Allright, last week I gave you my 5 favorite movies of 2007. Now it’s time to unleash upon your delicate sensibilities the 5 worst movies I saw in 2007. Be warned, these movies are bad. Some of them may be bad enough that I’ll recommend watching them, but only for the bold. Do you have the stones to sit through 2 hours of crap? We’ll see.
Here they are in no particular order:
Kicking it Old Skool– You’ll find that most movies on this list are here because they had a ton of potential, but completely squandered it. This movie has a funny premise; Jamie Kennedy is an elementary school break dancing king in the early ’80s. During a particularly dangerous move, he falls and is put in a coma for 20 years. When he wakes up he has to adjust to the fact that all his friends have grown up and break dancing is no longer cool. Classic fish-out-of-water premise using the ’80s and break dancing. I love it. Except the movie is terrible. Almost unwatchable. The best part of the movie is about 5-10 min in. Jamie Kennedy’s doctor is played by Alan Ruck (Cameron Frye in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). Ruck’s character in this movie is named Doctor Frye and he even mentions paying off his father’s Ferrari. Steph and I about died. Great stunt cameo, this movie is gonna rock, right? Wrong. DEAD wrong. STAY AWAY.
Shoot ’em Up– This looked so good in the trailer. Clive Owen is a mysterious “nanny” that gets caught up helping a woman and a baby escape hired killers. It looked like a cross between Pulp Fiction and Lucky Number Slevin; lots of action and funny dialogue. Well, this movie is weird. Monica Belucci plays a prostitute who lets grown men breast feed from her. Paul Giamatti plays a hitman with an overbearing wife. The dialogue is ridiculous. I had serious issues staying “in the movie” if you get what I’m saying. Just weird, with a few good action scenes. This is here mostly because it should have been much, MUCH better.
Knocked Up– Oh Seth Rogan, you magnificent bastard. What happened here? The cast for this movie is pretty much part and parcel from the very funny TV show Underclassmen (if you remember the 1 season it ran back in the early ’90s). Seth Rogan is on a roll lately and the premise seemed amusing. However, Seth and his friends in this movie are lame. Seth’s character is even somewhat of an A-hole. Katherine Heigl’s character is a little witchy (with a ‘b’). I could not laugh at this movie because the whole thing is so tragically sad. Paul Rudd saved the 5 minutes of the movie he appeared in. Other than that, I say go see Superbad instead. I really wanted to like this one, too.
Santa Claus (1960) – This is, hands-down, one of the wackiest, most insane movies ever put to film. Don’t let the cute, twinkle eyed Santa on the poster fool you. In this movie Santa lives in a castle that sits on the clouds (!) with Merlin. Yes, THAT Merlin. He uses a giant telescope to spy on the children of Earth. He also has hundreds of kids stashed away in this castle building him toys. It’s like a Nike sweatshop in the clouds. The kids are all from different countries, and their workstations are labeled as such with signs saying “America”, “Jamaica”, “China”, etc (so, actually, it’s more like United Colors of Benetton in a Nike sweatshop). It’s surreal. And the main conflict of this movie? Santa vs the Devil. Yes, THAT Devil. All for the soul of a poor little girl named Lupita. I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of this maniacal map of insanity. You can actually buy this DVD 
While watching a movie or one of our multitude of tv shows we watch each week my wife and I started discussing things we felt we’ve learned from all of this Hollywood entertainment we love so much. We came up with some good ones and I thought I’d share with everyone. I’ll post these every once in a while when the wife and I can come up with them. For now, here’s the first batch of little life nuggets that movie and tv shows teach all of us.
Lazlo Hollyfeld (movie, Real Genius) – How do you know you are pretty smart? An entire school of geniuses call you a genius, that’s how. That’s the position of one Lazlo Hollyfeld. After graduating Pacific Tech in the ’70s he retreats to an impressive secret laboratory we have to assume he built in the bowels of the school to…..well, they never actually say what he does down there. He helps some students reprogram the trajectory of a military laser to fire on the house of a professor. How cool is that? He’s become an urban legend around that school and that’s cool enough to put him on this list.
Wyatt Donnelly (movie, Weird Science) – He built a chick with his computer and a Barbie doll. I say it again, HE BUILT A CHICK WITH HIS COMPUTER AND A BARBIE DOLL. Move to the front of the line, Wyatt.
Mr. Universe (movie, Serenity) – The ultimate in paranoid genius. This guy holes up in his hidden headquarters spying on everyone else. He has hookups to every government net and news feed in the universe (hence his moniker). He also built a robot as a girlfriend and then married it. I guess genius is a double edged sword.
Luther Stickell (movie, Mission: Impossible) – The Net Ranger. Phineas Phreak. This is the only man alive that has hacked NATO Ghostcom. That’s impressive and I don’t even know what NATO Ghostcom is. Although, as Luther will point out, there was no evidence he had anything to do with that. He’s the Shaft of computer programmers. He’ll hack your computer, steal your identity and bank accounts, then beat you down for looking at him funny. He’s one bad mutha….SHUT YO MOUTH!
Marshall Flinkman (tv show, Alias) – Mr. Flinkman is a total computer geek. He loves gadgets and he is really good as the head tech at spy shop SD-6. However, he’s not always the most socially adept person in the room. When explaining the gadgets for the current mission he tends to get a little excited and might either a) branch WAY off topic or b) get WAY too technical. He did put his life on the line in several missions so he’s got some spy cred.
Chloe O’Brian (tv show, 24) – Chloe is the only person (let alone a chick) who can backtalk Jack Bauer and not come away with a hole in her leg, kneecap or chest. For that reason alone, she belongs on this list. Oh that and she’s sick with a computer. Need to break an unbreakable encryption in less than 5min? Call Chloe. Need to maneuver government satellites to a new position immediately? Call Chloe. Need to pull data off some electronic device that has been fried, shot up or destroyed? Call Chloe. She can do it all and treat you with complete and utter disdain at the same time. That’s so hot.
Stanley Jobson (movie, Swordfish) – Stanley might be the best looking and most in-shape computer programmer since, well…..me. His interview with Gabriel (John Travolta) in the club is proof that Stanley has got SKILLZ. Why doesn’t this ever happen to me?
Lyle (movie, Italian Job) – Lyle roomed with Napster creator Shawn Fanning in college where he claims Fanning stole the idea for Napster from him. Because of this, he will only answer to “The Real Napster”. As the tech brains of the crew, Lyle hacked into LA’s Dept of Transportation in order to change the lighting of the traffic signals to lead their target armored car exactly where they wanted it to go. In the end, all the boy wanted was enough money to buy a set of speakers so loud they blow women’s clothes off. A noble goal, my friend. A noble goal indeed.
David Lightman (movie, War Games) – One of the original gangsters of computer programming. You see the computer he used and what he did with it? He hacked his school, a computer gaming company and the US government, all with a computer that, today, would be akin to using an abacus to do your taxes. And he hooked up with Ally Sheedy when she was cute.
Kevin Flynn (movie, Tron) – Mr. Flynn was Neo before there was a Matrix. Flynn was so good his company, ENCOM, stole his video game designs, made millions off them, and then fired him. He has been trying to hack into their system ever since. He got sucked into the world of computers and was treated as a God. That’s gotta do a number on your ego.
Cavalcade of Awesome 