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The Movie Board: Worst movies of 2009

Posted in Academy Awards, movies, Oscars, reviews with tags Academy Awards, Movie Board, movie reviews, movies, Oscars, reviews on January 13, 2010 by Paxton

Okay, on Tuesday, you saw my favorite movies of 2009. These were all the movies I really enjoyed and will probably watch multiple times. Now, it’s time to look at what I think were the worst movies of 2009.

What makes a bad movie for me, for the most part, is disappointment because of expectations. I expect to really enjoy the movie because of a funny trailer or an interesting story and the movie doesn’t live up to those expectations. Those are the movies that go on this list. There are movies like Crank or Fast & Furious that you would expect to be on here, but let’s be honest, those movies are supposed to be bad. They are awful for a reason. Plus they are fun-awful, not awful-awful.

Before we get started, take a look back at previous years’ lists with my worst movies of 2007 and my worst movies of 2008 articles.

So here are the movies I was most disappointed with this year. Honestly, I could only come up with four. I really had a hard time putting together this list. There were a lot of good movies this year. Here are the movies I really didn’t like.

Men Who Stare At Goats – This was a very disappointing movie for me. The trailer was awesome, however they pretty much showed every single punchline for every single funny scene in the trailer. EVERY SINGLE ONE. The rest of the movie was an awkwardly quirky ride that was neither funny nor interesting. So by the time I saw the movie, every funny event was spoiled and that made me not care about the rest of the movie. So many good actors, so much wasted potential. And, to whomever cut the trailer, thank you for ruining this movie for me, d-bag.

Gamer – This movie had so much promise. Gerard Butler as a prisoner fighting in some type of corporate war games run by Michael C Hall? Oh, and Gerard Butler is being controlled remotely by a video game user played by the kid who’s going to be the lead in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians movie? Yes, please. However this movie BLEW. It was weird, there wasn’t enough action or humor and the mechanics of the video war games Gerard Butler’s character participates in came and went depending on what was needed in the story. Michael C Hall was good but his character was off the charts weird. This was just a bad movie based on a very solid premise.

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The Movie Board: My favorite movies of 2009

Posted in Academy Awards, movies, Oscars, reviews, sequels, Star Trek with tags Academy Awards, Movie Board, movies, Oscars, reviews, sequels, Star Trek on January 12, 2010 by Paxton

Okay, everyone. We are finally here. We are at the point where I glance up at my 2009 Movie Board and try to figure out what were my favorite movies of 2009. For those scoring at home, here’s the Movie Board for this year:

As you can see, I saw 53 movies that were released in 2009 (and therefore are eligible for the Oscars). Some of those movies were in the theater (the majority of them, actually) and some were at home on Blu-Ray. That’s 4.42 movies per month. Up from last year. Also, I was able to top 50 movies for the first time since 2007. So, I’m excited about that. Last year my total was 49, so I was a bit irked I didn’t make it. This year, I’m back, baby!

For those just joining us this year, or for those that like reliving the past, check out my favorite movie picks in my Movie Board articles for 2007 and 2008. I myself like to look back every year before I write this article, just to get in the movie pickin’ mood.

This was a really good year for movies. I saw a metric TON of good flicks in 2009. I really had a hard time getting this list down to my favorite movies of the year. As usual, I’m just picking my favorite five. My own personal “best” list. You may agree, you may disagree. Regardless, I’m right, so pipe down and prepare to be told what 5 movies rocked my world this year.

Okay, 2009 movies, let’s do this.

Star Trek – Blew my ass away. I’d take a picture of my ass to prove it to you, but you wouldn’t see anything but a blank space, because it was BLOWN AWAY. I saw this movie twice in theaters because I had my ass kicked so incredibly hard the first time, I had to go back to be sure it wasn’t an illusion. And it wasn’t. I laughed and cried (yes, I f’n cried) at all the exact same spots on both viewings. Then, my dad gave me the movie for Xmas and I watched it again on Blu-Ray and was reduced to a blubbering, laughing mess for a THIRD TIME. THIS MOVIE IS FANTASTIC. I can’t place this movie high enough on the list to get across how much I love this movie. JJ Abrams gets it. Orci and Kurtzman get it. The actors get it. This movie was Star Trek, warts and all. I know some people were bitching about the plot holes and time travel, but I invite those haters to SHUT THEIR CHEETOS HOLES. If you have watched any of the original series episodes from the ’60s (which I’ve been doing) then this movie fits right in. I put this movie up there with Wrath of Khan and Undiscovered Country as my favorite Star Trek movie. I balled when George Kirk died. I laughed and pumped my fist when Kirk beats the Kobayashi-Maru. I marveled at the final battle with Nero. I couldn’t have asked for a better Star Trek movie. PERIOD. Best. Movie. This. Year. Take that to the bank, haters.

District 9 – I read a lot of the press for this movie before it opened. A small sci-fi film from South Africa produced by Peter Jackson and written/directed by a little known but talented guy named Neill Blomkamp. I knew most of the movie is done in a mock documentary style about aliens that have come to Earth. That’s about all I knew, but it looked like a really clever idea and I was excited to see it. I had no idea what I was in for. Fantastic. This movie blends CGI, practical effects and live action in an unbelievably seamless way. The aliens are all CGI, but they are REAL. This is no Jar Jar Binks, my friends. Also, even though it’s only used for the first 2/3 of the movie, the mockumentary structure really works. This is just a wonderful sci-fi movie. Some of the movie review guys on the Internets that I respect even put this in their best of the year. Devin over at CHUD put it #4 in his top 15 of the year and both Massawyrm and Harry Knowles over at Aint It Cool News put it #1 on their lists. I absolutely agree. This movie deserves to be seen. It’s awesome. I can’t recommend it enough. Hopefully we’ll see a nomination for Special Effects as well as Best Screenplay (fingers crossed).

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Christmas Reading List 2009 book reviews

Posted in books, Christmas, holiday, reviews with tags Book Report, books, Christmas, holiday, reviews on December 23, 2009 by Paxton

Each year, around November, I create a reading list of Christmas books that I want to read for the coming Christmas season. I like having holiday themed books to read during the actual holiday. Last year I read five or six books for Christmas. A good amount of books in a month for me, but I planned a little bit more ahead that year, plus several of the stories were very short. This year, I had so much other stuff to read, I couldn’t match last year’s output. It’s also getting tougher to find good holiday themed books because the majority of Christmas themed mysteries are geared more towards middle aged women. They have a woman sleuth (which I don’t mind) and many times offer recipes for cookies and cakes with the story (which I do mind). I even found one Christmas mystery murder book that had an all female construction crew as the focus of the story. AN ALL FEMALE CONSTRUCTION CREW. Needless to say, this is not something I personally want to read. So I continue to Google endless variations of “Best Christmas mysteries” to come up with my holiday reading list.

So, after much searching, I was able to track down three holiday books this year that I found interesting and I offer you my reviews.

The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle (A Sherlock Holmes Mystery) by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle – One of Doyle’s short stories featuring the titular detective. This particular mystery takes place right around Christmas day. One of Holmes’ acquaintances discovers a priceless blue gem in the crop of a Christmas goose. Holmes must first discover what the mysterious blue gem is and then detect how it came to be in the neck of the goose. This story is short, but it’s one of Doyle’s best Holmes stories. I had forgotten that I read it back in high school. The opening scene between Homes and Watson has always stuck with me; Holmes studies a discarded hat, and from this hat, he rattles off a laundry list of deductions about the hat owner. It’s pretty cool and when I think Sherlock Holmes, I think of this scene. Holmes follows his deductions backwards and with a bit of luck, discovers the mystery of the gem. Much like Agatha Christie’s A Christmas Tragedy (which I read last year), this story has a very tenuous connection to Christmas, but this story works so much better than Christie’s short story. I’ve loved Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories since high school and I’m very happy to see they are still solid reads, unlike the aforementioned Agatha Christie (whose work is less interesting now that I’m older). I highly recommend not only this story, but much of Doyle’s Holmes stories (however, beware of Sherlock Holmes stories written by other authors as the quality is highly uneven).

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8 “Christmas” movies that have nothing to do with Christmas

Posted in Christmas, holiday, movies, pop culture, reviews with tags Christmas, holiday, movies, pop culture, reviews on December 11, 2009 by Paxton

I was thinking about un-Christmas movies the other day. What’s an un-Christmas movie? It’s a movie that doesn’t really have anything to do with the holiday season, but just happens to take place during the holiday season. Hollywood loves to associate movies to something that’s popular, like Christmas, but only do it in a tangential way.

So here are 8 movies that take place during the Christmas holiday but the movie plots themselves have really nothing to do with the holiday season. For all we know, the movie could have taken place on Arbor Day.

Reindeer Games – Yes, that one Ben Affleck movie with Charlize Theron. Based on the title you’d think the movie would center on some elaborate Christmas heist. In actuality, the plot centers on Ben Affleck’s character stealing his dead friend’s identity, sleeping with said friend’s girlfriend and a casino heist by that guy on CSI: New York. Oh, and CSI guy may or may not be the brother/lover of Charlize Theron’s character. The fact that this movie happens during Christmas time is almost irrelevant.

Long Kiss Goodnight – This was actually a pretty good movie starring Gina Davis as a housewife who finds out she used to be an elite assassin but lost her memory during a botched job (a la Jason Bourne). Did you remember that the movie takes place during Christmas? That’s why it’s an Un-Christmas movie.

First Blood – This movie is a heartwarming story about a renegade special forces soldier slaughtering police officers in the woods while the town of Hope quietly celebrates the holiday season. What? You didn’t remember that this movie takes place during the holiday season? I guess Rambo violently murdering hillbilly cops kinda distracted you. The sheriff’s office has a tree and some lights as does the town itself. Merry Christmas, Sheriff…IN HELL!!!

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Ninja Day 2009: Movie review of Ninja Assassin

Posted in holiday, movies, Ninja Day, ninjas, pop culture, reviews with tags holiday, Ninja Day, ninjas, pop culture, reviews on December 5, 2009 by Paxton

YES! Today, is Ninja Day, my friends! Finally, I wait all year to don the black pajamas and stalk around my neighborhood without getting arrested. The time is nigh!!

Yesterday, I talked about what makes a bad ass ninja, BAD ASS. Today, I’m going to talk about ninjas and the movies. There has been a long history of US ninja movies, but those have MOSTLY died out here in the US since the late ’80s. I loved all of those movies, roughly 90% of which starred the awesome, Sho Kosugi. However, despite some fairly recent movies having ninjas in them (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Elektra) there haven’t really been any ninja-centric movies in the last few years. This past Thanksgiving changed that trend with the release of the movie, Ninja Assassin. In honor of Ninja Day, I saw this movie and would like to review it.

So, the movie opens up with a pretty intense scene. You see these young Asian “gangster” types hanging out in their hideout playing pool and drinking. The leader is getting a tattoo and complaining about the needle hurting and being kind of a bitch about it. The crusty old dude giving the tattoo essentially says, maybe you aren’t man enough to get this tattoo. The young Asian leader of course pulls this ridiculously large pistol (fully plated in gold, mind you) and threatens to paint the ceiling with the crusty old guy’s brains. At this point, even people from space can see where this is headed. And after the delivery of a wax sealed envelope filled with black sand, every single one of the young toughs are systematically slaughtered in the most intensely violent ways. The first guy literally has half his head torn off by a blade flying so fast you only see the blur. And that’s how everyone else dies. You see mostly the dark blurs (ninja) and silvery blurs (ninja stars) as they reduce everyone in the room to a bloody pile of limbs. It’s fast, violent and every bit as balls out awesome as you think it’s going to be.

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