Cavalcade of Awesome

Okay, here we are for the second installment of this year’s Movie Board. However, unlike my favorites, I’m not exclusively going off my Movie Board. I’ll be selecting from all the movies I watched in 2011, not just those released in 2011. If you want to see a complete list of the movies I watched, check out my movie log on Google Spreadsheet. Just click the 2011 tab.

Now, without further ado, here are the worst movies I watched in 2011.

Twilight Eclipse – This was released in 2010, but I watched the DVD when it came out in 2011. What can I say that my review back in March didn’t say? This movie is terrible. More disappointing than the terribleness of this movie is the fact that there was definite potential. A war between the vampires and werewolves. A new vampire, Riley, that is gathering a vampire army. Potential. That is wasted. For more melodramatic romantic BS between the most dysfunctional couple ever; Bella and Edward.  Either kill this series or just kill me.  I don’t care which.

Machete – Another movie with truckloads of missed potential. First of all, I’m not in love with Danny Trejo like the rest of the geek world seems to be. Trejo should have proved me wrong with this movie, but he didn’t. He just proved to me that he needs to keep doing his awesome character roles like Navajas the assassin in Desperado or Johnny23 in Con Air.  Stay away from lead roles.  Trejo felt very one note.  I just didn’t believe him to be the bad ass the movie wanted and needed him to be.  Great idea for a movie that was completely wasted.  And Jessica Alba, please stop making movies, please.  That is all.

Black Swan – Oh Darren Aronofsky, you terrible, terrible bastard. It all started in 1999 when I first saw Pi. The basic plot idea was good, but the movie was too convoluted and tough to follow. Next I decided to watch Requiem for a Dream in 2001. Ellen Burstyn was getting a lot of buzz for her role and Jennifer Connelly was supposedly in a big sex scene at the end. Unfortunately, again, the movie was convoluted, very, VERY dark and I felt like I needed a shower after watching it. And Connelly’s sex scene was at a point in the movie where you actually felt bad about watching it. I don’t want to feel shame when watching a Jennifer Connelly sex scene because I’ve been dreaming about it since Career Opportunities and The Rocketeer.  And the less said about The Fountain, the better. Anyway, now we come to Black Swan. Starring two of the hottest young ladies in Hollywood. And Aronofsky strikes again by making a hot lesbian scene featuring drunken, angry sex between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis not hot. You win, Sir Aronofsky. I am beaten.

Green Lantern – At first, I was reluctant to put this movie here.  However, the more I think about it, the more I come to grips with the fact that it’s not good. Going into Green Lantern was very similar to going into the Thor movie for me. I never read either of these heroes’ comics and therefore was never really a fan of either.  It was up to the movies to make me a fan. Thor succeeded. Green Lantern just made me sad.  Again, the theme is lost potential.  And boy howdy was Blake Lively f**king terrible in this movie.  WTF?!  They should have stuck with Hal’s training on Oa, featured more of the Green Lantern Corps and cut out all of Hector Hammond.  Keep it all in space.  Now I’ll probably never get my Flash movie.  Unless Christopher Nolan all of a sudden decides he wants to do another awesome super hero trilogy by re-inventing a DC character.  Ryan Reynolds should have made the Deadpool movie before signing on to this underachieving film.

Do I have any honorable mentions? Sure, I’ll give you two.

Apollo 18
Priest

I don’t honestly care enough about the above two honorable mentions to even discuss what’s wrong with them. They are merely ‘Meh’.

This entry was posted on February 10, 2012 at 8:00 am and is filed under movies with tags Movie Board, movies, reviews, Twilight. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.