Cavalcade of Awesome

It’s happened to you. You are in the supermarket, you pass a product, usually in the drink or snack food aisle, with a weird name or crazy color scheme, you take a look at it, maybe even pick it up, and say to yourself, “This tastes like what?” I do it all the time. Take the Jones Soda Company. Each year their novelty soda line becomes more and more disgusting. Soda that tastes like antacid, turkey and gravy and peas & carrots is not even remotely appetizing, but they make a killing off it. True, though, that people only buy it for the novelty value. As if to say, “Yes, yes I have tasted the soda flavored like buttered mashed potatoes.”

Well, in order to make the same statement, I bought some weird and disgustingly flavored food/drink items recently and I’m going to try them right here, right now. If I die, remember me well.

Item #1 – Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda – This stuff has been around for years. It’s almost legendary. I used to see it as a kid at the local deli (shoutout: Diplomat Deli) when my dad took us there for dinner. I say now what I said then, “Celery flavored soda?! Who’d buy that?!” The jury is still out on who would actually buy it. The next question is, “Does it taste like celery?” The answer: Yes it does, if said celery was left out on the counter in a warm glass of Sprite until it rotted away leaving only a dark, foul-smelling death-liquid. I’ve only had 3 or 4 drinks of this and I already have a headache. I hope I don’t get leukemia. Ugh. This also comes in a diet version, but, thankfully, for the sake of the children, Dr. Brown discontinued it. If you have trouble finding this, consider yourself lucky.

Item #2 – Canfield’s Diet Chocolate Fudge – Yes, you read that correctly, Chocolate Fudge soda. DIET. Haha. I’m really asking for it this time. Here we gooooo………..oh sweet jesus that is awful. I can’t imagine a chocolate fudge soda tasting good in the first place, but make it diet, and you’ve just created what scientists refer to as a “biological weapon of destruction”. My insides are now under attack by this BWD. Holy crap, I think the soda is trying to burn its way out of my stomach like an Alien. Foul, foul liquid. I actually saw a Diet CHERRY Chocolate soda at the store the other day. After this, I’ll be afraid to even walk down that aisle ever again. This soda now owns me.

Item #3 – Jones Caramel Apple soda – Jones really made this whole trend popular so I had to try one. This was one of their Halloween sodas from 2 years ago. The cans are cool, and this flavor at least has potential………potential to taste like sun tan lotion mixed with burnt maple syrup. Oh. My. God. That is awful. And do I detect an aftertaste of scalded rubber? My taste buds are going to revolt and suicide bomb my brain for continuing this torture. I can’t even articulate the supreme awfulness of this soda. Stay away.

Item #4 – Hostess Holiday Fruitcake – I’ve had three sodas so now I’ll try something to eat. This and other cakes like it are sold every holiday season in supermarkets and bakeries. It’s amazing people still buy fruit cakes because I can’t name one person I know that ever said they like it. On paper, fruit cake is pure gold. Fruit. Good. Cake. Good. Put them together, you get a fruity, cakey goodness that’s hard to deny. Well, this profane substance in my hand is only a fruitcake if, by fruit, you mean small, waxy red and green rivets and by cake you mean a brown silly putty-like substance. How this can be sold and packaged as either fruit or cake is beyond me. Why isn’t the FDA stepping in to neck punch any company trying to sell this crap to the public?! This stuff is HEINOUS! Are people buying this?! Why?! If you are giving these tasteless chunks of evil to someone else, then you must really hate those people because even cockroaches wouldn’t eat this crap.

(Via Food Goat)
Item #5 – Horehound candies – I was alerted to the presence of these little goodies by my mother-in-law. I have yet to actually determine what they are supposed to taste like, but they aren’t too bad. I believe they are some type of old-fashioned throat lozenge. They don’t taste bad, they have a slight taste of root beer mixed with ginger ale. Not bad. The name strikes me funny though. Couldn’t they come up with a better name? It is fun to hear my mother-in-law say ‘horehound’ over and over. Haha, makes me laugh thinking about it.

Well, that’s it today, kiddies. I’ve actually been working on a technology article that I hope to get up soon and maybe another article similar to my Heist Movies Rock! article. Instead of heist movies, though, I’ll talk about time travel stuff. We’ll see.

Have a good one everyone. Oh, and stay away from the Diet Chocolate Fudge soda. Seriously. It hates you.

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This entry was posted on February 28, 2007 at 10:34 pm and is filed under food, humor, reviews, soda with tags reviews, soda, sodapalooza. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.