Creating a team of 80s ninja killers
New assignment from The League. This week we are pitted against an evil conglomerate that is protected by an army of bad ass Russian ninjas (Russian ninjas, wha-?!). So I need to put together a team that does nothing but kill goddam ninjas.
It would be too easy to say, “I’ll take the JLA” or “The Avengers” and be done with it. However, I’m going with non-super powered heroes. As a matter of fact, I’m staying away from all supernatural characters. I’m going to treat this as an 80s movie/TV project. Which means I will also limit myself to characters from the 1980s, so no Jack Bauer (sad face) or Jason Bourne (well, the Matt Damon version).
So, let’s do this. The five members of my own personal team of ninja killers from the 1980s:
1. John “The Master” McCallister (The Master)- The older, wiser ninja leader. Plus Lee Van Cleef is just BAD ASS.
2. Sho Kosugi (Ninja Trilogy) – I didn’t pick a character here, I picked the actor mainly because Sho transcends the characters he plays. It doesn’t matter if I pick Cho Osaki from Revenge of the Ninja or Shiro Tanaka from Rage of Honor. They are all the same bad ass ninja mo-fo and I need him to help defeat the ninja army. Plus, he catches ninja arrows IN HIS TEETH.
3. Scott James (The Octagon) – Scott James was built to kill f’n ninjas. He single handedly takes on a terrorist organization comprised of deadly, deadly ninjas (led by the awesome Tadashi Yamashita) with just his wits, super fast roundhouse kicks and copious amounts of chest hair. Qualifications ACCEPTED, Mr James.
4. Joe Armstrong (American Ninja) – Another dude created to kill ninjas. Joe here defeated one of the fiercest ninjas ever, the Black Star Ninja (played, again, by the awesome Tadashi Yamashita). He’s the American Ninja and he’s on this team.
5. Jonathan Cabot (Gymkata) – Former gymnast turned master of the deadly martial art Gymkata, which is a mash up of gymnastic moves and the ninjitsu fighting style. I only need to make sure that the team goes to places that have things like high bars and pommel horses just lying around so he can “do his thang”.
More ninja killers from around the League:
1. Shez Crafti’s Ninja Force 5
2. Green Plastic Squirt Gun also recruits Chuck Norris as well as Ash
3. Memories of Toymorrow recruits a bunch of awesome ninjas to fight ninjas
4. The Man Who Stares at Toys recruits Sarah Connor and Tackleberry
5. Cool and Collected recruits a malfunctioning robot and the hot chick from Buck Rogers
Cavalcade of Awesome 
August 29, 2012 at 10:52 am
Great team! I also found myself trying to stay away from superheroes after thinking at the outset: “What’s stopping me from taking Superman and ending this early? They aren’t ‘Kryptonite-carrying ninjas hired by Russian businessmen'” — Great squad!
August 29, 2012 at 11:07 am
Ha! I was wondering when someone was going to pull from Gymkata. Your list makes me want to go watch the Sho Kosugi trilogy. Netflix?
August 29, 2012 at 11:15 am
The “Ninja Trilogy” (Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja III: The Domination) are fairly accessible, well 2 of them are. You can get Enter the Ninja only on disc from Netflix. Revenge of the NInja is on Netflix Streaming. Unfortunately, right nowNinja III isn’t available at all. However, I’ve watched all three complete movies on YouTube, and that’s including Ninja III.
There are 2 other Sho Kosugi movies you can see on Netflix Streaming; they are Rage of Honor and Pray for Death which are also awesome. For some reason Ninja Assassin hasn’t made it to streaming yet.
August 29, 2012 at 12:30 pm
I’m going to have to agree 100% with your first four picks, especially Joe Armstrong, obviously.
However, I do think Cabot is a throwaway pick. Remember, this is against a team of Russian ninjas, for Pete’s sake. I think that would make it a 5 on 4 battle, or however many Russian ninjas they throw at us.
If I may offer a suggestion: Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe. I know you said you wanted to keep this to the 80s only. The TV show and the G.I. Joe movie alone should more than make the choice legit.
— Joe Armstrong
August 29, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Joe,
I admit, Cabot was a humorous pick, but I wouldn’t say he was “throwaway”. Several other people picked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, ALF and Eugene Tackleberry. I don’t consider those throwaway picks. It’s just a fun list of people to kill ninjas.
Besides, Snake Eyes was picked by several other people, plus, the 80s version is either a cartoon or a comic book character. Not a real human.
I like Cabot and will keep him.
Other people I considered: Steve Austin (Bionic Man), Lone Wolf McQuade and John Rambo.
August 29, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I thought of Rambo too, but figured why not go with an all-ninja team? I don’t know how great of a team member Rambo would be.
The folks that picked ALF had better hope the Russian ninjas are the yellow ones from the American Ninja sequels.
— Joe
August 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Five great picks (Gymkata!) but how could you pass on Snake Eyes? Perfect 80s ninja, Pax.
August 29, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Doug, I agree, Snake Eyes fits the theme perfectly. However, I don’t think he fits this team, mainly because he’s a cartoon. I didn’t want 4 guys and a cartoon. Plus, Snake Eyes was picked elsewhere by several people. I just felt like I wanted someone else. So I used my 5th slot for a more humorous pick.
Honestly, I would rather have Snake Eyes on my team than Cabot if this were “real”. Like I said, the odds of the evil conglomerate HQ having parallel bars and pommel horses for Cabot to use are going to be LOW to say the least.
November 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Great list! The only guys who may be able to take ’em on is the only other recognizable 80’s ninja team:
….. Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, and Splinter.