It’s Ninja Day 2008!!!

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That’s right, it’s that time of the year once again.  December 5th.  The Day of the Ninja. Today is a day to celebrate the lethal, the invisible, the AWESOME…Ninja.

Regular readers know that this blog celebrates Ninja Day every year.  See last year hereAnd 2006 here.

Many people ask me what it’s like to be a ninja.  Really, being a ninja is just like being a normal person, except faster and more awesome.  People also want to know if just by being a bad ass ninja do I get out of many fights or, every once in a while, do I get to deliver a glorious and spectacular ninja death unto some poor soul’s sorry ass.  The answer is, I get to deliver ninja justice onto people everyday.  Sometimes multiple times in a day.  Let’s take a look at a few of the attacks I see on a daily basis.

Pax Enter the Dragon

So, I was walking down the street, shirtless, minding my own business; petting stray kittens and helping old ladies across the street, when a shirtless karate warrior tried to attack me.  As you may know, karate and ninja warriors are much too awesome for shirts, this is why we tend to go without.  If a fight breaks out, we need to be able to bust out a kill move without being hindered by a 100% cotton chest covering (no matter how comfortable it is).  Anyway, this guy who attacked is obviously no match for me, a bad ass ninja master.  I ninja blocked his weak punch and was getting ready to deliver the devastating Iron Monkey Claw to his exposed solar plexus when some paparazzi snapped this picture (they are constantly following me).  Obviously this attacker is not used to paparazzi flashes going off during an intense ninja battle, so he paused to look at the flash (It even looks like he’s posing a bit!).  That was his fatal mistake.  Iron Monkey Claw – 1.  Poor bastard who attacked a ninja – 0.  After stepping over the steaming pile of intestines on the street, I signed a few autographs, got a few phone numbers from some hotties and continued on my way to the screams of “We Love You, Ninja” and “You Are Too Deadly…and Awesome!” and “I Can’t Look Away From Your Awesomeness!”

pax_ninja_attack1

Another day I was innocently browsing a curio shop (notice the nice curios on the shelf behind me) when another shirtless warrior jumps out from behind an antique desk and tries to get the drop on me.  I was not shirtless for this fight (which is rare), but right before this particular picture was taken the warrior ripped my shirt off in a move designed to stun me.  This was his fatal mistake because not only do I look fantastic without my shirt, I fight better in less clothes (among other things, am I right, ladies?).  Check out my far-out ’70s medallion.  I use it to distract my opponents.  This distraction allowed me to execute the Flamingo Double Block and that, of course, would have led into my patented move, the Reverse Screaming Pinwheel Flip-kick.  Now, understand, I don’t perform the RSPFK very often.  It’s exhausting.  AWESOME beyond all comprehension…but exhausting.  However, this was a special occasion, I had to finish this fight quickly as I was in line waiting to pay for a framed art print and didn’t want to lose my place.  I’ll tell you this, that shop keeper is gonna have a hell of a time finding that warrior’s spine.  And his pancreas.  Sorry about that curio shop owner.

pax_ninja_splits

Here I am at the secret ninja gym.  I go here when I need to spar with fellow ninjas.  I’m doing a typical ninja split move that is mostly done to impress the ladies.  Jean Claude Van Damme stole it from us.  I invented a wicked ninja attack based on this move.  I call it the “Red River” technique.  Wherever I am, I jump into the splits, speak a few mystic words, do a few hand gestures and BAM! three quarts of blood immediately drop out of my opponent’s body.  It’s ridiculously awesome to watch, but the clean up is not fun.  I also do the ninja splits when I’m driving my car or going to the bathroom.

pax_ninja_chuck_norris

Here I am sparring with Chuck Norris on the set of our movie, Roundhouse Kick to the Grill.  Chuck and I are good friends, but thanks to the Random Chuck Norris facts, he gets a big head sometimes.  While filming the movie we got into an argument about how his roundhouse kick is superior to my roundhouse kick (which is patently absurd).  It got heated and Chuck tried to roundhouse kick me.  Not only did I dodge it, but I reverse roundhouse scoop-kicked him so hard his stunt double died.  And his mom.  And three other guys who just happened to be standing there.  Man, I got in trouble with the movie studio and insurance companies over that one.

So yes, as you see, being a ninja is pretty awesome.  Of course you get attacked on the street by evil henchmen, random karate warriors and Chuck Norris on occasion, but it just gives you a chance to perform the Steel Dragon maneuver every once in a while.  And that’s pretty sweet.

Enjoy Ninja Day everyone.

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20 Responses to “It’s Ninja Day 2008!!!”

  1. “I also do the ninja splits when I’m … going to the bathroom.”

    WTF?? That’s crazy, man. Just crazy!

  2. Crazy, but much more functional.

  3. shouldn’t that read “ninja shits?”

  4. curiouserx2 Says:

    Oh wow. My boyfriend must hear about this. You two would be frightening in a room together.
    ~a

  5. May your ninja awesomeness be forever etched upon Chuck Norris’s soul. Perhaps one day during your shirtless travels I pray you encounter Jackie Chan and deliver several ‘Rumble in the Bronx Roundhouse Kick’s’ to his career. As an added bonus mabye you could whisper the words ‘Drunken Master’ in his ear as he takes his final mortal breath.

  6. You are a wise one, PCBToxin. I will heed your words and see they are executed with deadly efficiency.

  7. oh wow paxton, I had no idea you were a bad ass ninja, that is so cool 🙂
    its crazy the things that can happen while innocently browsing a curio shop.
    happy ninja day.

  8. LOL, bookworm…it IS crazy the things that happen there. I try to avoid them due to the amount of ambushes I’ve encountered.

  9. Where do you find pants as awesome as those (Curio shop photo)? I love how you have to wear a belt to ensure they maintain their just-below-the-chest position.

  10. Happy belated Ninja Day lol!

  11. Your former freakin' neighbor Says:

    I noticed that you are reading Agatha Christie books….Have you become a postmenopausal female? Do you bundle up with your shawl and a hot cup of chamomille tea right after you finish watching your stories?

    Come on, man! Wear’s the hard science fiction, Star Wars expanded universe novels and alternate universe fantasy books?

    BTW, recently read “Darth Bane: the rule of two” It read like a gold-plated bowl of awesome with a hearty helping of kick-ass.

  12. Your former freakin' neighbor Says:

    I meant “where’s”

  13. I was going to start reading Dune or Asimov’s Foundation, but, for some reason, it’s hard to read a book that I haven’t received yet (hint, hint). I was also going to read those books while eating crab chips covered in stadium mustard, but I have been similarly thwarted.

    Actually, Witness for the Prosecution was a book I stared many years ago and never finished so I went ahead and finished it. If you notice, after that, I’m reading Christmas themed books to get in the spirit of the season. I’ll be covering the books I read in a few weeks. FYI…one of those books (actually, a comic book) is the Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special from 1991. You want to talk about a heaping bowl of AWESOME stew, that’s what you need to be looking for and reading. It’ll blow your F%$%$ mind.

  14. Your former freakin' neighbor Says:

    Wow. I used to love the Lobo comics. Hadn’t thought about it in years.

    Also, I know Im a douche. Maybe by the one year anniversary of telling you I’d send it.

  15. Just pulling your leg, Mike. I am looking forward to reading them when I get ’em.

    When your wife comes to visit in January, I’m giving her 4 books I have for you. Hope you enjoy them.

  16. I notice that you have a special Ninja Face in each of these pictures. I will steer clear when I see that expression coming on.

  17. Good call, Kathy. Good call.

  18. Sorry, aber das bezweifel ich ganz stark…Baer

  19. […] Every year on Dec 5 this blog celebrates Ninja Day and those Ninja Day articles are pretty popular (click the Ninja Day link to see all of these articles).  Check out Ninja Day 2009: Things that make a bad ass ninja…well, BAD ASS or Ninja Day 2008: What it’s like to be a bad ass ninja. […]

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