Here we are again, Twilight. Once more we stare at each other across the squared circle in anticipation of this little dance that we’ve done three different times already. You show up all sparkly and melodramatic and I punch holes into your face until I’m wheezing and wishing I was watching porn.
Let’s begin this dance with a synopisis…
So the movie starts with Bella and Edward’s wedding. It’s in the woods. People show up in florescent tuxes and ascots. It’s all very ethereal and annoying. Not surprisingly Jacob isn’t in attendance until during the reception. He comes with an understandable chip on his shoulder. Edward is now actually trying to be nice and reason with him. For once, I actually feel like Edward cares for Bella. He tells Jacob that he needs him to help protect Bella. Jacob discovers that Bella hasn’t been turned yet and then he keeps focusing on the eventual “love making” that Edward is going to impart on Bella’s still human vagina and how it could kill her. It’s a rather awkward situation and Jacob just keeps going on and on about it.
After Jacob runs off very dramatically with his pack, Bella and Edward retreat to the Cullen’s private Brazilian island (of COURSE they have an island) to spend what feels like 6 months on their honeymoon. And then Bella and Edward “do the deed” and she and the bed come out looking like the scene of a street fight. Edward vows never to lay with his wife again, until he does about 10 minutes later. Bella turns up preggers with a mutant child that grows months in a matter of weeks.
The wolfpack discovers the pregnancy and plan to attack and kill the “abomination” (I agree). Jacob violently leaves the pack to protect Bella. Bella becomes weak and pallid as the baby is drawing off her life force (much like this movie is doing to me). She painfully gives birth to the child and, in spite, gives it the terrible name Renneesme (I don’t care that it’s a combo of their mothers’ names…it’s still terrible). Edward injects his “poison” into Bella’s heart after birth to turn her into a vampire but the process doesn’t seem to take and Bella seemingly dies as the Cullens and wolfpack battle. Jacob goes to kill the child himself now that Bella is “dead” but finds he’s creepily “imprinted” on the horribly named child. Since Jacob now wants to have intercourse with the baby, by the werewolf rule, she can not be harmed.
“Oh look, Jacob wants to have sex with our newborn child. How sweet.”
Bella is cleaned and dressed for her “funeral”, I guess, but suddenly her wounds heal and she awakens as a newborn vampire. And I suddenly realize that I have nothing left to give this terrible, terrible franchise. I’m struggling to find the testicular fortitude to finish the one last movie in this saga. The rest of the movies were bad, this one just was….meh. It wasn’t just f**king awful, especially compared to the second and third movies, but it’s not good, either. I was surprised that I liked Edward a little bit more in this one. He actually seemed less wooden and melodramatic and more protective of Bella. Jacob was even more of an irritating hot head than usual. And I used to like him once upon a time. We get some pretty good vamp vs werewolf action, but the wolfpack people suck. You know, I try to find one thing I like and two others that I hate spring up and take its place. Like the movie is actively trying to get me to hate it.
I think I’ve said this before, but I’m going to watch the last and final (praise Jesus) movie out of sheer dogged stubbornness. But I won’t enjoy it. Like experiencing a prison rape at Riker’s Island, I’ve just got to bite down and get through it.
Cavalcade of Awesome 