The Movie Board: Worst movies of 2009
Okay, on Tuesday, you saw my favorite movies of 2009. These were all the movies I really enjoyed and will probably watch multiple times. Now, it’s time to look at what I think were the worst movies of 2009.
What makes a bad movie for me, for the most part, is disappointment because of expectations. I expect to really enjoy the movie because of a funny trailer or an interesting story and the movie doesn’t live up to those expectations. Those are the movies that go on this list. There are movies like Crank or Fast & Furious that you would expect to be on here, but let’s be honest, those movies are supposed to be bad. They are awful for a reason. Plus they are fun-awful, not awful-awful.
So here are the movies I was most disappointed with this year. Honestly, I could only come up with four. I really had a hard time putting together this list. There were a lot of good movies this year. Here are the movies I really didn’t like.
Men Who Stare At Goats - This was a very disappointing movie for me. The trailer was awesome, however they pretty much showed every single punchline for every single funny scene in the trailer. EVERY SINGLE ONE. The rest of the movie was an awkwardly quirky ride that was neither funny nor interesting. So by the time I saw the movie, every funny event was spoiled and that made me not care about the rest of the movie. So many good actors, so much wasted potential. And, to whomever cut the trailer, thank you for ruining this movie for me, d-bag.
Gamer – This movie had so much promise. Gerard Butler as a prisoner fighting in some type of corporate war games run by Michael C Hall? Oh, and Gerard Butler is being controlled remotely by a video game user played by the kid who’s going to be the lead in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians movie? Yes, please. However this movie BLEW. It was weird, there wasn’t enough action or humor and the mechanics of the video war games Gerard Butler’s character participates in came and went depending on what was needed in the story. Michael C Hall was good but his character was off the charts weird. This was just a bad movie based on a very solid premise.
The International - This movie was 90% boring. I literally was dozing off halfway through. The convoluted corporate conspiracy plot was so intricate and involved so many levels I no longer cared 30 minutes into the movie. It’s like watching Bourne Identity while on a fistful of Valium. Clive Owen has been burning through all the goodwill he built up with Inside Man by making movies like this and Shoot ‘em Up. Where have you gone, Clive Owen?
Taking of Pelham 123 - I had high hopes for this. I thought Denzel and Travolta would play well off each other. Denzel did okay, but Travolta was all over the map. He was completely over the top for no other reason than he could. And the motives for the movie were flimsy at best. This movie could have been good, but really it was just a lost opportunity. I also have high hopes for Travolta’s next movie, From Paris With Love, but it looks like a very similar role in that movie to this movie, which makes me worried now.
Okay, those were the absolute worst of the movies I saw this year. Not bad for a worst of list, I guess, which shows the strength of the year. How about some Honorable Mentions? The following movies were bad, but I really enjoyed them. Like, there’s no way I could possibly defend the merits of any of the below movies, but I had fun watching them in spite of myself.
Crank 2: High Voltage - I didn’t honestly like this movie or the original Crank, but I enjoyed watching the mayhem unfold onscreen. It was a captivating orgy of violence and insanity. After falling out of a f***ing helicopter, Chaz is picked up by a van and has his heart replaced with a mechanical device hooked to a temporary battery and is then left for dead. Chaz must now constantly charge up the battery by pumping himself fully of ever increasing levels of deadly electricity while simultaneously trying to find out who took his heart by killing every person he comes in contact with. And I’m not even kidding. This movie even has a small cameo by Corey Haim. COREY HAIM IS IN THIS MOVIE!! Wall to wall violence, profanity, sex and mayhem. I can’t even begin to describe the unbelievable ride you get with this movie.
Fast and Furious - Yes, I know this series is crap, but it’s enjoyable crap. The first one takes itself way to seriously but parts 2 and 3 were a blast to watch (and still are). This movie, reuniting the first cast is also a lot of fun to watch. Paul Walker is still a horrible actor and the script is cliched and formulaic, but the car scenes and hot ladies make the entire trip worth it. There’s even a scene in the beginning that sets events in this movie right before the third movie, Tokyo Drift. It’s just a lot of fun. You should totally expect bad dialog like “You make a mess of everything you touch” “It’s what I do best”. Lots of cliched crap like that. But watching Vin and the other characters is a lot of fun and the action is cool. I also had forgotten how hot Jordana Brewster is. Yowzah. Anyway, let’s hope Vin makes another Riddick movie next.
That’s the worst list this year. I have to say, for a worst of, it’s not that bad. Last year’s list was full of completely awful movies. I mean, Indy 4, X-Files 2, Disaster Movie?! Those are truly awful movies. This year just seemed like boring or mildly bad movies.
Let’s hope 2010 is just as good as this past year has been.