Being a comedy contributor at Cracked.com like being repeatedly punched in the crotch until you die
Hey, everyone, I don’t know if everybody knows this, but I was accepted as a comedy writer/contributor at Cracked.com. That means I get to make comedy pitches to the Cracked editors and if they accept my pitch, I get to write the article. It was a huge deal for me to be accepted as a writer there and I’ve been stoked to submit pitches to them in the hopes that I can start writing comedy somewhat “professionally”. It’s interesting to see how that website and it’s editors work behind the scenes. They have strict rules about what they accept and I’ve had several comedy pitches turned down by the editors. The editors liked my pitches, but the article format at Cracked is a vicious beast, and I was told the content didn’t fit what they are trying to do. Not to be deterred, I’m taking these failed pitches, writing them anyway and posting them here.
I’ve posted two failed Cracked pitches already without telling you. The articles 15 Steps for Surviving the Zombie Apocolypse and Little Women Fight Club: Making Literature more Awesome were both pitches that were turned down by Cracked.com. If you haven’t, go read those articles and let me know that they are awesome and that Cracked can “suck it”. Because I thought the ideas were good anyway, I wrote them and posted them up for you guys to see. This week’s article is another failed comedy pitch (either I’m not very good at comedy writing or Cracked.com is just not a good fit for me). It’s a re-imagining of an earlier article I wrote about Pop Culture’s Coolest Time Machines. Think of this third failed Cracked article as the previous article’s evil twin brother.
So, I think the frequency of my pitches to Cracked are going to stop for the time being. All the rejects these past few months were kind of getting me down and I was not even wanting to write on this blog. But, I’ve built a bridge, gotten over it, and now I’m back kicking your ass with AWESOME!! Never fear, I’m still here, bringing you the awesome funny that will melt your face into a puddle of sticky goo.
Be prepared, readers. Be prepared.
Oh, and I still go over to Cracked and read their articles because they do have a phenomenally talented stable of writers and their stuff is constantly funny, hence me wanting to join their ranks. I hold no ill will, and I’m still going to try to get stuff published over there, but not as hard as I’ve been trying since January. My focus is writing for this blog and keeping it as cool and awesome as a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the grill.
Cavalcade of Awesome 
July 20, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Oh Paxton–what would I do without your Awesomeness? “bringing you the awesome funny that will melt your face into a puddle of sticky goo.” Seriously. Cracked can suck it. Never actually browsed over there, but I’ll take your word.
You’ve got to do more advertising, my friend–too many people are missing out on your awesomeness. How many times can I use that word without getting slapped by the awesome police?
July 21, 2009 at 8:42 am
Trish, on this site, you get slapped by the awesome police when you don’t use the word AWESOME. I actually have to stop myself from using it every other word. Sometimes the first drafts of my articles look like this:
July 21, 2009 at 8:42 am
Oh, and Trish, you are too kind. Thank you very much for the nice words. 🙂
July 21, 2009 at 9:25 am
Crack’d, my friend, can indeed suck it!
July 21, 2009 at 9:58 am
Well…if they’re not accepting your pitches than Cracked isn’t all that it’s “cracked” up to be. I know, I know…I went for the lame joke. Seriously though, you write some funny articles. I wouldn’t sweat it. We all enjoy what you do around here, Mr. Awesome.
July 21, 2009 at 11:27 am
Thanks, Deb. I hope everyone enjoys what I try to do here.
July 21, 2009 at 10:30 am
You want to talk about bringing the awesome:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Expendables_(2010_film)
All they needed was JCVD, and this movie would have been complete.
July 21, 2009 at 11:29 am
Yes, Mike, I agree, that movie looks BAD ASS. I can not WAIT to see it. I am much more excited about The Expendables than I am about Inglorious Basterds.
July 21, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Um, are you crazy? Inglorious Bastards looks ridiculously awesome. Both hubby and I were drooling over the preview we saw the other day. Um, although I say all of this without having seen anything about The Expendables.
July 21, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Haha! Trish, I wasn’t trying to say I’m not looking forward to Inglorious Basterds, but I’m just looking MORE forward to The Expendables.
July 21, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Cracked can definitely SUCK IT!
July 28, 2009 at 2:15 pm
congrats bruther!
July 29, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Merci, Armpit. 🙂
July 28, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Paxton-
Saw your flickr Cracked covers which took me back… and here. I designed most of those covers and created Cracked Monster Party and am the ‘Eel O’Brian’ of the Uggly Family. Glad to see one of the readers enjoyed it and grew up to become a productive adult!
July 29, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Holy crap! Mort Todd just visited my blog?! Pardon me while I scream like a Japanese girl at a manga convention.
Mort, thank you for stopping by. I loved Cracked and I totally remember you from my days of reading the magazine.
October 13, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Cracked.com rules,ur just upset because u cant get accepted,and Trish,try researching something before u say u dislike,how can u hate expendibles or cracked.com if u never look at them?idiot….
October 13, 2009 at 4:17 pm
If you had actually read the article you would see that I do in fact still like Cracked.com and that I still visit the site pretty much everyday. I was only lamenting the fact that I had nothing approved for publication. But there are literally hundreds of other writers also vying for a spot on the site, so it’s a bit crowded in the writer’s room.
Thanks for playing, sir.
April 30, 2012 at 12:21 am
please dont feel bad, i can’t even figure how to post a response to their stupid forum thread! must go know i heard that cool people are sticking pennies in electrical outlets and me want to try!
May 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm
I also wish to try and write for Cracked. I have a few ideas that I haven’t pitched yet.
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