So, I’m going to delve into my cell phone photos and see what randomness I can come up with.  Here we go.

I found this odd statue outside a restaurant in the French Quarter in New Orleans. I call it “Croc-Lobster” (get it?…The B-52′s song?…hello?).  I find myself completely fascinated by the idea of a Croc-Lobster.  This needs to be a monster that fights Godzilla.  NOW.

Before the baby, my wife was an elementary school teacher. So she had these alphabet letter cards up on the walls of her classroom. I took pics of the letters P, A and X (because it’s my name, duh) and texted them to my brother.  It looks silly now that I’m looking at it but that’s the stuff my brother and I text to each other.

I got so excited when I saw this truck. I have to wonder if a black Firebird named KITT was inside as this is very similar to the truck that transports that awesome car in the show Knight Rider.  Even the logo is similar.

Went to Charleston, SC a few years ago with some friends. In the middle of the night, drunk and hungry, we wound up in a small Mexican restaurant in the middle of downtown.  Featured on the menu was this unbelievable site, The Margarona.  A frozen margarita served with a full bottle of Corona turned upside down into it.  It never even occurred to me to try something like this.  My mind can now be considered BLOWN.  For some reason, they wouldn’t serve it at 2am, which seems to me to be the only time someone would order it.

I love the idea of love lobsters. It’s like that episode of Friends where Phoebe says Ross is Rachel’s lobster. I found these in my local Walgreens on Feb 1, 2007. So, I guess by “last chance” they mean sometime in the next 2 weeks.

Moon River Pizza is one of my favorite pizza places, not only in Jacksonville but anywhere. This was an ad for the place many years ago. I thought it was hilarious.  It was hanging on the soda fountain. They’ve since removed it, so all that’s left is this picture.

I have no idea when I took this. All I know is, I went into someone’s bathroom and there staring back at me was a pink toilet. And then I used it.  I used a pink toilet.  I guess I can “check that box”.

So, when I connected my iPhone 3G to my laptop Thursday morning and proceeded to download the new OS, I was giddy as a schoolgirl.  I had the requisite pics of my crotch on my iPhone’s camera reel and they were ready to be sent to all my friends via text message.  It was gonna be EPIC. Legend–wait for it–ary. Then I did the install.

When the install was done, I noticed my Texts icon changed to a Messages icon and I got excited.  But when I went into my Messages section it looked the same.  There was no extra camera button to allow me to add pics to my messages.  Then I thought, “Oh, you may have to go into settings to turn on the MMS features!”  So I go into Settings and check the Phone and Messaging sections.  Nothing.  I start getting a little pissed.  Next stop, Google.

Thanks to the iPhone Blog, I found out that MMS settings have been hidden for AT&T users.

Here’s what my Messages settings should look like:

Here’s what my Messages settings actually look like:

For some reason AT&T has decided not to turn on MMS messaging capabilities at this time. AT&T claims they need to make regular “network upgrades” that have nothing to do with their 3G network before they can turn it on. They vaguely mention that MMS will be turned on “late summer” and not cost any more than SMS messaging (thank the lord for small favors). WTF, AT&T?! One of the biggest upgrades to the iPhone OS and you decide NOT to turn it on?! It is also mentioned in the article that AT&T is giving the runaround on when they will offer another capability in 3.0, tethering. Tethering would allow you to hook up your iPhone to your laptop and surf the web from your phone’s connection. All other mobile carriers overseas (iPhones are available all over the world with other carriers, the AT&T exclusivity only pertains to the US) are allowing it. AT&T is the only one that’s blocking MMS (some other carriers are temporarily blocking tethering). It’s pretty much pissed off every US iPhone owner because even the most basic dumb phones can send MMS messages. This just adds more fuel to the fire about why Apple decided to make the iPhone exclusive to AT&T in the US. Honestly, it didn’t bother me until this very moment. MMS was the biggest thing I wanted out of the OS 3.0 update, and now I have to wait a few months until I get it. I’m not a happy camper.

In the words of my brother, “I’m ready to drop these bitches”.

Me too, Tuck. Me too.

I’ve had a few people ask what I like to listen to when I’m running and the answer is my iPod Shuffle. I load it up with some awesome running tunes and then just let it pick the order. It’s great. As for the type of music, I enjoy hard rock and a bit of gangsta rap when I run. I need high energy to keep me going. No ballads or wimpy crap. I need ball-drivin’, head-bangin’, car-crashin’, ear-splittin’ RAAAAWWWWWWK when I run.

The other day I was feeling saucy so I hooked my Shuffle up to the computer and set iTunes to auto-load songs. This means I have no idea what was picked as everything was just picked at random. Normally, I tell iTunes what songs I want, then the iPod picks the playlist order, but this time I let iTunes pick the songs. FYI…that was a HUGE mistake. I have this running condition called MADD, Music Attention Deficit Disorder. I may LOVE a song in the car, but when I’m running, odds are, I’m going to hate it. Seriously, when I’m running, the chances of me liking a song are cut to 50%, at least.

Want to know how my run went? Below is the horrible sound track to a man dying. There were some good songs, but then, there was everything else.

Metallica – Enter Sandman – Ooooo, good startup song. Nice beat, heavy guitar riffs and high energy. Everyone bitches about Metallica selling out after their self-titled “black” album in 1991. That’s crap and nonsense. I say Metallica’s only GOOD music came after they released the “black” album. Everything before it was ass. That’s right I said it, pre-sell out Metallica sucked.
Silvertide – I Ain’t Coming Home – Nice, nice. Keep it high-energy. Silvertide is a really good rock band. They have this bluesy, southern rock vibe mixed with hard rock guitar riffs and heavy drums. I love them. They’ve only had one album however, and that was released in like 2004.
Nelly – Grillz – Good rap song, however, it’s totally overplayed. I guess iTunes sees that I play it a lot. Hence the problem, I’m sick of it. ***SKIP***
Duran Duran – The Reflex – Dude I totally LOVE this song. Awesome. But not right now ***SKIP***
Nickelback – Animals – Oh, snap. This is a kick ass song. This’ll get me through the next mile. Bad ass guitar and a really fast, high energy song. Great for running. Nickelback ROCKS, dude (I do the rock “devil horns” into the air while I run).
Tech N9ne – Caribou Lou – This song is the shiz-nit. Kansas City rapper, Tech N9ne brings it in this homage to his favorite drink. Listen to this song and try NOT to bob your head to it’s chant-like chorus.
Chingy – Right Thurr – Overplayed and so 5 years ago ***SKIP***
Coldplay – Viva la Vida – You know how I know you’re gay? You listen to Coldplay. Dammit!! Steph’s music must have gotten mixed up in here. Note to self: Delete all Coldplay from computer. ***SKIP***
Fergie – Big Girls Don’t Cry – I liked Fergie-licious but hate this song. Damn you iTunes auto-load ***SKIP***
Sarah McLachlen – I Will Remember You – WHA-?! ***SKIP***
Peggy Lee – Fever – Okay, this one creeps me out. It keeps popping up on my iPod. Even when I load the iPod with songs myself, I don’t include this, yet it keeps getting on there somehow. Even if I re-format and do it again. WTF?! My iPod is possessed by Peggy Lee. I guess Shuffle REALLY wants me to listen to it. Too bad… ***SKIP***
The Killers – Human – STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPH!!! DAMN YOU AND YOUR HORRIBLE TASTE IN MUSIC!!!! (Shakes fist in the air during run while people stare blankly) ***SKIP***
New Kids on the Block – Didn’t I Blow Your Mind – Oh, yes. Good one, iPod. Well played. YOU’RE FIRED! ***SKIP***
Ne-Yo – Closer – What? I don’t even own this song. ***SKIP***
Brady Bunch theme song – Okay, now you’re just screwing with me, iPod. ***SKIP***
Sound of a thousand children laughing – Umm…..??? ***SKIP***
Suzy Q – Trees - Wait…I don’t think I’ve ever heard…..is that even a real song? ***SKIP***
Mad Men — Season 1 — Episode 8 – A…TV show…..got on my Shuffle?! How–***SKIP***
Offspring – Hit That – HA! Finally! Kick ass ***SKIP***
Metallica – King Nothing – Wait, I didn’t skip the last song…WTF is going on? ***SKIP***
Tom Jones – Leave Your Hat On – STOP SKIPPING!!!!!!!!! ***SKIP***
TobyMac – The Slam – OMG!!! The Shuffle is going SkyNet!!! IT’S BECOME SELF-AWARE!!!! IT’S ATTACKING ME WITH IT’S USB PORT!!!!!—————————————————–

Nevermind.  Forget what I just said.  Everything is fine.  The iPod Shuffle works perfectly.  I have no problems with my iPod Shuffle.  It’s great.  Buy an iPod Shuffle, you won’t regret it.

For those that don’t want to die, I thought I’d talk a little bit about applications you can download for your iPhone.  Ever since Apple let third party developers design mini-applications (aka apps) for the iPhone that get distributed on iTunes, many cool and interesting games and productivity apps have shown up.  As good as these apps are, they don’t cover every circumstance you find yourself in.  What if some A-hole cuts you off in traffic and giving the guy “the finger” just won’t cut it?  Or what if the hooker you are seeing threatens to go to your wife?  The iPhone can’t help you in either situation, bro.  However, I’ve designed a few apps that may give you the upper hand should you find yourself in one of the above “less than ideal” situations.

If you thought the iPhone was awesome before,  my new “Cavalcade of Awesome” apps make the iPhone so ridiculously kick-ass it may bend the fabric of reality itself.  You could be talking on your iPhone, set off one of my apps, then find yourself in another dimension.  My stuff is that good.  Be careful though, I was testing some of my applications and next thing I know I was in a battle arena on Cylus 3 facing the nose tusk of a Snaarlak beast.  Let me tell you, a Snaarlak beast makes a Chnultha serpent look like a baby Greeb.  My situation escalated quickly and I had to use the Cavalcade of Awesome apps to their full extent.  I’m lucky to be typing this article today.

So let’s take a look at a few of my new apps.

Above you see a pic of my iPhone with some of my new apps installed. You can see all the standard icons like Settings and Text but you can also see icons for some of my new apps. Let’s take a look at them.

Dispense Wine – Found next to the Settings icon, this is essential.  Surprisingly, you are not always near a glass of wine.  I also created a beer version.  It’s especially helpful in bars or restaurants that are really busy and it takes for-freaking-EVER for your waiter/waitress to show up.  When you feel the detox shakes start, just click this icon and the nearest bartender will be alerted by wireless distress signal that you need alcohol now or someone is going to die.  This also helps when home with your family for the holidays.  Escape to the garage, click this icon and the nearest supermarket will deliver a case of some type of alcohol so you can return to the loving embrace of your insane family.

Taser a Douche – Douchebags.  You run into them everyday.  On the road, in the workplace, in the aisles of Wal-Mart and in the local bar.  If some douchebag tries to start something, whip out your iPhone and click the icon.  You’ll light his douchey ass up like a Christmas tree and can walk away to the cheers of the surrounding patrons.  You rock.

KILL – The KILL app has two settings.  The first setting is a “death ray”.  Using the latest digital Death-O-Rama laser technologies, you can vaporize your boss, mother-in-law, ex-girlfriends, hookers or the Chinese with a single touch.  Be your own walking Death Star.  The second setting is “prison shank” (interesting how often the phrase ‘prison shank’ comes up in this article).  It’s for you old school analog types that think the “death ray” is for cowards.  Click the icon and a 3 foot shank shoots out the front so you can just start stabbing as if you were in the showers at Riker’s trying to avoid getting gang-raped.  Just make sure you point the top of the iPhone AWAY from you otherwise you’ll shank yourself in the gut (which means Skip won’t have to).  And that never ends well.

Pleasure the Ladies – Obviously this isn’t for me as I have no problems with “the ladies”.  Guys, if you want to truly satisfy your lady friend, then click the icon for this app and leave the room for an hour our so.  When you return she will be completely satisfied.  How it works is, when you click this app, your phone will call my phone and leave an urgent message that a lady needs satisfying.  I’ll show up, “do my thang”, then sneak out the window or something.  Works for you, everytime, guaranteed.

Gimme $1000 – This one may be a bit misleading.  You may think it will give you 1000 bucks every time you click the icon, however I wrote it, so the “me” this app is talking about is, in fact, me…Pax.  So clicking this icon gives me $1000 of your money.  Trust me, I’m awesome, so I’m worth it.  This app will allow me the financial freedom to continue developing these awesome apps, writing my awesome blog and pleasuring your ladies without the hinderance of having to go to a job everyday.  It’s something you want to do for me, seriously.  You – $1000 = Me + $1000.  You can’t argue with math.

Time Travel – You ever wanted to go back in time and change something you did?  Now you can.  Did you accidentally loan a buddy some money you wish you hadn’t?  Now go back in time and kick your own butt before you loaned it.  You ever tell your girlfriend or wife her friend was hot?  Go back and slap yourself before hand.  There are endless possibilities.  Just be careful and don’t mess up the first meeting of your mom and dad.  That happened to this guy I know, Marty, it was a friggin’ mess you don’t want to deal with.  Trust me.

Mute Wife – That’s right, I did it.  The Holy Grail.  I created a mute button for your wife/girlfriend.  Does your “better half” only enjoy talking to you during the game or movie instead of during the commercials?  Hit the MUTE button.  Is she yelling at you about replacing the toilet paper or putting down the lid when she could have replaced both 6 or 7 times over in the time and energy she took to yell at you?  MUTE button.  Is she talking about Grey’s Anatomy or Sex and the City AGAIN?  MUTE.  It works by putting a “cone of silence” around your significant other so she still hears herself yelling but you hear nothing.  Be careful though, the silence becomes intoxicating and you may not turn the “cone” off.  If you become used to this silence, when you inevitably have to turn the “cone” off, the sheer force of nagging may lead you to homicide.  *Not responsible for spouse-icide.

Another app I’m working on is what I call an AWESOME button.  It will randomly do something awesome whenever you press it.  Maybe it takes you to my blog, maybe it gives you a mullet or maybe it turns you into a killer robot.  There’s no telling what will happen.  The randomness keeps you on your toes.

So, there you go.  The Cavalcade of Awesome suite of iPhone apps.  They all have my personal AWESOME guarantee.  They should be up and ready for download and each one costs about $250, but they are worth it.  And don’t worry, if you give me $250 for an application and it doesn’t work or you don’t like it, I won’t refund a dime.  It’s a little lesson in humility.  Learn it well.

Have a good weekend.

I’ve had MONTHS to build up my anticipation for this phone. I was given money on my birthday way back in May (nearly 3 months ago!) to buy this thing and I’ve been obstructed in my purchase every step of the way. The first obstruction was that Apple took most iPhones off the shelves in May in preparation for the release of iPhone 3G. Next, the release date was set for July 11. I went in to my local AT&T store ready to upgrade and found out that my current plan wouldn’t let me upgrade until August 9. You should remember this graphic:

It was agonizing waiting until August 9th. However, on the day of August 9th, I was in Columbus, OH, so I couldn’t really order it then (there was a 7 day wait). I didn’t get back to Jax until late on Sunday and AT&T was closed an hour before I could get there (closed at 6pm on a Sunday?!  WTF, are they a bank?!). It was like some higher power didn’t want me to have an iPhone, something I’ve come to believe is my destiny. Why, you ask, would a higher power not want me to have an iPhone? It’s not hard to figure out. The iPhone is super-awesome. No one denies that. I myself am also super-awesome.  Who can refute that?  It’s like the iPhone is an electronic version of myself (We are both awesome and very portable).  The combination of our mutal awesomeness might be too much for the fabric of the space-time continuum and send the entire universe into a backspin leading to the destruction of all mankind (this is just a theory, mind you).  So despite all of these odds against me, I perservered and got my iPhone 3G.  You know, the Lifetime network should contact me about making my experience getting an iPhone a movie of the week.  It’s pretty damn inspiring.

So, here’s the box right before opening it.  Man, even this box is cool.

Very cool embossed image of the iPhone is on the top.  The box looks like a mini-sarcophogus. Like my iPhone is the dead Pharoah of an ancient Egyptian peoples and they wanted to bury it in the style befitting royalty.  I hope someday I can be interred in a giant black box with the iPhone embossed on top.  Just opening the box was a ceremony in and of itself.  I swear, when the box was opened up, a breeze blew my hair back and I heard the 7 choirs of Angels sing Halle-freakin’-lujah!  Imagine the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis opened up the Arc (but without all the messy, face melting ghosts…FYI, figuratively, my face did melt).

Turning this on and playing with it the first time is like a child trying to learn how to use the potty for the first time.  It’s strange and a little bit scary, but once you get the hang of it, there’s nothing greater. One day playing with this thing is all it takes to fall in love. Stupid, sloppy, wet love.

If you are at all contemplating getting this but wonder if it’s worth the dough you gotta fork over, let me just say that I’d give my own soul for this phone. It is the greatest thing I have ever owned. The internet, the visual voicemail, the downloadable applications, the touch screen interface. All these features combine into one sexy, irresistable package that will drive you crazy. You’ll want to whisper sweet nothings into your iPhone. Gently stroke it’s glassy surface, whispering that everything will be okay. No one will ever come between the two of you because you’ll be together. Forever. And ever.

Or….something like that. Um. Yeah.

Soooooo, get an iPhone. Or don’t get one, and be less awesome. Your choice.