that may be at any given time). Yet, despite all his sacrifices, key people in the government STILL do not trust or believe him. Jack could be sent by the government on a suicide mission to capture the head of a terrorist organization, somehow manages to gain the upper hand against 20 heavily armed men, kill only the people in the room that was necessary while maybe seriously injuring a few others, gain critical information from the terrorists (that will eventually save the government’s ass) yet when he presents this critical information to the higher-ups, he is believed by maybe 3 out of 10 people. THREE out of ten people. WTF?! BUT, to be fair, the 3 out of the 10 people that believe him, are the ones that matter. It’s those holy trinity of individuals who help Jack covertly carry out his job despite the ever looming possibility that those helpers will be fired, or worse, killed. The other seven of ten people are politicians with hidden agendas trying to keep Jack from yet again saving the world. That’s the wonderful bitter irony of this show. Jack Bauer will save the day, even if the politicians of this country don’t really want him to. What chance do pasty politicians have, Jack’s survived 2 nuclear bombs for chrissake. TWO. Ya betta recognize.

Steph asked me the other night who I would want with me trapped in the woods being hunted by terrorists, Jack Bauer or MacGuyver? Great, great question. I had to think about this one. Either way you are leaving those woods alive, the only difference is, with Jack Bauer, the terrorists won’t. MacGuyver would fashion a distracting bomb out of dirt and tree sap then figure a way to signal for help from a passing military plane. Jack, would ambush the terrorists, gut them like fish, then torture the leader until he told the location of the nuclear bomb, the terrorist hideout, his atm code and his favorite hat. The only problem is, when Jack returns to base, his bosses are going to laugh at the information he received as unreliable. Poor, pitiful bureaucrats.

For those that don’t know, 24 airs on Monday nights.

For some fun, random facts about Jack Bauer click here. Hit F5 after reading the fact to get a new one.

Technorati Tags – TV humor 24 Jack Bauer TV Shows

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10 Best/Worst Christmas Songs

Posted in Bing Crosby, Christmas, Elvis, holiday, humor, pop culture, reviews, Rosie O'Donnell with tags Christmas, Elvis Presley, movies, music, pop culture, reviews on December 19, 2006 by Paxton

Today’s article is a reader submission. I was asked to write about what, I believe, are the 10 best/worst Christmas songs of all time. So, Kathy, this one is for you. If there is something you would like me to write about just drop me a line here. If it interests me and I decide to do it, you’ll get credit for giving me the idea, just like I’m giving Kathy right now. Anywho, on with the article.

I love Christmas and along with that, I love Christmas songs. Especially the celebrity pop culture songs. Some of those Christmas songs can be so awful that you can’t believe how absolutely awesome they are…or, as I call it, abso-awful (I just made that word up). The rest of the Christmas songs are so heinous that you’ll claw out the inside of your ear with a rusty spoon to not have to hear them anymore. Here’s my personal countdown of the 10 Best and 10 Worst Christmas Songs of all time. I’ll also give you a little tidbit of why that song is where it is. You may look at these lists and be like, “Hey Pax, you are a ^$#$ genius, keep it up!” or you may look at it and say, “You are dead to me”. Either way, I’m still an incredibly sexy beast (You know it’s true. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful).

Let’s start off with the 10 best Christmas songs in no particular order (I’m numbering them for my own sanity).

1. White Christmas (Bing Crosby) – This is, of course, a classic. When Bing wasn’t beating the crap out of his kids, he was busy belting out some of the best songs of his day. This one comes from the equally awesome movie of the same name. Needs no explanation.
2. Mele Kalikimaka (Bing Crosby) – As to this song’s origin, I imagine Bing bet some songwriter that he couldn’t write a song about both Hawaii AND Christmas. Well, Unknown Songwriter 1 – Bing Crosby 0. Makes me think of that scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark is looking out the window at his soon to be swimming pool.
3. Blue Christmas (Elvis Presley) – You knew The King was going to be on this list. Here’s his most famous. Pretty much everyone on Earth with a set of vocal cords and no shame has covered this song. Elvis makes you wonder why anyone even tries to sing anymore.
4. Santa’s Coming to Town (Elvis Presley) – A lesser known Elvis song off one of his first Christmas albums (of which number in the lower millions). It’s a bluesy, rock “version” of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I put “version” in “quotes” because a) Elvis’ song is very different from the original and b) I’m extremely pretentious.
5. Jingle Bell Rock (Bobby Helms) – Another classic. Fun version of the original Jingle Bells song. Because “jingle bell time is a swell time, to go riding in a one-horse sleigh”. You know it and I know it.
6. Little Saint Nick (Beach Boys) – Seems weird putting a Beach Boys song on a Christmas list, right? Well, I already put a Hawaiian song on, so let’s put the Boys on. Very catchy tune that makes me want to both celebrate Christmas and go to the beach to “hang 10”.
7. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree (Brenda Lee) – Featured in pretty much every movie that ever had a passing mention of Christmas. Most notably, though, Home Alone.
8. Baby It’s Cold Outside (Leon Redbone/Zooey Deschanel) – This is just a great song, but this particular version can be found on the Elf soundtrack. I LOVE this song.
9. Run Rudolph Run (Chuck Berry) – Any Chuck Berry Christmas song is bound to be good. This is no exception and, like the song 2 entries up, can be found in Home Alone.
10. Carol of the Bells (Any choir) – This isn’t really a pop christmas song, but I love this so much I had to put it here. I learned to love it when my high school choir performed it at a Christmas event. Very pretty when sung by a choir.

You’ve seen the best, now let’s see the worst. The songs that make you ashamed to be Christian and celebrating Christmas. Here are the 10 worst songs as viewed by me.

1. Feliz Navidad (Jose Feliciano) – I got into an argument with my 5th grade teacher, Mr. Butler, over who was the better guitarist; Jose Feliciano or Jimi Hendrix (I honestly am not making that up). To me, that was not even an argument as Jimi could play with his teeth and I maintain that teeth beats no teeth every time. I still hear this song in my sleep from when Steph and I put up our Christmas tree lights this year.
2. Little Drummer Boy (David Bowie/Bing Crosby) – See this awful, awful video here. Why must singers look soulfully into the distance when singing? Is there something off camera worth looking at? Why can’t I see, too? This is actually considered a classic, but I think it’s a classic piece of crap. Why, Bing, WHY?!
3. Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk this Christmas) (John Denver) – Is this song real? It sounds like a Weird Al parody. I could’ve written this song. Is it supposed to be funny, or poignant? Whatever it’s supposed to be, it’s entertaining, and not in a good way.
4. Silver Bells (Kathi Lee Gifford/Regis Philbin) – This song is every bit as bad as you think it is. Think Riker’s Island penitentiary…but without all the sodomy. Actually, you’d probably welcome sodomy after hearing this song.
5. I’m Gonna Email Santa (Rosie O’Donnell) – Is it redundant to put Rosie O’Donnell on a Worst Christmas song list? This song is pretty much a commercial for Santa.com. Also, Rosie learned that she can’t sing when she released her first Christmas album, so on the next album (which includes this song) her voice is so overproduced it doesn’t even sound like her. Which is good cause it doesn’t sound like her, but bad because the voice now sounds like Joshua from War Games. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME? Actually, that’s kinda cool…..
6. Do You Hear What I Hear? (Rosie O’Donnell & Elmo) – It’s like someone said, “How can we make listening to a song sung by Rosie O’Donnell worse? I know, let’s have her sing with that irritating Muppet you tickle.” Maybe for the next Rosie Christmas album she can hire someone to come in my house and punch me repeatedly in the testicles as I listen to her album. No, that would actually be better than this song.
7. Have a Rosie Christmas (Rosie O’Donnell) – If Rosie’s goal by singing this was to give me the compulsion to first, kill her, then kill myself, all I have to say is……mission accomplished, Rosie……mission accomplished.
8. Dear Mr. Jesus (Faceless, Abused Child) – I know the intentions behind this song are noble, but, oh dear, sweet jesus, this song is flat out awful. It’s sung by a sweet child, yet it’s about another child who is physically abused by her parents. By the end I’m ready to either search out the abusive parents and string them up for all to see, or slit my own wrists. Since I’m lazy, it’ll probably be the latter.
9. Jingle Bells (Jingle Dogs) – After listening to just one song off any of these stupid CDs, you too will believe in euthanasia for animals.
10. Do They Know It’s Christmas Time At All? (Band Aid) – This one toes the line of being abso-awful and just plain awful, but, for me, it’s just plain awful. Watching the music video is like watching the video yearbook of a drug rehab clinic circa 1982. It’s poetic to see some of the wealthiest musicians of that time sing about awareness of the poor in Africa. Do people in Africa even celebrate Xmas?

Well, that’s my list and I’m stickin’ to it. By now you are either extolling the unlimited boundaries of my genius, or cursing me to an early grave. Hey, this is all subjective and only my opinion, except for the Rosie O’Donnell songs. Those are awful, and that’s a fact supported by modern science.

Anywho, hope everyone has a great Christmas. I’m heading back home to Birmingham, AL on Saturday. Hope you all get what you want. Personally, I hope I’ll be getting a Nintendo Wii. After this article, I’m sure Santa is going to give me the Kathy Lee Gifford album.

Technorati Tags – christmas humor christmas songs holiday Elvis

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Seasonings Greetings

Posted in food, humor, Lawry's, Nature's Seasons, personal, random, reviews, seasoning salt with tags personal on November 3, 2006 by Paxton

No, that title is not a typo. I got a random little entry today as I’m feeling a bit sassy and I thought I would take you along for the ride. Someone brought in donuts to work today and I had two, so I may be just in the midst of my sugar high, but let’s see where I can steer this entry.

I’ve been thinking about my favorite food seasonings recently. Don’t ask me why, it just happens. I don’t question it, I just acknowledge and move on. Anyway, my family has always loved pouring extra seasonings onto food for flavoring. It doesn’t matter if the food actually needs more flavoring, they do it anyway. You could have Emeril or Wolfgang Puck make the tastiest porkchops or top sirloin steaks and place them right in front of my dad. Without missing a beat, my dad will dumptruck on half a shaker of salt and six cups of seasoning salt. It’s something that has been conditioned into me like Pavlov’s dogs;

1. Place food in front of me
2. Apply copious amounts of seasoning salt
3. Taste food
4. Add more seasoning salt

In light of my familial brainwashing, there are two seasoning salts that get it done for me and I have used them since I was a kid. The first was introduced to me by my mother and its called Nature’s Seasons by the Morton Salt company. This is used on lots of things but the best is to sprinkle this over cottage cheese as a side dish. I always thought it had a weird name though. Nature’s Seasons. What’s that supposed to mean? This seasoning salt consists of seasonings you can find in nature? Whatever. If one could find this bottle’s kaleidescope of tastes in nature, I wouldn’t need it in the first place. Maybe the title means that Mother Nature herself uses it on her own food? How awesome is that?

Seasoning number two is Lawry’s Seasoning Salt. This one is the far more versatile salt of the two. I use it much more frequently. Like Nature’s Seasons, it’s also good on cottage cheese, but Lawry’s can also be used on beef, veggies, chicken, pork, pizza, mac&cheese, squash, kittens, midgets, those rubber bouncy balls you can buy for a quarter, breakfast cereals, the French and, last but not least, deviled eggs. Lawry’s didn’t try to get too cute with their name like Morton. Lawry’s Seasoning Salt. That’s pretty much all you need. This stuff is so good that you could sprinkle a little bit on the table in front of me and I’d spend the next hour trying to lick every last speck off the tabletop. Yes, it’s that good. Try it on popcorn, too. I didn’t realize that this seasoning comes from an actual restaurant in Chicago. Click the Lawry’s bottle to the right to go to the restaurant’s website.

Anywhose, hope everyone has a good weekend. Enjoy the time off.

PEACE.

Technorati Tags – random personal food salt spices Lawry’s Nature’s Seasons

Coffee Flavored Soda: Something Wicked This Way Comes

Posted in Coca Cola, coffee, food, reviews, soda with tags Coca Cola, coffee, Pepsi, soda, sodapalooza on October 18, 2006 by Paxton

The apocalypse, the end of the world. You might think this is foretold by simple things like locusts, oceans flowing red like blood and the sky turning black as a death shroud. I have a different, yet all the more deadly and horrific sign: coffee flavored soda. I am aghast at the mere mention of this unholy union, but being the purveyor of pop culture that I am, I have to try it. There are really only two I care about right now, and they are Coca-Cola Blak by Coke and Pepsi Cappuccino by, of course, Pepsi. Other smaller companies make a version of this deadly brew, but I am only going to try Coke and Pepsi’s offerings because that is my prerogative and I don’t actually think I have the testicular fortitude to try more than 2 bottles of this Death Juice (i.e. coffee flavored soda).

Before I get to the reviews, you should know that I LOVE soda. Love, love, LOVE it. Also, I HATE coffee. I hate the smell, I hate the taste. I hate coffee ice cream. This should be interesting.

I work for the corporate office of Winn-Dixie and they recently threw us an employee barbeque. Coca-Cola catered the drink portion of this event. They were giving away Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite and Coke Blak. Recently, Coke has been giving away bottles of this stuff all over the place trying to get people to taste it, but it has yet to really catch on. I have a guess why, but I’ll taste it first before I make any snap judgments.

I took my first sip, and after gagging and coughing for 10 minutes I thought that God hated me and that’s why he created this drink. Then, being the connoisseur of cola that I am, I had to try to finish the bottle. During the torture session of finishing this bottle, I can only think of my cousin Mike as he recently tried to finish a tiny can of low sodium V8 juice. My face puckered, my fingers closing my nose and a look of absolute disgust on my face I soldiered on and had two more sips before nearly puking up my kidney and half my lung. Awful, nasty stuff. I asked a coffee drinker what he thought. He said, at first, the coffe/cola flavor is nice, but after multiple sips the taste somewhat sours in your mouth and you realize that your taste buds were pulling the long con on your brain.

Final Verdict: If you value your life and your sanity, stay away from this hateful, hateful drink.

You are probably not going to be able to find my second drink, Pepsi Cappuccino, in your local 7-11. This is really only marketed/sold in Europe and Russia. I was able to procure this can through much barting with overseas contacts. You don’t want to know what it took to get it, but let me just say this, it involved 3 goats, a marriage proposal and a pair of Levis button-fly 501 jeans with the ass cheeks cut out. Oh yes, I just said that.

I haven’t actually opened the can, so I’m doing it for the first time right now. After 2 rounds with the devil’s urine above, I can only imagine what lies in wait in this can of Pepsi Cappuccino. The verdict is….hey, this isn’t too bad. The hell? The taste is mostly Pepsi, but there is a subtle hint of chocolate. Now, since I hate coffee, I don’t really know the difference between a cappuccino, an espresso or a latte. I would be interested in trying a cappuccino after trying this. I like that Pepsi doesn’t hit you over the head with the coffee flavor. It’s subtle. It’s sexy. I like it. Holy crap. This article isn’t ending the way I planned. This is a most unexpected development. Hooray for Pepsi! This is why I prefer Pepsi products over Coke.

One thing I will mention, Pepsi makes other coffee colas called Pepsi Kona (which was discontinued) and Pepsi Tarik. I’m not sure if both of these are the same thing and just named differently in different markets, but the logos are similar. I am still trying to procure one of these. It may be that Pepsi Tarik/Kona is actually closer to Coke Blak than Pepsi Cappuccino. When I get a can, I’ll let you know.

So what have we learned? We have learned that Pepsi Cappuccino is actually a pretty tasty drink. We have also learned that if Coke Blak were a person, I’m pretty sure he’d beat his kids and cheat on his wife and maybe even drink Coke Blak. Maybe they should rename it “New Coke” because I think this drink is headed in the same direction as that fateful drink in 1985, directly for the pop culture trash bin.

Technorati Tags – Pepsi Coke Coca Cola coffee cappuccino humor pop culture

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War Games 2 and other movie sequels

Posted in humor, movies, personal, reviews, sequels, War Games with tags movies, pop culture, sequels, War Games on October 9, 2006 by Paxton

I was perusing what the youngsters like to call “the net” the other day and came across this article on one of my favorite movie news sites. According to the article, Hollywood is apparently making a War Games 2. This got me thinking about movie sequels, good and bad, and what I think about them. I’m pretty sure you’re going to be interested in what I have to say, otherwise you’d be doing laundry or washing your car right now, so I thought I’d pass along some “nuggets” from my own noggin about movie sequels. Write them down, grasshopper, cause these nuggets are gold, I tell ya, GOLD.

First off, I am not patently against sequels. I don’t automatically think they are going to be awful. Being a movie whore gives me the wonderful freedom of thinking movies that should suck, are going to be awesome. It’s liberating. If I enjoyed the first movie and some or most of the original cast returns, then I’m willing to give it a try. But what sounds like a good idea on paper, may turn out to be box office poison. In light of this, let’s look at some of the factors that, I believe, will immediately count against the success of a sequel.

One type of sequel that I will immediately hate is the “in name only” sequels. You know the ones, more often than not they didn’t have a theatrical release. You see them sitting in Blockbuster and you’re like, “HOLY CRAP, THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO BAMBI?!” (yes they did). If these eyesores were released in theaters, there would be chaos in the streets, it would be the Kent State riots all over again. I ask you, how is the movie a sequel when not one person from the original movie appears? Even worse is when one of the characters in the sequel is the son/daughter/uncle/cousin of one of the characters in the original to make up for the fact that the studio was too much of a Scrooge to pay for the original actors. That’s the definition of cheap, people.

Let’s talk a bit about the aforementioned War Games: The Dead Game. First off, the title. They use the original title, but instead of putting a giant 2 in it, they give it some generic ominous sounding subtitle. You aren’t fooling me, MGM. Also, the odds are against Matthew Broderick coming back for this. Likewise for Ally Sheedy (is she still alive?) and Dabney Coleman. It’ll be all new people we’ve never heard of who look like they should be in a WB hour long drama doing something vaguely similar to the events in the first movie. Why even call it War Games, why not just The Dead Game? I’ll tell you why; to get people who wouldn’t normally go see a movie filled with nobodies to go see it. Even if Broderick gives a small cameo at some point (which would help), this is just lazy. War Games 2, to me, is Matthew Broderick as David Lightman, grown up, working for a software development company and he uncovers a plot by his company/the government/some random shmuck to take over the company/stock market/country/world. THAT is War Games 2. MGM, call me when it’s in the can.

Another example you ask? Of course, I answer. How about Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights? Another omission of the giant 2 and the addition of a sultry subtitle. In reality, this movie should have been called just…Havana Nights. There was absolutely NO need to tack on Dirty Dancing to the beginning except for the simple fact that no one would have seen it. Yes, I realize Patrick Swayze himself had a small part, but, come on, they didn’t even call him Johnny (his character in the original). He was credited as DANCE INSTRUCTOR. WTF?! WHY?! He’s in the movie, he has several scenes with the main characters, why couldn’t SOMEBODY call him Johnny?! ONCE?! Drove me up the wall. The movie wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t that great either. I kinda feel the same way about the original, too (Sorry, Steph). Moving on….

So you see what I mean about the “in name only” sequels. 9.9 times out of 10, they are going be a huge pile of dog ass. Let’s move on to another factor that will most definitely sink a sequel; recasting the main actors. I hate it when a sequel is announced and one of your favorite characters is recast. I would actually prefer the character is dropped than have another actor brought in. What usually winds up happening is the original actor left such an impression that the newer upstart is overshadowed, leaving you feeling like he’s just copying the original performance. One of the better examples of this is Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd. While this movie could have stood on it’s own as a dumb high school comedy (maybe), the studio instead forces the actors to ape the characteristics of Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Parts of this movie made me laugh, but parts were cringe-inducing. Another example is Major League 2. I really enjoyed all three of the Major League movies, but one of the main characters, Willie Mays Hayes, is recast. Originally played by Wesley Snipes, in part 2 Hayes is played by Omar Epps. Epps did a nice job, but he’s not Wesley Snipes. While Major League 2 did have a few other issues, this was one of the big ones (the original and Part 3 are the best of the trilogy). The last glaring example of recasting I’ll bring to your attention is The Sting II. The original, starring Robert Redford and Paul Newman, was a classic heist movie that helped launch Newman and Redford even further into superstardom. The sequel, using the same characters but different actors, barely deserves to be mentioned. The studio did get Jackie Gleason to take over the Paul Newman role, but, despite that, continue on your merry way.

These are just a few of the examples. How many other crappy sequels are out there? Did anyone see Starship Troopers 2? Son of the Mask? How about Hollow Man 2? American Psycho 2? What about the 15 or so “sequels” Disney churns out every year? Did the public at large really need 3 sequels to the Lion King? I mean really. There are tons of other titles that litter the Blockbuster shelves like a giant landfill. To be sure, sequels can be bad. Very bad. Like, genitals wired to a car battery bad, but they can be good, too. If not for sequels we wouldn’t have Empire Strikes Back, Back to the Future II, Clerks II and Godfather Part II. But, then again, no sequels means no Godfather III, so it’s a double edged sword.

Personally, I like the idea of sequels because I love revisiting the characters I’ve grown to love in a movie. If you entertained me once, I’ll give a second movie a chance, but I’m prepared to be burned. Gigli 2, anyone?

Fun movie links:

1. Trailer for The Sting II

2. Trailer for Dumb & Dumber re-edited to look more like a drama

3. Hilarious MTV Parody of Star Wars Episode III starring Jimmy Fallon

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