Cavalcade of Awesome

It’s H-day, baby!! All Hallow’s Day. Halloween. Sam Hain Day. Black and Orange. Spooky Time. Creepy Crawlies. Dress up like a nutball and drink yourself into a blind stupor and wind up disoriented and bleeding on the back porch of some stranger’s house…with no pants (you have no pants, not the stranger, who may or may not have pants). I love Halloween!

Want to see my costume for today?  Here it is:

I’m a nerd that works at Sav-Rite grocery store. You want to see Steph’s costume? Here it is:

She’s a cat character from a children’s book named Six Dinner Sid.  My shirt’s a little tight, you think?  It’s an extra small.  I got it for free at a Winn-Dixie Associate Appreciation cookout.  It’s all they had left.  I’ve been planning this costume for almost a year.  It was worth it.  Everyone at work loves it.

Anywho, I thought, since it’s Halloween, I’d discuss candy.  Lots and lots of candy.  I’ve been checking out the offerings this year and I’ve been less than impressed, to say the least.  Companies pretty much just miniaturize their candy stuffs and put them in big bags.  Very boring.  There were a few notables though.  Let’s see what was out there on the shelves this Halloween season.

Hostess Halloween Goodness – I didn’t actually find these, but a Flickr friend of mine, Jason Liebig, did. These are so unbelievably BAD ASS that I have trouble even articulating the words for it. I loved the Ed Norton Hulk movie this summer and to see the graphics on this and just know that they are out there, gives me a warm, soft feeling. Like I, myself, am filled with the same soft center as these Hulk Cakes. All is right with the world. Hostess also released regular cup cakes with the Hulk on them. As well as Twinkies and Donettes. Hostess must be run by one bad ass mofo because they always come up with the good stuff.

Tasty Kake Goodness – Man, I love pastries.  If I could, I would open up like 200 boxes of pastries and smear them over myself as if I wanted to absorb by osmosis the complete and total AWESOMENESS of the pastries.  However, I am already pretty damn awesome, so that would really be unnecessary.  But as a wise man once said, “Unecessary?  Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?  No, but I do it anyway cause it’s sterile and I like the taste”.  Pretty much says it all right there.  So, what was I talking about?  Oh, Tasty Kakes.  So these are out, and they are appropriately Halloween-y.  If a tad tame.

3 LB Chocolate Gravestone – Yes, you read that right. THREE POUNDS of solid in your face, kill you on the toilet chocolate. You could use it to bludgeon someone to death, then prop up the gravestone where you bury them.  Versatile!  Thanks Hershey.  If you plan on eating the chocolate yourself, you are probably suicidal.  I imagine the scene in the movie Seven with the big, fat guy that was fed until he died.  That’s what it would be like to eat this.  No one needs 3 pounds of chocolate.  No one.

Mary Janes – I didn’t realize they still make these. Wait, I said that wrong, I meant I WISHED that they didn’t still make these. For simple peanut butter chews, these things are terrible. How hard is it to not screw this up, people? Peanut Butter + chew = AWESOME. However, Mary Jane decided that it wanted to try something new and different and make Peanut Butter + chew = My Grandpa’s Feet. And it’s not like this is a fluke. Mary Jane also makes those generic orange and black wrapped chews that are universally despised by children everywhere. Mary Jane, why do you hate us?  NO ONE likes those things. It’s a wonder parents still buy them. Do parents just forget that they hated those things when they were a kid? It’s like fruitcake at Christmas time. No one likes it, but people still buy them and give it away. Dammit, I say, if you don’t like something, don’t give it away to other people. Odds are, they won’t like it either. That’s a new law. Write it down.

Disney crap candy – I feel sorry for kids today.  They are forced to like these awful shows Disney force feeds them on the Disney Channel.  Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, High School Musical.  I mean, there’s no way kids today legitimately like these shows.  They are just too awful for any normal thinking human to like.  It’s all that’s out there, so they have to make due with what they are given.  Like Saturday morning cartoons.  Have any of you watched them lately.  AWFUL.  They are all these stupid anime looking crap shows where people talk too fast and jump up in the air while the background moves really fast behind them.  It’s insane.  No wonder our kids have no attention span.  Man, why didn’t companies license TV shows I liked when I was a kid?  I would have killed for Knight Rider gummy candy or an A-Team candy grenade.  How kick ass would that have been?  Probably too kick ass because I had to think of it.  Come on faceless corporations…keep up!!!

So that’s some of the crap that’s out there right now. Like I said, less than inspiring.

So, what do I consider some of the best Halloween candy? What type of candy would not elicit a prompt 5 fingered slap to the dome from me as a trick or treating youth? Hmmmmm…Tops on the list for me would probably be Tootsie Pops. I loved those things. All flavors, too. Wait, no, all but the root beer flavor. I hated root beer. HATED. IT. If you gave me the root beer flavor, you are carrying your face home in a doggy bag. Any other flavor, we’re good. But give me root beer, and we are in a bad situation. Trust me. I also loved those little caramel squares. They would usually get used to make caramel apples, but some people actually gave fistfuls of them away to trick or treaters. Loved that. What else? Reese’s Cups. Loved those…and M&Ms. Those were all my favorite candies to receive while trick or treating. I mentioned that I hated root beer Tootsie Pops, right? Okay, I also hated Mary Janes and anything non-candy related like toothbrushes, floss, cards, mexican ball cups, paddle ball, animals, small munitions or cutlery. Halloween is for candy. If you aren’t giving candy, don’t give anything. Another law. Write that down.

Well, that wraps up another year of AWESOME-tober-fest!! Hope you had fun, because I sure did. Hope you guys get candy for Halloween and not toothbrushes. If you do, just hit them over the head with your 3 pounds of chocolate tombstone and walk away. Everyone else will get the message.

See you next month!!!!

This entry was posted on October 31, 2008 at 12:52 pm and is filed under AWESOME-tober-fest, candy, costumes, Halloween, holiday with tags AWESOME-tober-fest, AWESOME-tober-fest 2008, candy, costumes, Halloween, holiday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.