Okely, dokely. Last week I gave you my 5 favorite movies of 2008. Now it’s time to talk about the 5 worst movies I saw last year. If you would like, you can take a look at my five worst movies from 2007 right here.
Looking over the list this year, I noticed that the worst movies, for me, tend to be ones I was super-psyched to go see, but they, for whatever reason, turn out to suck. HARD. Just being bad is one thing, but promising massive coolness and then dumping in my lap nothing but a steaming pile of monkey dung is a major faux pas. I am still one of the few that really wants to see movies on the big screen. Yes, the other people that go to movies are neanderthals. They leave their candy and trash all around their seat because “they have people to pick that up” (how hard is it to carry your cup and popcorn bag to the f’n trash, you are going that way anyway). They answer cell phones in the middle of the movie (Why pay 10 bucks to talk on your cell phone?!). They talk to their friends during the movie, or make fun of the movie while it’s playing. So yes, there are plenty of reasons to avoid the “unwashed masses” and watch all your movies at home. I, however, enjoy the large screen and fantastic sound. I want to see movies like Iron Man, Dark Knight, Hulk, Indiana Jones and others on the big screen. That’s how it’s meant to be done. Now, I’ll usually avoid the evening shows and Steph and I will hit the Saturday matinees where it’s cheaper and less crowded, but we are getting out there. Seeing the movie in the theater. So, naturally, after all this, if a movie is uninteresting or just bad, I’ll be pissed that I wasted my energy.
So, as a public service announcement, here are the five movies I believe to be the five worst movies I saw in 2008. I recommend not watching any one of these stink bombs.
Here they are in no particular order:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull– That’s right. I’m saying it. This was one of the worst movies of 2008. More to the point, it was one of the most disappointing movies of 2008. It was not remotely the same Indy we saw in The Last Crusade. Despite everyone saying that Ford looked great, he looked older. A lot older. They could cast Indiana Jones in the next Mummy movie. Also, Spielberg seemed to be on cruise control. How flat and uninteresting did this movie look? Too much CGI, not enough practical. And the alien aspect was more X-Files and less Indy. The whole thing felt odd when I saw it. I wanted to watch it again in theaters to give it another chance but couldn’t bring myself to pay to watch it again. Maybe I’ll rent the Blu-Ray and give it one more chance. But I’m sure it won’t be good enough to move off this list. If they make more of these, I’ll see them, but it will be in a robotic, soulless way, not with any enthusiasm or excitement (in much the same way they made this movie).
X-Files: I Want To Believe– This is right up there with Indiana Jones. Actually, I found this more disappointing than Indiana Jones. I wanted to believe (ha! pun) that this movie was gonna rock. I was exactly who this movie was made for. I watched X-Files. I saw the last movie in the theater. My wife and I watched the first season of X-Files on DVD a month or so before the movie came out. I was so pumped. Then, after seeing the movie, I came out of the theater feeling like this movie raped my wife and punched my mother in face. WTF was that?! The nostalgia of seeing Mulder and Scully on the big screen again almost brain washed me into thinking the movie was good. ALMOST. Alas, it was not good. At all. It was like a bad episode of CSI, much less a bad episode of X-Files. WTF happened? It’s like Chris Carter crapped in a bucket and that bucket wrote the script for this movie. I want to cry thinking about it. If you have fond memories of X-Files, do not see this movie. EVER.
Disaster Movie– Why do they keep making these spoof movies? Are they making money at this point? What started out as a very clever idea with Not Another Teen Movie and Scary Movie has devolved into a carousel of comedy abortions. I thought Epic Movie last year would have bottomed out the genre but this movie hits the bottom, gets out an industrial-sized drill, and starts digging. It is AWFUL. This might be the only movie on this list I didn’t have high hopes for and it STILL managed to come in under those expectations. I was actually embarrassed for the actors in the movie. There is a HORRIBLE send-up of a High School Musical song that literally had me cringing and looking for the door. I can’t recommend watching this under any circumstances. Seriously. Even hammered with 12 of your best friends, the movie isn’t funny. You’ve been warned.