YES! Today, is Ninja Day, my friends!  Finally, I wait all year to don the black pajamas and stalk around my neighborhood without getting arrested.  The time is nigh!!

Yesterday, I talked about what makes a bad ass ninja, BAD ASS.  Today, I’m going to talk about ninjas and the movies.  There has been a long history of US ninja movies, but those have MOSTLY died out here in the US since the late ’80s. I loved all of those movies, roughly 90% of which starred the awesome, Sho Kosugi. However, despite some fairly recent movies having ninjas in them (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Elektra) there haven’t really been any ninja-centric movies in the last few years. This past Thanksgiving changed that trend with the release of the movie, Ninja Assassin. In honor of Ninja Day, I saw this movie and would like to review it.

So, the movie opens up with a pretty intense scene. You see these young Asian “gangster” types hanging out in their hideout playing pool and drinking. The leader is getting a tattoo and complaining about the needle hurting and being kind of a bitch about it. The crusty old dude giving the tattoo essentially says, maybe you aren’t man enough to get this tattoo. The young Asian leader of course pulls this ridiculously large pistol (fully plated in gold, mind you) and threatens to paint the ceiling with the crusty old guy’s brains. At this point, even people from space can see where this is headed. And after the delivery of a wax sealed envelope filled with black sand, every single one of the young toughs are systematically slaughtered in the most intensely violent ways. The first guy literally has half his head torn off by a blade flying so fast you only see the blur. And that’s how everyone else dies. You see mostly the dark blurs (ninja) and silvery blurs (ninja stars) as they reduce everyone in the room to a bloody pile of limbs. It’s fast, violent and every bit as balls out awesome as you think it’s going to be.

The crux of the story centers on the main character, Raizo (Japanese pop star, Rain), who was found as a child and raised by a grizzly, bad ass old ninja (Sho Kosugi) as one of a group of children inducted into an assassin’s clan.  Most of Raizo’s time with the clan is told in flashbacks. We learn that due to an event in his past, Raizo tired of the way the old ninja master ruthlessly treated his students so he breaks from the clan. But Raizo is smart, he waits until his training is done so later on he can decapitate all his former classmates with a blade attached to a chain (yeah, it’s pretty awesome). After quitting, Raizo spends his time tracking his former clan’s movements and stopping their attempts at murdering people. Eventually an investigator “gets too close” to the truth (as investigators are known to do) about ninja assassin clans and she’s marked to be killed.  Raizo protects her from his clan brothers and vows (and almost succeeds) to kill every last ninja in his clan on his way to killing his old master.

The movie is pretty good. It harkens back to the American-made ninja movies back in the ’80s that were so popular. Movies like Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, 9 Deaths of the Ninja and Pray for Death (all coincidentally starring Sho Kosugi).

And let me tell you, Sho Kosugi is fantastic in this. I loved him in all of those cheesy ’80s ninja movies I mentioned above, and I loved him in this. He is even better than I remember him being back in the day. Kosugi plays the unforgiving, hard-as-nails ninja master who pretty much tortures all of his students if they don’t follow his orders (and sometimes even if they do). I was just watching him in this movie and I was terrified of him (much less being one of his students). The dude is like 61 years old and he was more bad ass hardcore than most action movie stars 20 or 30 years his junior. The man is AWESOME.

And the star of the picture, Japanese pop star, Rain, is actually pretty good.  Quiet, and appropriately bad ass when the killing needs to be done (and there’s lots of killing.  And blood.  And body parts).  Very convincing as a ninja killer.  Also, the dude is cut from granite.  Take a look at the poster above.  He must have worked out for months to be in this movie because he is all cut up like a pair of ’80s acid wash jeans.

Okay, so the main actors work.  But how is the sweet, sweet ninja killing?  It’s abundant, and it’s awesome.  And gory.  The violence in this movie is enhanced with buckets of CGI blood.  It makes the killing almost seem cartoonish.  But in the world of this movie, it works.  In this world, ninjas must have forged like millions of stars because each of the ninjas in this movie throw hundreds of them at the speed of light towards their target.  It’s insane the amount of stars that get tossed about this movie.  And the ninjas can’t hit the broad side of a barn with any of them.  You get a couple shoulder and leg shots here and there, but the majority of stars end up in walls, cars, windows, etc.  And when they are thrown they leave speed trails behind them.  It’s pretty awesome and it reminds me of the “rail guns” in the movie Eraser.  Very cool.  And all the fight action was well shot and choreographed and visually entertaining.

So, was there anything I didn’t like?  Flashbacks.  Well, not the flashbacks themselves, but how and when they were triggered.  The actual flashback scenes were good and they were necessary to let you know the character’s backstory.  However, they happen a lot, and at random points in the movie.  At one point, Raizo is walking across the street, sees a car drive over a metal plate making a rhythmic sound, and this triggers a flashback.  Another time he’s riding shotgun in a car right after killing like 100 ninjas and has a flashback.  It’s a little odd, but like I said, the flashback scenes were good.

So, I can recommend this movie if you love action movies and ninjas.  You will not be disappointed.  The main star, Rain, is very convincing as a ninja assassin and the veteran Sho Kosugi is terrifyingly bad ass as the ninja mentor.  Go into the movie prepared for a hyper violent cartoonishly bloody movie and you’ll get a fun ride.

Sho Kosugi: “Yes, I am a BAD ASS”

Hopefully this movie ushers in a new age of awesome, bloody ninja movies.

Happy Ninja Day everyone!

Share this post:

Tomorrow, Dec 5, is Ninja Day, my friends. Time to break out the katana, sharpen it up and prepare for all the face and gut stabbing that’ll be required on this most glorious of days!!  It’s gonna be a gut/face stabbing extravaganza.  Are you prepared?

Since it’s Ninja Day Eve, I thought I’d go ahead and post this year’s ninja celebratory article today.  I get a lot of hits on my previous Ninja Day articles for mainly two reasons.  One, the articles are about BAD ASS ninjas (duh) and two, THEY ARE ABOUT BAD ASS NINJAS.  Seriously, check them out. This blog has been celebrating Ninja Day since 2006. And that is not going to stop on my watch.

I get plenty of comments about the copious amounts of ninja love on this blog.  I’m always asked “how can I, too, become a bad ass ninja like yourself?”.  Good question, but let’s make one thing clear; you can become a ninja, but that won’t make you bad ass like myself.  However, since this is a valid question I thought I’d impart to all my “ninja civilian” readers what makes a bad ass ninja.  What do ninjas do on a daily basis that make them so much more bad-ass awesome than a normal person?   You constantly have to work at being BAD ASS and a ninja.  Like P-Diddy said, “Mo BAD ASS, Mo Problems” (I’m paraphrasing).

So here are a few things that make a bad ass ninja (like myself), well, BAD ASS.

The first thing you should know, I can’t wake up to a regular alarm clock.  Regular alarm clocks are for normal people who aren’t bad ass ninjas. Awesome ninjas like myself need something more dangerous to get us out of bed and out the door.  Personally, I wake up to the attacks of a monkey in robotic battle armor that is trained to kill me (pic above).  Seriously, that monkey is literally trained to tear out my stomach and dance around with my entrails like he’s at some psychotic rave party.  To start my day, I must fight this Battle Monkey Alarm (BMA) in order to get out of the house. And believe you me, this monkey is trained well.  Our battles are like 3 hours long.  Not only does this get my blood pumping in the morning (and not just figuratively), it keeps my killing instincts sharp.  When the insides of my bedroom are covered in Battle Monkey’s gore and feces (even battle monkeys like throwing poo) I can then continue my morning with my next ritual, a hot cup ‘o joe.

Also, I like to randomly head butt people.  Literally, in the middle of a conversation, I thrust my head forward and plow the other person in the sniffer.  It’s a bad ass move that most ninjas need to know how to properly utilize and randomly head butting a stranger is great practice so you can do it at a moment’s notice.  How would a random head butt come in handy as a stealthy ninja move?  Well, the move is ideal for when you are in some douche’s evil lair, your hands are bound (in front or behind you) and said douche is totally giving you crap.  All up in your grill with attitude.  Just before the douche finishes his final douchey sentence, BAM!, head butt to the nose.  The move is totally hardcore and makes you look pretty awesome, even as the douche’s bodyguards inevitably start pummeling you into a bloody heap with their rifle butts.  But for that split second, that douche was OWNED.  Next, you have to wait for the bodyguards to make a mistake, hit one with the chair you’ve been tied to and break the other’s neck with your legs.  But those are moves to be discussed during the advanced bad ass ninja class.

You know, you won’t see a ninja driving to his next assassination in a Toyota Corolla. It’s hard to get some good killing done when you roll up in a Kia. That’s why, in my garage, I keep Robosaurus. There’s no beating the intimidation I get when my victim sees me, clad in ninja black rolling up to his house on the back of a fire breathing, robotic dinosaur that eats cars. HE EATS CARS!  Many times I don’t have to do any killing.  The pants crapping sight of Robosaurus munching down on my victim’s SUV and breathing a massive stream of fire through their front door to cook their house like we are at a Boy Scout jamboree is enough to stop their hearts and drop them where they stand.  And yes, it’s every bit as awesome as you think it would be.  If you have trouble locating a Robosaurus, then a giant jungle cat with battle armor will do.  Or a T-Rex covered in poison tipped spikes.  Or chainsaws.  Yeah, a T-Rex covered in dozens of chainsaws would be pretty BAD ASS.

As a ninja, you are gonna have to tear off your shirt at all possible opportunity. Sometimes shirts get torn perfectly off your body when you fight. However, if that doesn’t happen, you gotta rip it off. Ninjas don’t wear shirts when they fight. It’s against “the code”. The “Bad Ass” code.

Finally, something else you can do to hone your skills…fight a giant bear.  I mean a big bear.  Like 12 feet tall.  Stalk the bear through the woods for like a day.  Stay invisible.  Then, when the time is right, battle the bear for domination of the woods.  You may bring a steak knife as a weapon.  When you have defeated the bear, use the knife to cut the carcass into steaks and grill them for sustenance later because, remember, you are trapped in the damn woods.  Wear the dead bear’s skull on your head as a ceremonial hat to notify the other denizens of the woods that they better not mess with you.  You’ll F their S up.

These are just a few things you, as a ninja, can do to be completely BAD ASS.  But first, you must become ninja.  And that is the greatest test of all.

Happy Ninja Day Eve, everyone.  Come back tomorrow on the actual Ninja Day for a review of the movie, Ninja Assassin.

Share this post:

That’s right, it’s that time of the year once again.  December 5th.  The Day of the Ninja. Today is a day to celebrate the lethal, the invisible, the AWESOME…Ninja.

Regular readers know that this blog celebrates Ninja Day every year.  See last year here.  And 2006 here.

Many people ask me what it’s like to be a ninja.  Really, being a ninja is just like being a normal person, except faster and more awesome.  People also want to know if just by being a bad ass ninja do I get out of many fights or, every once in a while, do I get to deliver a glorious and spectacular ninja death unto some poor soul’s sorry ass.  The answer is, I get to deliver ninja justice onto people everyday.  Sometimes multiple times in a day.  Let’s take a look at a few of the attacks I see on a daily basis.

So, I was walking down the street, shirtless, minding my own business; petting stray kittens and helping old ladies across the street, when a shirtless karate warrior tried to attack me.  As you may know, karate and ninja warriors are much too awesome for shirts, this is why we tend to go without.  If a fight breaks out, we need to be able to bust out a kill move without being hindered by a 100% cotton chest covering (no matter how comfortable it is).  Anyway, this guy who attacked is obviously no match for me, a bad ass ninja master.  I ninja blocked his weak punch and was getting ready to deliver the devastating Iron Monkey Claw to his exposed solar plexus when some paparazzi snapped this picture (they are constantly following me).  Obviously this attacker is not used to paparazzi flashes going off during an intense ninja battle, so he paused to look at the flash (It even looks like he’s posing a bit!).  That was his fatal mistake.  Iron Monkey Claw – 1.  Poor bastard who attacked a ninja – 0.  After stepping over the steaming pile of intestines on the street, I signed a few autographs, got a few phone numbers from some hotties and continued on my way to the screams of “We Love You, Ninja” and “You Are Too Deadly…and Awesome!” and “I Can’t Look Away From Your Awesomeness!”

Another day I was innocently browsing a curio shop (notice the nice curios on the shelf behind me) when another shirtless warrior jumps out from behind an antique desk and tries to get the drop on me.  I was not shirtless for this fight (which is rare), but right before this particular picture was taken the warrior ripped my shirt off in a move designed to stun me.  This was his fatal mistake because not only do I look fantastic without my shirt, I fight better in less clothes (among other things, am I right, ladies?).  Check out my far-out ’70s medallion.  I use it to distract my opponents.  This distraction allowed me to execute the Flamingo Double Block and that, of course, would have led into my patented move, the Reverse Screaming Pinwheel Flip-kick.  Now, understand, I don’t perform the RSPFK very often.  It’s exhausting.  AWESOME beyond all comprehension…but exhausting.  However, this was a special occasion, I had to finish this fight quickly as I was in line waiting to pay for a framed art print and didn’t want to lose my place.  I’ll tell you this, that shop keeper is gonna have a hell of a time finding that warrior’s spine.  And his pancreas.  Sorry about that curio shop owner.

Here I am at the secret ninja gym.  I go here when I need to spar with fellow ninjas.  I’m doing a typical ninja split move that is mostly done to impress the ladies.  Jean Claude Van Damme stole it from us.  I invented a wicked ninja attack based on this move.  I call it the “Red River” technique.  Wherever I am, I jump into the splits, speak a few mystic words, do a few hand gestures and BAM! three quarts of blood immediately drop out of my opponent’s body.  It’s ridiculously awesome to watch, but the clean up is not fun.  I also do the ninja splits when I’m driving my car or going to the bathroom.

Here I am sparring with Chuck Norris on the set of our movie, Roundhouse Kick to the Grill.  Chuck and I are good friends, but thanks to the Random Chuck Norris facts, he gets a big head sometimes.  While filming the movie we got into an argument about how his roundhouse kick is superior to my roundhouse kick (which is patently absurd).  It got heated and Chuck tried to roundhouse kick me.  Not only did I dodge it, but I reverse roundhouse scoop-kicked him so hard his stunt double died.  And his mom.  And three other guys who just happened to be standing there.  Man, I got in trouble with the movie studio and insurance companies over that one.

So yes, as you see, being a ninja is pretty awesome.  Of course you get attacked on the street by evil henchmen, random karate warriors and Chuck Norris on occasion, but it just gives you a chance to perform the Steel Dragon maneuver every once in a while.  And that’s pretty sweet.

Enjoy Ninja Day everyone.

Share this Post:

Yes, my friends, Ninja Day has dawned once again. Today is officially, Day of the Ninja. It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year since I revealed to you all that I was one of the dark clan and we last celebrated this most sacred of holidays.

If you don’t know, today is the day we celebrate those that belong to that most deadly of fraternities; The Ninja. It is also a day to shun those that belong to the group that opposes all that ninjas stand for, the ninja arch-nemesis, The Pirate. In case you fail to see the difference in the clean, deadly ninja and the dirty, mouth-breathing Pirate, here’s a chart for your convenience. Click the chart to go to the Official Headquarters of Ninja Day.

How can you celebrate ninja day? Quietly, but deadly, stalk one of your co-workers. Figure out 50 different ways to kill the person you are currently talking to. Find a pirate and torture him slowly, then using only your wits and an old shoe, kill him (or, if you are more advanced, a good luck troll). If you get hungry during Ninja Day, place a to-go order with Ninja Burger. Don’t worry about giving them your address, they know where you live. If your food isn’t there in 30 minutes, they commit Seppuku.

As you see, there are many things you can do to celebrate Ninja Day. If you got questions then The Ninja has answers, check out the Ask A Ninja podcasts. Immerse yourself in the lore and mystery of the ninja today. They deserve your utmost respect.

After all, there’s only two seconds separating you and the business end of a katana.

Did you enjoy this? You can check out my other Ninja Day Posts here

Technorati Tags – ninjas ask a ninja Ninja Day holiday humor personal

Share this post:

Today, December 5, is officially the Day of the Ninja.

Above is an orientation video for nonjas (or non-ninjas) about the origins of Ninja Day.

In light of the fact that it’s the Day of the Ninja I want to reveal a secret I’ve long held from the people I love. I too am a part of the Dark Brotherhood (no, not the NAACP). I am ninja. I have never revealed this to anyone before.

After an assignment where I’ve killed 30 people with deadly efficiency who have no idea I’m even in the room, I want to be able to tell the people I care about. It’s hard to kill like that. It takes serious concentration, nerves of steel and a little bit of duct tape.

Now that you know that I am ninja, many of you will be scared to talk to me. That’s okay. I understand. Don’t be intimidated by the fact that while talking to you, I’ve instantly come up with at least 75 ways to kill you where you stand using only my steely wits and a shrimp puff I got from the appetizer plate. It’s just what I do. And don’t be unnerved if I just disappear in the middle of a conversation, leaving no trace I was ever there. I’ve just taken a quick break to go kill someone. I’ll be right back to finish whatever discussion we were having, unless, of course, it is you I plan on killing. When I do return, and you are not the one that is dead, ask no questions and pretend I never left. Also, when engaging me in conversation, it would be beneficial to not use any quick or threatening gestures. Sometimes my instincts will kick in and next thing you know I’m standing in a room full of bloody corpses not remembering the awesome, awesome ninja killing that just occurred. You want to talk about a buzz-kill?

It’s just the risks of doing business with a ninja.

So when you see me, just act natural and you won’t have to die.

So how can nonjas celebrate Ninja Day? It’s easy, just act all sneaky and ninja-like. Creep up on a coworker, slit his throat with a paper clip. Maybe you could drop down silently from the ceiling and decapitate your manager. There’s many things nonjas can do to celebrate the random and efficient killing of a ninja. Be creative.

Remember, we are watching.

Technorati Tags – ninjas ask a ninja Ninja Day holiday humor personal