I love time travel. I’ve been fascinated with it as long as I can remember. I’ve read countless books on the subject, including Stephen Hawking’s dense A Brief History of Time (it may be brief, but it isn’t light, I’ll tell you that) because he added chapters on wormholes and time travel in the 10th Anniversary Edition. Just the idea of being able to travel in time is cool to me. It’s what compelled me to see Back to the Future 10 times in the theater in 1985 (I’m not kidding…10 times). It’s what got me to beg my mother to let me stay up late on a school night and watch the final hour of Quantum Leap’s 2 hour debut in March 1989. It’s also what compelled me to go see the revamp of HG Wells’ Time Machine with Guy Pearce in the theater in 2002 (it sucked, btw).
Since I’ve read and watched so much stuff, I thought I’d list some of my favorite time machines in movies and/or tv shows. None of these are perfect, I even discuss their problems and idiosyncrasies, but they are cool nonetheless. So sit back and let’s take a look at some of the coolest time vehicles ever created.
The Tardis from Doctor Who – I’ve never really watched Dr Who…EVER, but I’ve always liked the look of his flying time machine/phone booth. This police box is more than just a time machine, it also serves as a base of operations and a space ship. It has the cool feature of being much larger on the inside than you would expect on the outside. They can also change shape to blend in with their surroundings. Apparently, though, Dr Who’s vessel is an outdated model that has a faulty chameleon circuit that is stuck in the police box form. It also is unreliable in it’s time travel because it’s an older model and prone to breakdowns. Sounds like something Han Solo and Chewie would piece together with spit, duct tape and a prayer.
The phone booth from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure – This was a cool idea, and I like the gimmick of it, but in practice it leaves a lot to be desired. There’s not much room on the inside, and other than travelling to the 20th and 21st centuries, the vehicle itself might seem out of place and draw attention. I don’t imagine our forefathers would take kindly to a phone booth popping up in the middle of the White House lawn. However having a “time book” to tell you how to go wherever you want to go would be nice. But, again, Bill & Ted proved it’s pretty easy to be stuck in time when their antenna was damaged. But, again-again, they fixed it pretty easy with some discarded metal canisters. Time travel must not be too hard if Bill and Ted can service a broken time booth. Also, I never liked this movie’s rule that the clock in San Dimas is always ticking. Meaning when Bill and Ted left on their time trip, if they spent 24 hours searching for historical persons, when they return it had to be 24 hours later. That makes no sense. You are in a time machine, you should be able to go back to 1 minute after you left. That’s somewhat the point of time travel, no?
The quantum accelerator from Quantum Leap – This is a cool way to travel as you become someone else and interact with the people around you as that other person. The downside, you have no control over where you are going or if you will ever be able to return home. And you can’t take back souvenirs because your body jumps away into the next situation. So, actually, this time machine sucks. Nevermind.
Time vehicle from Time Cop – This is another cool time transport device. Controlled by rooms of supercomputers, you can pinpoint exactly where you are traveling in time. However, you can’t travel to the future, only to the past and back to your original point in time. Take a look at the picture; the time machine is an angular, wedge shaped vehicle that travels forward on a set of tracks at an extreme velocity towards a brick wall surrounded by some weird, stone circle structure. When it reaches a certain point on the track it pierces the fabric of the time barrier and disappears. Interestingly, the movie alludes to the fact that the vehicle sometimes doesn’t work properly and crashes into the aforementioned brick wall at the far end killing the passengers. My question? Why did they build a wall at the end of the track in the first place? Why didn’t they leave the room open at one end with no wall/giant circle structure to crash into, then when the ship doesn’t pierce the time barrier, it just glides to a stop. Nobody has to die. At the very least they could put some pillows or a giant net at the end to catch the ship. I mean, COME ON, I have three or four better ideas than a deadly brick wall to kill my passengers and I’m not even a futuristic scientist building a time machine. After the ship breaks the time barrier and disappears, the time passengers are dropped into the past…sans vehicle. Where does the giant car-sized machine go as it is not seen in the past at all and magically appears back on the tracks later in the movie?
Delorean from Back to the Future – This is the quinessential time machine. Cool car, acurate time circuits. And at the end of the movie when it gets fitted with Mr Fusion and no longer needs Plutonium to power the time circuits (and it gets the hover conversion), it becomes the easiest and funnest to use. Who wouldn’t want to drive a flying Delorean into the past and/or future? I know I would. Back to the Future made the Delorean cool again.
Time Egg from Green Futures of Tycho – I read this book when I was in 7th or 8th grade. Great story. It’s considered Children’s Literature but the story is pretty dark. Young Tycho finds a silver egg in his backyard. After playing around with it he discovers that it’s actually a time device. He can set some dials on the bottom and press a button on the top and be taken to any destination in time that he so desires. He decides to alter some unpleasant incidents in the past but he soon finds out they have major repercussions on his present…and his future. The time egg is great because it’s small, portable enough to fit in your pocket, and can go both forward and backward in time. It’s instantaneous too, so if you get in trouble, reach in your pocket, flip the dials and press the button for a quick escape. No running back to the time machine or having to start the motor. Very convenient.
How about a few of the worst time machines ever?
Cessna plane from Time Chasers – One of the worst movies ever, but one of the greatest episodes of Mystery Science Theater ever. Science geek Nick Miller builds a time machine out of a Cessna airplane and an Apple II computer. Very cost efficient using a small AIRPLANE to power your time machine…WTF?! Did the scientist think it would just be easier to travel in time with a plane? That’s crazy. Besides, how did this guy afford to pay for a damn PLANE?! He sure as hell wasn’t borrowing it cause I don’t know anyone that would loan some dorky researcher guy a plane just because he asked. Dude must have taken out like 200 payday loans to pay for the plane. How’d he have any money left to buy the computer equipment? You know the plane bankrupted the guy because later in the movie, he takes a reporter lady in the time machine on a date to the future and they eat at an Orange Julius. But you know it’s an Orange Julius in the future because everyone is wearing one piece shiny silver suits and weird head gear. If you watch this, be prepared…or just watch the MST3K version.
Uncle Rico’s time machine – Obviously not a real time machine, but I think it’s the funniest. I laugh just thinking about it. “If only coach would have put me in the game back in ’85. We would have won State.”
Have a good weekend everybody!
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7 Time Machines that would suck if they existed in the real world
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Nowadays, when I watch a cartoon, I think, “There’s a 30min commercial for toys…or a video game.” But back when I was a kid, things seemed different. They may not have been different, but it seems to me that I had a larger variety of cartoons to watch. It wasn’t just toy lines and video game sales that seemed to drive the creation of a Saturday morning cartoon, it was how popular the property was. Not just in toy aisles, but on TV or at the movies. The ’70s and ’80s were a boon for TV and movie properties to be translated into cartoon format. Not only that, but popular music groups would be translated into cartoons for kids. Some made the transition naturally, some turned out like, “Wha-huh?”. Regardless of quality, these types of cartoons fascinate me.
The Dukes – Based on Dukes of Hazard, this cartoon featured the voices of the entire live action show’s cast. In the first season, however, Vance and Coy, two other Duke cousins, were used. Bo and Luke would arrive for the second season (yes, there was a second season). The premise was very similar to Wacky Races in that the Duke Boys were participating in a big car race against their arch foes Boss Hogg and Roscoe P Coltrane for the mortgage on the farm. 
The Brady Kids – Based on the Brady Bunch, this featured the kids (no Mike or Carol) as a touring band a la The Beatles. All the kids lent their voices in season 1 but Barry Williams (Greg) dropped out in season 2. Suprisingly, there was an appearance by Superman, Lois Lane and Wonder Woman in one of the episodes making this series a copyright nightmare for release on DVD.
Gilligan’s Planet – There were actually two Gilligan’s Island cartoons. The first was in 1973, and then this one, in 1982. The Professor managed to build an interstellar rocket that propels our castaways into space to crash land on an uncharted planet. In essence, perpetuating the cycle (Professor, just fix the damn boat!). All the show’s cast lent voices except Tina Louise (Ginger) who was replaced by Dawn Wells (Mary-Ann). 
The Robonic Stooges – There was a 3 Stooges cartoon in the ’60s, but the Stooges were re-imagined as bumbling superheroes in this 1978 cartoon. The three stooges all have various bionic enhancements that they use to varying degrees of success to solve crimes. Scripts for this cartoon were written by Moe Howard’s son-in-law.
The Super Globetrotters – A lot of people know about the Globetrotters’ appearances on Scooby-Doo, and that they had their own show called the Go-Go-Globetrotters. But this beauty debuted in 1979 and was another take on bumbling superheroes like the Robonic Stooges above. Each globetrotter had a weird superpower that helped them solve crimes and rescue people. This was one of my favorites. 
New Kids on the Block – Yes, in 1990, at the height of their popularity, there was a New Kids on the Block cartoon. I remember catching it on tv a few times. Pretty standard stuff. None of the New Kids did the cartoon voices, however they filmed live action intro scenes to be cut into the show. 
Teen Wolf – 1986. This was one of my absolute favorite cartoons while growing up. I loved the original movie this was based on and the cartoon was a lot of fun. None of the movie cast returned for the cartoon but the stories were a lot of fun. It helps that I love almost anything to do with werewolves. 
Alf – The voice behind Alf returned for the Animated Series which was a prequel to the tv show. It followed Alf and his friends on Melmac before he would crash land on Earth in the tv series.
Back to the Future: The Animated Series – 1991. Everyone who reads this blog knows I love Back to the Future. However, I never really could get into this cartoon. I think because the stories/scripts were all over the place made it tough to like. It could also be that I was going to graduate high school right when this came out and I didn’t watch as much cartoons. Christopher Lloyd, Mary Steenburgen and Tom Wilson all returned to their roles of Doc, Clara and Biff, respectively.
Beetlejuice – This was actually a very good adaptation of the 1988 Michael Keaton Beetlejuice movie. Premiering in 1989, it followed the many misadventures of Beetlejuice and Lydia Deetz. The premise of the movie was changed slightly as Lydia and Beetlejuice are best friends in the cartoon and the main characters of the Maitlands in the movie don’t even appear. Very funny and very cool character design. 
Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n Wrestling – Awesome 1985 cartoon featuring many popular WWF wrestling characters. Very good cartoon, with lots of rock, but, ironically, very little (if any) wrestling. None of the wrestlers provided their own voices, but there were live-action segments which featured the real guys. As a matter of fact, Brad Garrett (Robert on Everybody Loves Raymond) would provide the voice for Hulk Hogan. 
Mr. T – 1983. Seeing Mr. T as the coach of a high school gymnastics team seems perfectly—-wait, Wha-?! 
The Real Ghostbusters – I talked about this cartoon in an 
The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang – 1980. Henry Winkler (Fonz), Ron Howard (Ritchie) and Donny Most (Ralph) all provided their voices for this show. It had a great premise where our 3 heroes were stranded in a time machine with a futuristic chick named Cupcake (really?!) trying to find their way back to 1957. 
Laverne and Shirley in the Army- Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams lended their voices to this 1981 cartoon featuring titular characters Laverne & Shirley and their adventures after having joined the Army. Ron Palillo (Horseshack) provided the voice of their pet pig, Sgt Squealy. They would later be joined by Fonzie and his dog, Mr. Cool, as motor pool mechanics. 
Mork & Mindy – In 1982 Robin Williams and Pam Dawber lent their voices to this cartoon about Mork enrolling in high school under orders from Orson.
Cavalcade of Awesome 