Cavalcade of Awesome

Star Wars is iconic. Almost all kids love it. Floppy haired ’70s kids. Neon wearing ’80s kids. Baseball cap tilted 20 degrees to the right ’90s kids. All of them. They have heard and love Star Wars (well, they’ve at least heard of it). It’s ubiquitous. With the metric tons of crap that is produced within the Star Wars brand, there is going to be a few missteps. Maybe quality control got drunk and fell asleep on the job, maybe someone just got a little greedy, maybe the Lucasfilm execs are nothing but perverts. For whatever reason, questionable products are released all the time. Here are 5 of the most inappropriate Star Wars toys meant for children.

Topps Star Wars movie card #207 — This is probably the most well known of the “vaguely obscene” Star Wars items.  Take a look at this image of C3PO.  Take a goooooood look.  Right around the “bathing suit area”.  Hmmmm, what’s that?  I can’t quite………holy crap.  I guess this gives new meaning to the term “fully functional”.  Am I right?  Goldenrod, indeed!  You can click the image to make it bigger, if you are into that sort of thing (and are gross).

C3PO tape dispenser — C3PO, dude, WTF?! Was the card above not inappropriate enough? Now kids are supposed to grab your “wheel” to get some tape? For once in your life, Threepio, show some dignity. I don’t think I can “unsee” any C3PO suppositories or  “body massagers” that come about because you are a media whore.

Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth lollipop — Yes, you are seeing this.  It did happen. A Jar Jar Binks head with a lollipop tongue. A.  CANDY.  TONGUE.  Are images of millions of kids French kissing the floppy Gungan from Episode I flying horrifically through your head?  Imagine Jar Jar saying, “Want some candy kids? All you gotta do is give Jar Jar a liiiiiiiiiiiittle kiss…that’s all. Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret.” **creepy wink**

Star Wars coloring book drawing — Wait…what…is…Leia…doi–?!  Oh my.  Kinda gives “who’s your daddy” a few more levels of horrific subtext, don’t you think?  This couldn’t have been intentional, but it’s almost too perfect NOT to be. You know? It’s a page from the Friends of the Force coloring book.  More like “Friends with Benefits of the Force”.

Jabba the Hut costume — Hey this isn’t so bad. I wonder why I put…..wait a sec.  If I tilt my head a bit and kinda close one eye, it seems that Jabba resembles…well…ummmmm.  Okaaaaay.  That image won’t be getting out of my head anytime soon.

Okay everyone. Normalcy stops right here, right now. AWESOME-tober-fest begins next week. Starting next week through the month of October, I’ll be posting spooky and scary articles. Are you prepared? No? I don’t care, it’s happening anyway. Suck it, hater. See you next week when I kick off AWESOME-tober-fest 2009!!!

This entry was posted on September 23, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under humor, movies, pop culture, Star Wars with tags movies, pop culture, Star Wars. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.