Hilariously Inappropriate Star Wars items

Star Wars Toy Galaxy

Star Wars is iconic. Almost all kids love it. Floppy haired ’70s kids. Neon wearing ’80s kids. Baseball cap tilted 20 degrees to the right ’90s kids. All of them. They have heard and love Star Wars (well, they’ve at least heard of it). It’s ubiquitous. With the metric tons of crap that is produced within the Star Wars brand, there is going to be a few missteps. Maybe quality control got drunk and fell asleep on the job, maybe someone just got a little greedy, maybe the Lucasfilm execs are nothing but perverts. For whatever reason, questionable products are released all the time. Here are 5 of the most inappropriate Star Wars toys meant for children.

C3PO error card
Topps Star Wars movie card #207 — This is probably the most well known of the “vaguely obscene” Star Wars items.  Take a look at this image of C3PO.  Take a goooooood look.  Right around the “bathing suit area”.  Hmmmm, what’s that?  I can’t quite………holy crap.  I guess this gives new meaning to the term “fully functional”.  Am I right?  Goldenrod, indeed!  You can click the image to make it bigger, if you are into that sort of thing (and are gross).

C3PO tape dispenser
C3PO tape dispenser — C3PO, dude, WTF?! Was the card above not inappropriate enough? Now kids are supposed to grab your “wheel” to get some tape? For once in your life, Threepio, show some dignity. I don’t think I can “unsee” any C3PO suppositories or  “body massagers” that come about because you are a media whore.

Jar Jar lollipop
Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth lollipop — Yes, you are seeing this.  It did happen. A Jar Jar Binks head with a lollipop tongue. A.  CANDY.  TONGUE.  Are images of millions of kids French kissing the floppy Gungan from Episode I flying horrifically through your head?  Imagine Jar Jar saying, “Want some candy kids? All you gotta do is give Jar Jar a liiiiiiiiiiiittle kiss…that’s all. Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret.” **creepy wink**

Star Wars coloring book 1
Star Wars coloring book drawing — Wait…what…is…Leia…doi–?!  Oh my.  Kinda gives “who’s your daddy” a few more levels of horrific subtext, don’t you think?  This couldn’t have been intentional, but it’s almost too perfect NOT to be. You know? It’s a page from the Friends of the Force coloring book.  More like “Friends with Benefits of the Force”.

Jabba costume
Jabba the Hut costume — Hey this isn’t so bad. I wonder why I put…..wait a sec.  If I tilt my head a bit and kinda close one eye, it seems that Jabba resembles…well…ummmmm.  Okaaaaay.  That image won’t be getting out of my head anytime soon.

Okay everyone. Normalcy stops right here, right now. AWESOME-tober-fest begins next week. Starting next week through the month of October, I’ll be posting spooky and scary articles. Are you prepared? No? I don’t care, it’s happening anyway. Suck it, hater. See you next week when I kick off AWESOME-tober-fest 2009!!!


22 Responses to “Hilariously Inappropriate Star Wars items”

  1. Wow, that is some tape dispenser. C-3PO has some good times comin’ .

  2. givenchance Says:

    yes, Star Wars have many interesting and unusual creatures. the fantasy of creators amazes! Maybe taht is why this film has so many fans all over the world? people always like everything unusual and funny.

  3. I’m wondering if there will ever be lightsabre dildos. That seems like a whole untapped region of marketing.

  4. Pax, you forgot about the Star Wars Condoms from Japan. Don’t go into battle without your lightsaber protected.

  5. You know, from those two C3PO items above and my unfortunate memories of Anthony Daniels spanking costume contest contestants at Dragon Con a few years ago I think I’ve had all fond childhood memories of the golden worry wart completely tarnished (pun most certainly intended.)

  6. Frances Bean Says:

    Is it wrong that this article made me horny?

  7. theprettyproject Says:

    OMG! The Montsre Mouth Lollipops are the WORST! Haaaa! 🙂


  8. Kudos! this is funny!

  9. I really want this tape dispenser.

  10. Odd that this should be a new discovery – I first thought Jabba the Hutt to be a bit on the phallic side as soon as Leia started, ahem, choking him with the chain in the movie itself….

  11. I must get the recent star wars theme on my Tom Tom GPS. Looks like It is wonderful!

  12. Yeah, the Jar-Jar lollipop was just weird enough for me to want to try, until I thought about how one might eat it.

    Naturally, I put it back on the shelf, and just kept on walking.

  13. I love the recently released star wars adidas film. It definitely made me laugh.

  14. Did you read about the thief in NY dressed up as Darth Vader who held up a bank? Sounds like the beginning of a gag but it was true!

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