Cavalcade of Awesome

I gave you the best movies I saw in 2013, now it’s time for the worst movies.

Battleship (2012) – I thought this movie was going to be awesome. And some of the alien tech is pretty awesome.  But Taylor Kitsch can’t carry a movie.  Plus his character in this is terrible.  How did a f**k up go from being almost arrested for breaking and entering to being forced into joining the Navy instead of going to jail (what? they do that?)  to becoming a COMMANDING OFFICER on a nuclear battleship only 2 years later?  Does the career path of the Navy work that way? Retarded. This movie is BAD. And not in a good way.  Liam Neeson is WASTED and Brooklyn Decker is HOT.  This movie would have been so much better if they had let Kitch’s character’s brother be the lead.  Well, it would have been slightly better.

Rock of Ages (2012) – On paper, this movie was tailor-made for me. A movie based on a hit Broadway show? Check, I’m in.  An awesome soundtrack with 80s era rock and metal? Touche. Tom Cruise? Alec Baldwin? Julianne Hough? Paul Giamatti? Malin Ackerman? BRYAN CRANSTON?! Well played, Rock of Ages.  Well played.  You’ve pretty much hit most of my buttons.  Too bad you squandered all that good will with a terrible goddam movie.  And I LIKE musicals.  Performances were bad on both sides (acting/singing). Story was dumb and weird. I really had a tough time making it through this movie. Check out the horribly awkward Alec Baldwin/Russell Brand number that completely redefines REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling”.  I really wanted to like this.  I thought I was going to LOVE it.  I was wrong.  Sooooooo wrong.

Alex Cross (2012) – I’m not what one would call “a fan” of Mr Perry. However, the idea of Matthew Fox as the bad guy is excellent and I thought the trailer looked REALLY good. Again, I was wrong (becoming a pattern). Holy sh*t this movie is a f**king mess.  First of all, Perry doesn’t convincingly play “tough” or “bad ass”, which he needs to do by the end of the movie.  Matthew Fox’s villain is shown in the movie to be this bad ass, ruthless MMA fighter.  He enjoys inflicting pain and he seems to be very good at it.  I’m supposed to believe that puffy Tyler Perry is going to go toe-to-toe with Matthew Fox in a fistfight…AND WIN?!  No, no I don’t think so.  And F**K YOU movie for thinking that is a even remotely plausible.

Escape Plan (2013) – I went back and forth with this one. Honestly, this is a bad movie. The dialogue is terrible and the acting is as well. Curtis Jackson (50 Cent) is embarrassingly bad in his 2 or 3 scenes. However, this movie, for me, is in the “so bad it’s good” category for 1 reason; Arnie and Sly. The fact these two guys are in it, together, make it worth the price of admission. Even though the movie is garbage. Just watch the scene where Sly and Arnie’s characters first meet in the prison. The dialogue is incomprehensible. It’s like they just started filming and told them to “say stuff”.  This movie would be great to get all your buddies together with some pizza, beer and cocktails and just do nothing but make fun of the action onscreen.  It’s terrible, yes, but fun.  Something I can’t say about the other three movies on this list.