It’s Ninja Day 2008!!!
That’s right, it’s that time of the year once again. December 5th. The Day of the Ninja. Today is a day to celebrate the lethal, the invisible, the AWESOME…Ninja.
Many people ask me what it’s like to be a ninja. Really, being a ninja is just like being a normal person, except faster and more awesome. People also want to know if just by being a bad ass ninja do I get out of many fights or, every once in a while, do I get to deliver a glorious and spectacular ninja death unto some poor soul’s sorry ass. The answer is, I get to deliver ninja justice onto people everyday. Sometimes multiple times in a day. Let’s take a look at a few of the attacks I see on a daily basis.
So, I was walking down the street, shirtless, minding my own business; petting stray kittens and helping old ladies across the street, when a shirtless karate warrior tried to attack me. As you may know, karate and ninja warriors are much too awesome for shirts, this is why we tend to go without. If a fight breaks out, we need to be able to bust out a kill move without being hindered by a 100% cotton chest covering (no matter how comfortable it is). Anyway, this guy who attacked is obviously no match for me, a bad ass ninja master. I ninja blocked his weak punch and was getting ready to deliver the devastating Iron Monkey Claw to his exposed solar plexus when some paparazzi snapped this picture (they are constantly following me). Obviously this attacker is not used to paparazzi flashes going off during an intense ninja battle, so he paused to look at the flash (It even looks like he’s posing a bit!). That was his fatal mistake. Iron Monkey Claw – 1. Poor bastard who attacked a ninja – 0. After stepping over the steaming pile of intestines on the street, I signed a few autographs, got a few phone numbers from some hotties and continued on my way to the screams of “We Love You, Ninja” and “You Are Too Deadly…and Awesome!” and “I Can’t Look Away From Your Awesomeness!”
Another day I was innocently browsing a curio shop (notice the nice curios on the shelf behind me) when another shirtless warrior jumps out from behind an antique desk and tries to get the drop on me. I was not shirtless for this fight (which is rare), but right before this particular picture was taken the warrior ripped my shirt off in a move designed to stun me. This was his fatal mistake because not only do I look fantastic without my shirt, I fight better in less clothes (among other things, am I right, ladies?). Check out my far-out ’70s medallion. I use it to distract my opponents. This distraction allowed me to execute the Flamingo Double Block and that, of course, would have led into my patented move, the Reverse Screaming Pinwheel Flip-kick. Now, understand, I don’t perform the RSPFK very often. It’s exhausting. AWESOME beyond all comprehension…but exhausting. However, this was a special occasion, I had to finish this fight quickly as I was in line waiting to pay for a framed art print and didn’t want to lose my place. I’ll tell you this, that shop keeper is gonna have a hell of a time finding that warrior’s spine. And his pancreas. Sorry about that curio shop owner.
Here I am at the secret ninja gym. I go here when I need to spar with fellow ninjas. I’m doing a typical ninja split move that is mostly done to impress the ladies. Jean Claude Van Damme stole it from us. I invented a wicked ninja attack based on this move. I call it the “Red River” technique. Wherever I am, I jump into the splits, speak a few mystic words, do a few hand gestures and BAM! three quarts of blood immediately drop out of my opponent’s body. It’s ridiculously awesome to watch, but the clean up is not fun. I also do the ninja splits when I’m driving my car or going to the bathroom.
Here I am sparring with Chuck Norris on the set of our movie, Roundhouse Kick to the Grill. Chuck and I are good friends, but thanks to the Random Chuck Norris facts, he gets a big head sometimes. While filming the movie we got into an argument about how his roundhouse kick is superior to my roundhouse kick (which is patently absurd). It got heated and Chuck tried to roundhouse kick me. Not only did I dodge it, but I reverse roundhouse scoop-kicked him so hard his stunt double died. And his mom. And three other guys who just happened to be standing there. Man, I got in trouble with the movie studio and insurance companies over that one.
So yes, as you see, being a ninja is pretty awesome. Of course you get attacked on the street by evil henchmen, random karate warriors and Chuck Norris on occasion, but it just gives you a chance to perform the Steel Dragon maneuver every once in a while. And that’s pretty sweet.
Enjoy Ninja Day everyone.
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